Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am really not sure how I should be feeling about this right now...
Saturday night, I woke up to my boyfriend whispering to himself with his computer on his lap.
I asked him what was wrong - he told me his middle school best friend messaged him on facebook needing his help. That she is stuck down in florida, three kids whos father is in jail, 5 months pregnant, baby daddy is also in jail. She cant work because she has ovarian and cervical cancer and is a high risk pregnancy. She has no minutes on her phone to call her parents and she has absolutely no one to turn to. She says she gets a monthly check but it doesnt come until Nov 2nd and she needs a few simple groceries for her kids.. so can he please send her some money.
The whispering was him working through this sort of out loud.
My boyfriend is super kind and has such a big heart. Hes a softie and I love him so much for that, but the first thing I said to him is that there are people in this world who see that in others and take advantage of it.
I told him this is a girl I've not ever heard a word about in the 10 months weve been together, he doesnt really know who she is anymore, and while everyone needs help once in a while, I personally didnt feel it was appropriate of her to be hitting him up on FB for money. I then said, its your decision, you are free to do as you choose, Im just giving you my objective opinion.
I offered up that maybe he can help her in other ways - contact her parents for her, or since she obviously has an internet connection to use FB, suggest she contacts them via FB, e-mail or skype.
He said hed sleep on it.
Sunday afternoon, I asked him if he had heard from her again. He told me he decided he wasnt comfortable with sending her the money and offered to help her in other ways as I had suggested.
Well he lied.
I read the facebook conversation last night (I seriously hate facebook). He had already agreed to help her by the time I had woken up. He went behind my back and sent her a moneygram monday before he went to work.
Hes an adult and is free to make any decision he wants on what he does with his money or who he gets involved with - but I feel like I did everything I could to make it perfectly obvious that there was no reason to be secretive about it. None.
I confronted him, he immediately is extremely regretful and apologized profusely. Tells me that he is a stupid idiot and he does it because hes immature and scared and had this thought in his head that I would be mad at him if he told me he fell for her act even though he knows he had no reason to do it.
I went to bed alone and I left for work without even waking him up this morning. I dont know at this point what to do.
His apologies are sincere, I know.. but I'm so afraid that if I just forgive him (again) he is going to be under the impression that he can keep doing this and nothing will change. Secrets, closed communication, lies.. such a big deal to me and I've made it extremely clear that in order for this relationship to work, we HAVE HAVE HAVE to be 100% open. Period.
I dont want to ask him to leave and HATE the thought that I am even considering it.
What kills me is in the conversation.. she told him she CALLED a RIDE to go get the money. ...But she has no one, no money and no minutes on her phone (and can afford to get on FB somehow)? I want to choke her.
I asked around and found out he wasnt the only one.. shes taken advantage of several others recently.. and I am so hurt for him over that.
Saturday night, I woke up to my boyfriend whispering to himself with his computer on his lap.
I asked him what was wrong - he told me his middle school best friend messaged him on facebook needing his help. That she is stuck down in florida, three kids whos father is in jail, 5 months pregnant, baby daddy is also in jail. She cant work because she has ovarian and cervical cancer and is a high risk pregnancy. She has no minutes on her phone to call her parents and she has absolutely no one to turn to. She says she gets a monthly check but it doesnt come until Nov 2nd and she needs a few simple groceries for her kids.. so can he please send her some money.
The whispering was him working through this sort of out loud.
My boyfriend is super kind and has such a big heart. Hes a softie and I love him so much for that, but the first thing I said to him is that there are people in this world who see that in others and take advantage of it.
I told him this is a girl I've not ever heard a word about in the 10 months weve been together, he doesnt really know who she is anymore, and while everyone needs help once in a while, I personally didnt feel it was appropriate of her to be hitting him up on FB for money. I then said, its your decision, you are free to do as you choose, Im just giving you my objective opinion.
I offered up that maybe he can help her in other ways - contact her parents for her, or since she obviously has an internet connection to use FB, suggest she contacts them via FB, e-mail or skype.
He said hed sleep on it.
Sunday afternoon, I asked him if he had heard from her again. He told me he decided he wasnt comfortable with sending her the money and offered to help her in other ways as I had suggested.
Well he lied.
I read the facebook conversation last night (I seriously hate facebook). He had already agreed to help her by the time I had woken up. He went behind my back and sent her a moneygram monday before he went to work.
