So after thinking about all of this, I think it is more about me and what I would like to explore. Of course I want to explore sexual stuff with my wife. I think she is comfortable with what we have going on, she is has been claiming she is VERY satisfied and wonders what more I could want. Thinking on that, I am really not sure. Something inside of me keeps saying there is more to explore... I keep having fantasies and urges to try new things with my wife. What should I do at this point? I have expressed I want to do more things, but not sure where to go with this.

That is an interesting problem. I can't say I can relate. In my own experience either I'm satisfied with the sex or I'm not and know why.

What are the feelings you have when the love making is over? If you are not sated then what?

Well, with sex I find satisfaction, but it does not last very long. I find my mind all riddled with sexual thoughts a few hours later. I must say my wife is amazing that she allows me to do things to her, all planned to result in orgasm for her, just to feed my emotional need. She allows me things ranging from intercourse, oral, using my fingers, toys, etc. in attempts to curb my desires. But I am finding that these things are very exciting, but not filing the void I am noticing. My fantasies seem to move me to look for the next better thing. Not sure where it is leading me and my wife. I just know I want her along for the ride but don't want to make her uncomfortable either. It just seems like what is awesome this week might not be all that next week. Really where are we going to end up.... an orgy, another person involved? I do have fantasies about new ways to excite my wife. One has a masseuse just exciting her and arousing her with me watching.... another is her just exposing herself more than normal, maybe an partially open curtain in a changing room with me nearby watching... another would be a hotel scenario ordering room service and my wife answer the door in a towel... and whoops...

My wife thinks I have this on my mind way too often, I sometimes think the same thing. This journey is leading me to question if I am ok.

Please be nice, I am seriously trying to work through this in the right way.

Sound to me like your talking more about creating scenes, specific scenarios to play out; which sounds more like fetishes.

While her satisfaction and enjoyment is important, this is more about you and what turns you on. There some websites you could explore and perhaps find something your wife is willing to do with you: http://www.literotica.com/stories/stories_by_category.php?category=31
has stories ranging from mild to extreme.

Talking about fantasies/fetishes is never easy and definitely makes one feel more exposed than most people are comfortable feeling.

If that is the case, you need to be comfortable with yourself (how do you feel about having an interest in fetish?
And your subject; particular fetishes that interest you. If your going to ask you wife to 'play a scene' with you, make sure you have all the bases covered; ways to avoid injury, how to stop the scene, how to slow down the scene....be knowledgeable about what it is you want to do to be able to do it safely.

If I have misread or jumped to conclusions from your last post, I apologize.

I appreciate your attitude and I think that will help you the most with your wife. My husband and I have been and still struggle with the same issue. He gains pleasure from seeing me happy, so he honestly wants to know what would please me the most. I have a tendency to be shy about what I want. I was sexually assaulted and tortured when I was a little girl, so I still have hang ups about that. I struggle with feeling that any desires I might have that stray from the "acceptable" are perverse and on par with the man who assaulted me. I can rationalize that that is stupid, but I cannot make my heart not feel it is true. I am so afraid of being a victimizer or the one to gross someone else out with my desires that I keep them a secret. My husband would encourage me, but he never pressured me. He would give me examples of things he likes. All that, coupled with a space and time, helped me learn to be comfortable with my husband. We would try little things, and after I saw that he wasn't disgusted by me, I would offer something a little scarier for me to share. That is helping me build my confidence. I still struggle with some things and there are days I revert back to old fears. It is as frustrating for me as my husband. I would love to have sex without these nagging fears and guilt. At least I see that I am making progress. Maybe something in my experience will help you and your wife too. Good luck

"With all that said, I wanted to give her a special gift in our relationship. The gift is that I wanted to be part of any open fantasy she would like to indulge in... my mind thinks that maybe something along the lines of a really open minded treat. I wanted to bring something to the relationship that other wives would be jealous about if they knew. Something my wife could be glad to know her husband thinks that highly of her."



hello, you mention that you want to make her feel special - above all other wives out there. Does it have to be sexual? How do you know she isnt sexually satisfied? Some women just arent into kinky stuff.

Also, why dont you just try introducing new things in the bedroom and monitor her reaction? Buy some toys, some games, etc.

I am pretty open sexually and willing to try new things but if you ask my what my fantasies are..........Im not sure I could answer that.

You said: "Well it does not have to be sexual, but that is something we share, and only us. I wanted it to be something for her and I. I do think there is a part of me being selfish in the sense that I want to do something over the normal for my wife that would include me."

You mentioned adding other people to the mix several times and in particular your wife with another man. You say you don't want to actually do anything, but then suggest you actually want more. That does not suggest to me that sex is something you want to continue to share only with your wife. When you bring other people into the bedroom it is not longer something you share only with your wife.

