How long were they married, how long have they been divorced and how long have you and he been together?

They were married 12 yrs and have been divorced 2 yrs. We started dating during their divorce but I've known him for about 7 yrs.

I think that if they have 2 kids they're going to be in contact for years to come and unless you don't trust him I would try to find a way to deal with it or you'll both end up miserable

If you don't trust him that's a whole other problem

He's with you not her.... Maybe he just wants things to be as smooth as possible for his children and getting along with his ex would be better for all concerned don't you think?

Their marriage is over and he's engaged to you now .....I would really try to find a way to have her as a friendly acquaintance just due to the fact that there's 2 kids involved if it were me

If she's ever disrespectful to you then it's time for your fiancé to have a discussion in regards to boundaries.... At least that's what I would do

I think you will come out looking like the bigger person

Big hug

thank you suncloud for your opinion. I do agree with you that I should let it go but I just can't seem to do it ! It's been going on like this on/off (depending on if she has a boyfriend) for 2 years and it gets exhausting to continually act like its ok. She is not outwardly disrespectful but does tell my fiance that I am ugly and he looks silly with me. She will send him loving quotes, old pictures of the 2 of them cuddling/kissing and pictures of herself with the kids (couldnt it just be the kids) now and again. It just gets to me and he shows no understanding. If the table were turned, he would not tolerate me talking to my ex for one second , let alone almost daily !!

We got in a very big arguement when he moved in with me (lasted months) and he confided in her about it and then told her he is not interested in dating and if it didn't work with me, he would go back with her. I guess sometimes i feel he is secretly enjoying having her as a kind of friend when really she is toxic. Her mission is to break us up.

I think this is beyond your standard exes need to communicate due to kids thing, if she’s saying shitty things about you to your fiancé and confiding in her about your relationship.

Sounds like your fiancé needs to get a back bone and set some boundaries. I am a step mom; my husband only communicated with his ex as it related to their kids. They were cordial; we all got along fine. Anything to do with child support was addressed in the courts. He would have never tolerated her saying anything negative about me.

One thing that probably doesn’t workin your favor is that you dated him while he was going through the divorce. I suspect had you started seeing him after his divorce was final and he had a bit of emotional distance from her after the divorce, some of this may not be happening. Just my opinion. There’s not much you can do about that but I think that’s part of the issue.

Yes, i agree, it is part of the issue. He went right from her to me. This whole thing is ruining our relatuinship. It makes me nauseous to know he wants to keep her as a friend BECAUSE she wants to cause us trouble and wants him back. I dated a guy before him who was friends with his ex. And, it was so obviously just a friendship that i was not bothered by it at all. My fiance will not even talk to me now because i kept trying to get him to understand WHY this bothers me and he said i dragged out a situation for the whole day that should not even be a concern.

I disagree with anyone telling you that's the mother of his children so get used to it. He has a complete disregatd for you and your feelings and lies about seeing his ex. It doesnt matter if its only talking. It may be right now but it probably will be more in the future. Hes with you. If he cant and wont respect your wishes, which are reasonable, cut him loose. Do you really want to marry a guy who is hip to hip with his ex? In a few months or years, your posts will say he cheated on you with her. And even if he doesn't, do you still want this aggravation after you are married?

I absolutely think that's really disrespectful..... and I agree that he needs to set some boundaries

I think he's also being disrespectful in not setting boundaries.... This isn't at all reasonable

I hate to say this, but it appears that you are the inevitable "rebound" relationship.

I gave in and told him he can talk to her whenever he wants and "I will try to not SHOW that it bothers me although know that it wll." It wasn't really giving in becauase he was not going to do what I asked anyway. I made the mistake of getting mad when I WAS right there when he was on phone with her (because I was off work that day and she didn't know it) and he said that's why he hides things from me because even when he does what I asked, Im upset.

Thing is...he TOLD me they mostly talk about the kids so when I actually heard that they talk about eachothers going on's and NOT the kids, that upset me. I told him that but again,he said "'it's just talking !!" and that me causing trouble is only going to push him away when he is not doing anything wrong.

ugghhh. I know this will come up again. I can't act ok forever. Im most disappointed he doesn't care that it bothers me.
thank you for all your advise and thoughts.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is lie about your feelings.

Another bad thing is to lie to your SO about your feelings.

You're headed into a bad bad place if you continue this.

Red flags aboud.

".... it gets exhausting to continually act like its ok."
Why on earth would you want to continue being exhausted acting like things are ok?

"...ugghhh. I know this will come up again. I can't act ok forever. Im most disappointed he doesn't care that it bothers me. "
BAM he doesn't give 2 s***s about you/your feelings/your thoughts because if he did you wouldn't be exhausted.

Here comes my corny cliches but there are many fish in the sea; yes these days it takes more time to find one but it's doable! That's why you dangle the bait, they bite, then you VET them before you reel them in! And from what you wrote his arse would be back in the sea!

We get one life with no do overs and we should live each day like it's our last because tomorrow isn't promised to us!

I think it is important to try and get along for the children for sure.... However that's really where I would want it ended..... Saying hi, how are you doing is reasonable

But making comments like 'you're ugly and he looks silly with you isn't'

I think he should tell her enough.....and stop it.......

It might be jealousy however she has NO business in your relationship other then the children and how they will co parent IMHO