Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Just popping by to give a bit of an update. I would love opinions on my life these days or even advice on a difficult situation, but mainly I'm finding I'm taking good care of it on my own.
So things are getting better, finally back to work, I'm in my daughter's life more and things seem to be picking up. I feel good about where my life is going, feel good about moving soon, feel good about alot of things it's definitely alleviating the stress in my life.
Only downside of my life is that I still have the 18 year old as a girlfriend. I know I'm not happy in this relationship and I'm trying to find a way to end it without her flying off the handle. I know that no matter what the end of a relationship is going to hurt and that ending it rather then dragging it out will hurt less in the long run; but I definitely could use help on where to approach it from. The other day we had a discussion about our relationship and she did make mention that we don't have much in common and that the reasons she's with me are that I treat her better than anyone else has and that she loves me. I've been trying to tell her to find her own place, get out on her own, figure her life out. She disregards it and simply says "you're just like my mother". She has no job (and does not want to seek one because she "likes life the way it is") , and has said that if it doesn't work out here she'll move to the local shelter. That seriously makes me feel like a jerk for thinking of ending it.
Anyways, that's about the only issue in my life these days.
So things are getting better, finally back to work, I'm in my daughter's life more and things seem to be picking up. I feel good about where my life is going, feel good about moving soon, feel good about alot of things it's definitely alleviating the stress in my life.
Only downside of my life is that I still have the 18 year old as a girlfriend. I know I'm not happy in this relationship and I'm trying to find a way to end it without her flying off the handle. I know that no matter what the end of a relationship is going to hurt and that ending it rather then dragging it out will hurt less in the long run; but I definitely could use help on where to approach it from. The other day we had a discussion about our relationship and she did make mention that we don't have much in common and that the reasons she's with me are that I treat her better than anyone else has and that she loves me. I've been trying to tell her to find her own place, get out on her own, figure her life out. She disregards it and simply says "you're just like my mother". She has no job (and does not want to seek one because she "likes life the way it is") , and has said that if it doesn't work out here she'll move to the local shelter. That seriously makes me feel like a jerk for thinking of ending it.
Anyways, that's about the only issue in my life these days.
Best of luck
She has already indicated that she is willing to move into a shelter. Its not your responsibility to keep her around simply to make her life more comfortable.
She is responsible for her own life, and her attitude about not getting a job shows that she has not "gotten" it yet. Her dependency on you is not going to help her to learn that responsibility.
How do you go about it? With empathy, identifying your own unhappiness, and not placing any blame on her.
There is another thread about how to end a relationship. You might want to check that one out.
Every relationship she has had ended because she 'refused to grow up' and take responsibility. The last one resulted in a child, to 'fix the relationship' which I am raising.
YOU cannot fix her, YOU cannot help her and staying with her and being unhappy isn't fair to you.
IF she chooses to go to a shelter if the two of you break up, instead of getting a job and a place of her own, that's her choice and does NOT make you a jerk.
I told ALL my daughter's boyfriends this very same thing and they all tried to 'fix her' until they just couldn't take any more.
Good luck.
Her excuses and the reality of the situation will not change day to day, week by week,..until you make the change. This will go on and on because you are allowing it to go on and on. You are accountable for moving forward with your own life, not for how she chooses to live hers.
Everyone's advice here is wise and solid. You'll need to man up and cut the cord. Tell her the truth ~ if you are not in love with her and want to move on ~ tell her. Then, give her a date that you expect her to be gone. Shut down all emotional contact with her; stay quiet, respectful but totally distant from her. Show her with your words and actions that this is how it really is.
You will not only be free of this burden so you can continue improving your life, but you will be giving her a REAL GIFT by allowing her to find out what it means to stand on her own two beautiful feet. A lesson that all young women need to learn in order to have successful lives.
Instead of looking at this from a negative perspective, consider that fact that you will be doing her a great favor if you can follow through with the actions you know you need to take.
Good luck
(hugs)