Hes an adult and is free to make any decision he wants on what he does with his money or who he gets involved with - but I feel like I did everything I could to make it perfectly obvious that there was no reason to be secretive about it. None.
I confronted him, he immediately is extremely regretful and apologized profusely. Tells me that he is a stupid idiot and he does it because hes immature and scared and had this thought in his head that I would be mad at him if he told me he fell for her act even though he knows he had no reason to do it.
I went to bed alone and I left for work without even waking him up this morning. I dont know at this point what to do.
His apologies are sincere, I know.. but I'm so afraid that if I just forgive him (again) he is going to be under the impression that he can keep doing this and nothing will change. Secrets, closed communication, lies.. such a big deal to me and I've made it extremely clear that in order for this relationship to work, we HAVE HAVE HAVE to be 100% open. Period.
I dont want to ask him to leave and HATE the thought that I am even considering it.
What kills me is in the conversation.. she told him she CALLED a RIDE to go get the money. ...But she has no one, no money and no minutes on her phone (and can afford to get on FB somehow)? I want to choke her.
I asked around and found out he wasnt the only one.. shes taken advantage of several others recently.. and I am so hurt for him over that.
In the end, he should have spoken to me before he decided, then been clean about what his decision was, either way.
He does live with me, and he didnt send her a lot of money. Once he agreed to send her $50, she asked for $60 instead.
Like I said, Im not his mother, I'm not here to dictate his decisions, especially with his money. He paid his half of the rent already so thats irrelevant.
I dont want to back him into a corner and give him an ultimatum of "shape up or ship out". It shouldnt even need to get to that point to begin with.
I caught my ex-husband lying about stuff.. I cwould confront him, he would agree to stop doing it. He didnt stop, he just got better at hiding it.
If one doesn't have phone minutes, one normally does not have internet access. #jussayin
But yes he should have been honest with you about it.
Either way, he is equally naive.
I'm half tempted to message her and tell her if she contacts me or mine again ill hop a flight to FL and give her a personal reminder to stay out of our lives.
This whole thing would be so much easier if he did this because he was a jerk, but he did it because hes just naive and inexperienced, the lying AND the money.
I'm just not sure I want to be the one he learns these lessons from.
I personally would rather give someone money who asks for it, rather than take my time and think about whether they deserve it or not...
Your bf probably didn't want to disappoint you so he lied..
However, like you said, he didn't lie because he is an asshole.
He actually did something nice for someone, but it was probably stupid and and naive .
Maybe this is actually a good opportunity for you and him to discuss why he felt uncomfortable telling you about his decision - has he been repressed and discouraged as a kid to make decisions and verbalized them without fear or has he had issues in a previous relationship and/or does he perceive you to be difficult toward or unsupportive of his decisions.
Things like this moment is what makes the relationship grow I think.
There are worse things then this..believe me....I was in a relationship where the guy threatened to kill me every day if i did didn't appease his wishes properly....Believe me the guy you have IS GOOD!
"does he perceive you to be difficult toward or unsupportive of his decisions."
This thought has been bothering me.. I never want him to feel as though he cant come to me and I'm fristrated because I feel like I've done the best I can to ensure he knows that he can always talk to me about anything...
Somewhere along the line growing up, he developed this (slightly irrational) fear of not being accepted.
He says he understands the idea of unconditional love, because that is how he feels about me, but he cant fathom the idea of someone unconditionally loving him. He definitely lied out of fear, I just wish I knew what else I could do to eradicate that.
StrongCeltic - Thanks, I know he is great, and has such an amazing heart.. but I'm not really all that appreciative of your trivializing this situation by comparison.
I guess that's why he finds it hard to say no to people. You seem to be an open minded person so I don't understand why he felt the need to lie to you. All you can do is be there for someone and make sure they know it's not out of pity. You are with him because you want to be and he should respect you enough to be honest with you.
I was faced with a few situations where no matter what I did or how accepting I was to certain individuals they could never break the habit of deception - intentional or accidental - because of what happened to them growing up.
It seems to me that a person doesn't have to be abused during childhood to have this trait - all someone has to do to a kid is to inflict guilt and shame onto them repeatedly.
You are doing everything you can to help your bf. Just remember that these habits are so hard to break, be patient with him and do what you are doing. Things will get better .
I feel much better about it at this point, though am going to remain cautious for a bit.