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I know most people post in this group about romantic relationships, myself included, but I thought I'd ask for some advice about a friendship here.
I have a friend that I used to be super close with. We became friends in 9th grade and we're now in our late 20's. In the past year, I've purposely put a lot of distance between us. She's always been very possessive of her friends, not just me, and it was getting out of control. She insisted that we meet at specific times every week and tried to make me feel horrible if I couldn't make it for any reason, no one else was allowed to be around for these "hang outs", she demanded that her roommates make time every week where they were only allowed to hang out with each other, etc. A lot of us just chalked it up as annoying quirks about her, but dealt with it anyways. When I started dating my now ex-boyfriend, he tried to include her when we hung out because he knew how she was, but once she showed up, she almost literally shoved him out of the way. After awhile, she would freak out any time I'd tell her that I wasn't available because we already had plans.
Things started to get worse from there. She showed up at my ex-boyfriend and I's house one day and said she wanted to see "where my best friend is living now." She poked all over our house and then just left. As her behavior got stranger, I stopped answering her. During the year that I pretty much cut off communication with her, she showed up at my mother's house and called my mother to ask about where I had been because I hadn't been answering. Now that my ex and I have broken up, her behavior has gotten even worse. I think she thought that with him out of the picture, she could return to having the friendship that she wanted. I agreed to drinks with her the other day and she yelled at me (again) for not answering her texts/calls, said that best friends means best friends FOR LIFE (yes, this last part was yelled), tried to get me to move into her house although I have an apartment and made it clear that I wanted to live on my own, said that she was moving to another state and that I should go with her and be roommates forever (apparently all hopes of my getting married or having children don't concern her), and said I should cancel going on vacation with my family in the summer and go with her instead. Suffice to say, I have crossed over into being genuinely freaked out. When I told her that I had been seeing someone new and really liked him, she waved it off, said he's a rebound, and "don't worry, he'll be gone soon." She does not even want me in a relationship with anyone because it interferes with what she considers "her time." Also, any time I mention my best friend, she tenses up and gets visibly upset that I'm even talking about her.
I really do not want this person in my life anymore. This would be cause for concern in a needy high school girl, but a with a grown woman in her late 20's, it's completely unacceptable. I do not want someone around me who does not support healthy relationships, be they romantic or friendships, or sees everyone else in my life as some kind of competition. I've talked about all of it with my best friend (and plan to talk with my therapist next I go so I can get some kind of professional take on this batshit craziness), but I don't know how to approach it. I have no plans to ever answer any of her texts/calls again, she doesn't know where my new apartment is, but I'm worried that someone may tell her because they don't know any better, or she'll show up at my parents' house/start calling them again.
For the love of god, I hope this situation is really freaking rare, but has anyone dealt with something similar? Advice on how to cut ties without getting murdered in my sleep?
I have a friend that I used to be super close with. We became friends in 9th grade and we're now in our late 20's. In the past year, I've purposely put a lot of distance between us. She's always been very possessive of her friends, not just me, and it was getting out of control. She insisted that we meet at specific times every week and tried to make me feel horrible if I couldn't make it for any reason, no one else was allowed to be around for these "hang outs", she demanded that her roommates make time every week where they were only allowed to hang out with each other, etc. A lot of us just chalked it up as annoying quirks about her, but dealt with it anyways. When I started dating my now ex-boyfriend, he tried to include her when we hung out because he knew how she was, but once she showed up, she almost literally shoved him out of the way. After awhile, she would freak out any time I'd tell her that I wasn't available because we already had plans.
Things started to get worse from there. She showed up at my ex-boyfriend and I's house one day and said she wanted to see "where my best friend is living now." She poked all over our house and then just left. As her behavior got stranger, I stopped answering her. During the year that I pretty much cut off communication with her, she showed up at my mother's house and called my mother to ask about where I had been because I hadn't been answering. Now that my ex and I have broken up, her behavior has gotten even worse. I think she thought that with him out of the picture, she could return to having the friendship that she wanted. I agreed to drinks with her the other day and she yelled at me (again) for not answering her texts/calls, said that best friends means best friends FOR LIFE (yes, this last part was yelled), tried to get me to move into her house although I have an apartment and made it clear that I wanted to live on my own, said that she was moving to another state and that I should go with her and be roommates forever (apparently all hopes of my getting married or having children don't concern her), and said I should cancel going on vacation with my family in the summer and go with her instead. Suffice to say, I have crossed over into being genuinely freaked out. When I told her that I had been seeing someone new and really liked him, she waved it off, said he's a rebound, and "don't worry, he'll be gone soon." She does not even want me in a relationship with anyone because it interferes with what she considers "her time." Also, any time I mention my best friend, she tenses up and gets visibly upset that I'm even talking about her.
