What is your plan for leaving? How old are your kids now?

My children are grown now my youngest is 14. I have no plan as of yet. I am scared I won't make it even though he does not support me financially. Just scared I guess. I have left in the past but he does not leave me alone it is worse when I leave him because he tries to do anything to make my life miserable. My lease is up in May and I want to move with my oldest daughter and mom. But to get away is just hard

Hello Confused. Welcome to DS.

No doubt about it. Change is scary, even when the change is easy and for the better. A change as big as striking out on your own and breaking free of a 22 year co-dependency? ? ? I'll take your fears as a sign of intelligence. That's a BIG change. Way more than one change in reality. It will be way more than one shock to your personal and family system.

However you set about making those changes in one big leap, or even *just* continue limping along in your current circumstances, emotional support needed. Hope you find that emotional support here.

Welcome aboard.

Are you married to him? Are your mom and daughter living with you now, or are they living somewhere else and would like to leave and go live with them? Sorry I don't mean to pry but just trying to understand better your situation.

I think leaving someone like that requires some planning and for sure some serious support. After 22 years of this, it's a lot to undo. He may make your life hard if you leave but he's already making your life hard being with him. I know his words hurt. They'd hurt anyone. But they are just words in the end, and any meaning behind them is really about him, his self worth, his lack of esteem etc, not you. I mean, people say shitty things to other because they're really screwed up people. Has nothing to do with you as a person or a mom. I hope you know that, for real. Because when you really know that, then what he says or tries to do doesn't really matter; you just find a way out.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

We are not married my mom and daughter live next door to me we live on 5acres. I know I am not what he says I am but to see him treat me like shit then go out in public and be a different person to others. He is like two people. No one knows the real person he is

That's what abusive people do- they hide in plain sight, present differently to others. Doesn't matter how he is in public. All that matters is how he treats you.

If you leave, are you afraid of losing your youngest child? Are you afraid he'him making your life hard if you leave?

He treats you that way because he knows you'll take it. I'm not saying that out of judgement but just to say, nothing changes until something changes, and maybe it's you just not doing this anymore. None of it. Not arguing with him about it, not feeling hurt by him... nothing.

sounds like a banter woman's case. You should look up that term.

I am so sorry this is happening, It is super tough especially if youve been in this situation for so long. Is there anyway you can find a support group? Because having support and help will help you get through this, especially when you leave. I believe there is a part of you that is a Fighter, and knows you are worth so much more. I hope you can find a way out...
well if anything here on DS we can support you, I am here =) though, I still recommend finding a support group or something within you community, like counselling.
Your not alone.

I appreciate all your kind words. I was a fighter and I know I still can be I just have to jump but that is the hardest part. And yes I am afraid he will make my life he'll and try to take my son.

You're young, only 40 years old, and you've been with him since you were 18 years old. I think a part of you is used to the familiarity of being with him. It's all you really know, since you got together with him so young.

But you've realized now that he is not the one for you. And, no one should take any form of abuse. I understand being scared of him, but you can take legal action against him to keep him away from you, and your children. You can see a lawyer, and work out child support. And a protective order, if you need to. Or, you could just walk away. You are not married. I know it's not easy, but technically, you can just leave... or kick him out of the house. Maybe a consultation with an attorney could help you see what your options are.

I agree that this has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you in what he says
This is just cruel.... When I read he punished your dog is made me cringe???
I'm going to give you a link to domestic abuse hotlines ….. They really understand the abuse and the abusers..... Please make sure you leave safely
Big hug.....xo

https://support.dailystrength.org/hc/en-us/articles/207430776-What-if-I-need-emergency-help-

You all are amazing just knowing I have people in my corner helps a lot.

You do!

I am sorry you are going through all of this. I hope the support in this group has helped you to see what a wonderful person you, and help you to know that you deserve more than this. I pray that you are able to find someone to help you and support you through this. Someone you can lean on when you decide to jump. Have you ever given any thought to counseling? Just someone face to face who can listen and offer support and maybe some direction on what steps to take...... Anyway, know that we are here to support you.....