aww big hugs. We all get this way, I do have doubt in my relationship... sometimes it comes down to what is more important to you fighting for your relationship or fighting for your own happiness. I realize I am probably not the best to answer this challenging question, I struggle with the idea with "what other thinks" especially my boyfriend and what I believe will make me happy... Its tough! its a vicious cycle darling. And youve been together for so long, it sounds like you havent had anytime for you. The stress of responsibility has taken its toil on me recently, and I checked out a little, for my own mental health... Sometimes its okay to have an hour to yourself, where you dont have to overthink about anything... I dont know whether youd like to try it, but it sounds like you need to love yourself and forgive whatever it is thats bothering you... so my advice is to take a warm relaxing bubble bath or whatever helps you relax and have an hour to yourself and work through whatever these feelings are. And know, you arent alone here on DS :)

I remember your story, Quiet storm. Your relationship has been up and down many times and sounds like it is still not stable.
I m concerned that another child is coming into this now and I m worried for you.
I think that marriage is not just a sign of social commitment , but it is also a type of protection for you and your children. In the eyes of the law, he is just a bf and a father of your children.

Hi Aronia,

What doesn't sound stable to you? Not being married? I am expressing how my own self esteem and over thinking is affecting me, he can fix that for me. But yes everyone has their opinion regarding us not being married but ultimately that's our decision. We'd rather buy a house, marriage isn't going to provide us with a house for our kids. Again that is just our personal preference for now. We want a big wedding, but priorities say first we need a house that we own.. thankfully we've been doing fine and I can't blame him for me not letting things go. He could bring up my past too but doesn't. I appreciate that and am trying to give him the same.

Hi Lucille thanks for your post!

The idea of taking an hour for myself sounds so helpful! I overwork myself all the time, that's who I am and how I operate but it does tend to wear me out emotionally. I don't allow myself alone time like I should or time to do things I enjoy. Just focused on the family. In turn I get stressed out and make up problems in my head. I'm really trying to stop! I have to tell myself "stop worrying! There's literally nothing wrong right now!" Just worrying and overthinking for no reason, I know it does me absolutely no good!

No, I don't equate marriage with stability... just reflecting on some of the problems you guys had in the past. You have been through a lot of pain.

Yes a lot of pain, that's true. It's been hard to get passed it, clearly I still struggle but I don't want to dwell on the past anymore. There so many other, better things to think about.

A big hug to you. Also I have to say I'm really impressed with the grasp you seem to have of your issues, as well as the root causes that maybe leading to them. I'd just like to offer a bit of practical advice that's REALLY helped me gain inner stability. I used to be (and still am, to a lesser degree) a BIG over thinker.

Something that really helped me was constant journaling. I tried out actual paper book journaling. You know physical book, manually writing it out. Somehow that never worked for me. The I found a journaling site online and I have been making regular entries ever since whenever I'm obsessed with an issue or whenever my mood fluctuates. Sometimes it's just one post per day. Sometimes it can go up to 5 posts per day. The benefits I have experienced are these:

1) It takes away some of my anxious and obsessive energy. Sometimes if something is particularly bothering me I'll even write journal articles in ALL CAPS and literally thump on my keyboard. After a good long rant I generally feel better because (a) ranting feels good in general and (b) unlike in a rant where another person is involved, there are no consequences

2) It helps me to lay things out rationally and dissect my every feeling. Sometimes during the process of doing that, the magnitude of the issue diminishes significantly.

3) It helps me really see the disparity between reality when I look at it rationally, and my emotional perception of reality. So for example for a long time I had severe abandonment issues and every time I *felt* like my SO was not calling or texting enough I'd freak out. Then when I started writing down all the times he actually does reach out to me, I started realising that unlike what I had perceived (omg he's neglecting me...he's forgetting all about me!!) that he does in fact reach out to me a good deal.

You can make these journals private so that no one but you can see them. Even this site has a journaling option. Try it out and see if it works for you. For me, it's been the most helpful thing I've tried.

Having said all this, if there's a legit issue that NEEDS to be addressed with your partner, then you definitely should. Journaling helped me to filter out the small stuff so that I spend time and energy discussing only the major issues (if any) with my partner instead of sweating every single tiny thing that happened.

Big hug for you Quiet.... I am sorry that you're struggling with self esteem problems.... Have you been in any therapy for this?... It could help a great deal

I think when you've both been unfaithful it makes complete sense to be really careful where you place your trust..... Trust is earned.

You were both so young when you got together with the teenage raging hormones and immaturity ...... I would try and step back and recognize that during the first several years you were both kids (if any cheating went on at that time)

I think complete transparency would help you both with trust..... There is no reason not to be transparent with the other if you want to rebuild the trust

I agree with Aronia regarding marriage as it's a 'legal' commitment and in many countries laws to protect families are set out for marriage and not for common law so you would have a lot more safety and protection being married in regards to property, money etc

I hope that you can get some support for your self esteem and if you're pregnant now hormones will affect the way that you're feeling..... Big hug..... xo

Thanks so much for the responses!

I'm really glad I chose to log in today. I've been having these same thoughts again! So I'm glad I came on here and read how I felt over a month ago and realized I'M STILL STUCK.

But, good news. There's progress since this last posts that I hadn't realized. I deleted all my social media. Just decided one day it had to go. I spent too much time focusing on what my bf might be doing (even though I constantly have access to his account and have found NOTHING), and even wondering why he doesn't post "enough" about me. He hardly posts to begin with so anyways, point being, I realized I have so many other things to focus on and things I care about are not getting done.

I've signed up to be a mentor, I want to get my kids into sports, I want to read the bible and my other books that are collecting dust. I wrote myself letter to open in case I get tempted to go back to social media. Basically it's a check list. If I haven't done those things I've listed, i'm not going back!

Taki, I REALLY love your idea. I'm a huge overthinker (obviously) and I can definitely use help in sorting though tiny made up problems and big or more important problems in my relationship. When I take a step back, we really have none, for once. I need to enjoy finally having stability in our relationship.

SunCloud, I'm definitely damaged from the betrayals, but I also constantly need to take a step back and remind myself that we've moved on and have both forgiven each other, and he NEVER brings up my past. I try to take that from him, because every once in a while I do bring up his. That's not fair. Unfortunately, we had a miscarriage, so that was hard but we are working through it together and being supportive of each other. Now I am dealing with the hormones from the Depo shot, but I am very aware of the effect the hormones have on me and am trying very hard to keep a handle on things!

Thanks again everyone for your posts

((( hugs)))
I am so sorry for the loss of the baby.. :-(( so heartbreaking.
I wish you both all the best and many happy years together

Thank you Aronia. It was really difficult and is hard to understand why after 8 years, we were finally ready and it just didn't work out. Truly heartbreaking. But we are still blessed and grateful, and will expand our family when it is time.

Thanks again.