I really do not want this person in my life anymore. This would be cause for concern in a needy high school girl, but a with a grown woman in her late 20's, it's completely unacceptable. I do not want someone around me who does not support healthy relationships, be they romantic or friendships, or sees everyone else in my life as some kind of competition. I've talked about all of it with my best friend (and plan to talk with my therapist next I go so I can get some kind of professional take on this batshit craziness), but I don't know how to approach it. I have no plans to ever answer any of her texts/calls again, she doesn't know where my new apartment is, but I'm worried that someone may tell her because they don't know any better, or she'll show up at my parents' house/start calling them again.
For the love of god, I hope this situation is really freaking rare, but has anyone dealt with something similar? Advice on how to cut ties without getting murdered in my sleep?
With this friend of yours, I think that you are right in having genuine concern for your well being and safety.
A fried is one who supports you and is happy for you as you live your life. Friends sometimes grow together and sometimes apart.
This person is not rational or reasonable. It is time to be frank and to the point with her. She is bordering on harassment.
I would tell her that you are ending your friendship. That you need her to stop contacting you and your family. .If she or any of her other friends continue to contact you concerning the friendship, that you consider harassment and you will go to the police!
I wish you all the best. This dos not sound easy
I have mixed feelings about this topic...
Part of me (mostly) thinks, people like this, mostly can't help behave the way they do. Whether raised to think this way, or born this way...
The other part, think some people simply don't care (are used to getting what they want). Having said that, I think most people would not choose to act out this way,
Regardless, you have two choices, continue to put up with it (set firm boundaries, hope that will fix it), or fade out of the picture (hope they get the hint, while trying minimizing the drama in your life),
If this were someone I'd known a long time (5 or so more years), sure i'd fight for her, but if only a few months (or a year), I'd probably drop her like a bad habit (I'm divorced with three kids, me and my kids don't need people like this in our lives... we've got enough of our own issues, no thanks)).
Or totally cut her out of your life, never return her texts and tell your family under no uncertain terms do you want her in your life. If she comes to their door, tell them not to answer and not to contact you. If you run into her family tell them point blank you are no longer friends.
Or you could be completely honest with her and tell she has a major problem. That you always thought of her as one of your best friend until lately when she has become so clingy. Tell her it is not healthy for you or for her to act that way. Tell her she needs to seek therapy herself. And until that time you do not want to go on with the friendship.
I think people outgrow friendships. Friendships are expendable unfortunately. When they become unhealthy...let them go.
You're not a puppet, right? You don't have to get mean or blow up. Just use "I" statements.
"I don't want to do that". Plain and simple. If someone is yelling at you, you could say.. " I feel like you're yelling at me"
You have a basic right to set your boundaries and say "NO" At that point if she doesn't like it, she can be the one to get angry and move on.
If you really care for her, why not use some open, honest communication. Ask her point blank how she would feel if she were ordered around. You are already thinking of calling it quits anyway. Why not be a true friend and just be honest with her, what do you have to lose?
Confrontation done with compassion and kindness can be a good thing.
I can see that this has caused you to fear her, and your fears are warranted. Something needs to be said so that you can move on with your life without looking over your shoulder every time you leave the house. Definitely speak to your therapist about it.
She has emotional issues that you are not qualified to deal with. As much as it would be wonderful to speak to her in earnest, she is incapable of understanding that her actions are not acceptable.
Say nothing to her about her issues, how demanding or outright crazy she is, as this will heighten her irrational behaviour. Keep it about yourself, and only tell her what you want.
There is only so much we can do for people, and it is not up to you to fix her issues, this is best left to a psychotherapist. If she becomes hostile or frightens you in any way, you may have to take necessary actions that will ensure your safety, and this might entail contacting your local law enforcement.
In my experience with someone in my past, I discovered that there was no easy way to deal with this. I had to speak in a strong assertive manner, and announce that I was not willing to let this continue. If she senses that you are vulnerable, she may continue her nonsense. If she senses that you are invincible, she will stop what she's doing and move onto another victim.
I wish you safety and strength.
If she doesn't possess any qualities that you find endearing and you don't enjoy her company at all, I think it's best to avoid her as well.
If you're done you can go no holds barred on the rudeness because you want her out of your life.
I think you need to be firm and clear with her. I don't mean yell at her or make her feel like shit but you need to clearly tell her you do not want to maintain a friendship with her and she is not to call, text, or show up at your relatives' houses. Explain that behavior is inappropriate and they do not wish to be contacted by her.
I'm pretty sure her contact will not end right away but you need to make the effort to cut her off and then, at that point, ignore her. Do not respond or feed into her crazy. If her behavior becomes increasingly aggressive or you feel unsafe, contact the authorities. Stalkers do not need to have sexual feelings towards those they stalk...a friend can stalk a friend they have no romantic involvement with or feelings for.
I hope you are able to end this friendship without her escalating her worrisome behavior. Please be careful and keep yourself safe...that is most important.
(((HUGS)))
POSSIBLY ?
More like... CLEARLY ?!?
Be safe.