You also said: "The gift is that I wanted to be part of any open fantasy she would like to indulge in... my mind thinks that maybe something along the lines of a really open minded treat. I wanted to bring something to the relationship that other wives would be jealous about if they knew. Something my wife could be glad to know her husband thinks that highly of her."

Wanting her have sex with someone else while you are there probably won't make her think you think highly of her. I also don't think a lot of other wives would be jealous of her if they knew her husband wanted her to have sex with other people for his sexual entertainment. I think that would make many women feel sleazy and like their husband just views her as a sexual object who is there for his sexual enjoyment. Like a stripper or a hooker.

Reading through all the comments, I have a couple of things to add.

(1) For a lot of women, there is a difference between a fantasy and what we actually want to do in our sex lives. I have different fantasies that I like to think about but which I would feel ridiculous acting out. I would feel silly involving my husband. What I might find a turn-on in a purely hypothetical sitatuion doesn't sound intersting at all in real-life.

(2) Also, get the communication going at times other than before sex. Talk during sex and after sex ... especially right after sex when there is no pressure on your wife to have to immediately fulfill any of your kicks. My hubby and I frequently have "post-game" talks where I tell him what I really, really liked and what I would love to see more of in the future. I rarely include what I *don't* like, just keep it positive all the way. If I tried something new on him, I'll ask for feedback too.

(3) How long have you been married? This can be an especially hard topic early on when everyone "assumes" that everything is supposed to be perfect with their spouse without any effort and it feels like exposing a fatal relationship flaw to discuss how to improve a sex life that should come automatically (well, according to the movies anyway). Work up to it and do not make it all you talk/think about. Pressuring her (especially under the guise of wanting to "please her" when it is really about you) to reveal things is not going to help.

(4) Read the "Savage Love" advice column (you can google it) to get more ideas on healthy sex lives and communicating openly with your partner.

I'm in on this conversation very late, I'm a new member and was looking around and saw your post. I have to say, am I your wife? lol

My b/f and i just recently broke up, pretty much the same problem you have. He complains that our intimacy is gone because i won't communicte about sex.

I am exactly like your wife. I clam up completely when it comes to discussing sex. I was not brought up to openly communicate about sexual desires.

However, my needs in the relationship were not being met, the simple everyday things, a kiss when i got home from work, telling me he loves me, general daily affection and attention. Basically he provided none, and yet i continued. By all this, i was feeling hurt, these things help with intimacy. Therefore communicating to him about sex was not exactly at the top of my list. I felt unloved, unwanted and not needed. When the basics aren't there, how do you communicate comfortably in the bedroom?

I was reluctant to open up about my secret desires to my husband because I was afraid he would be shocked or sickened by it. I was also afraid it would affect our relationship for the worse. I was scared. Fear is a huge obstacle to overcome. What helped me to open up was my husband's patience, love and tenderness toward me. In all he said and did, I knew he loved me and only wanted what would make me happy. The second best thing he did, was slowly reveal some of his fantasies to me. He would ask first and didn't start with outrageous ideas. He shared little things a little at a time to help me get used to the idea. When he made himself vulnerable to me, I felt I could open up to him.

I am in different groups on this sight for other reasons and came across this group.

My husband recently made a comment to my mental coach about how we do not have intimacy in our marriage anymore. She asked him several questions. Unknown to me. Several weeks later I receive a set of CD's from her. They are created by her and her husband on relationships. They were the greatest things.

There were so many suggestions. Now these were on having a relationship outside the bedroom as well. Little things we could do for each other. How we saw each other and ourselves individually and together. Now I look for things to do daily. A note in his car, bought him flowers, go for a walk. He will walk by and give me a kiss on the neck, watch a chic flick with me. Then when it came time for sexual intimacy - what a difference. WOW! The Cd's were a good way to open us both up for ideas, break the ice and us not feel uncomfortable. Once we worked on the relationship outside the bedroom, the bedroom became the whipcream and cherry on top!

Gloria

After reading all the posts, I think this has less to do with having your wife reveal her fantasies to you so you can help her experience them and more to do with trying to figure out how to get your wife to participate in YOUR fantasies.

This is especially evident in your post #18, in which you state "I do have fantasies about new ways to excite my wife. One has a masseuse just exciting her and arousing her with me watching.... another is her just exposing herself more than normal, maybe an partially open curtain in a changing room with me nearby watching... another would be a hotel scenario ordering room service and my wife answer the door in a towel... and whoops... " Again, you want her to participate in your fantasies.

By your accounts, your sex life with your wife sounds far from borind and routine - intercourse, oral, anal, fingers, toys, etc. This is done to "curb your appetites". Huh? Your appetites? This is all about you, not your desire for your wife to have a more fulfilling sex life. This is about you fulfilling more of your sex life.

"But I am finding that these things are very exciting, but not filing the void I am noticing. My fantasies seem to move me to look for the next better thing. Not sure where it is leading me and my wife. I just know I want her along for the ride but don't want to make her uncomfortable either." I hate to say this, but it looks like you are continual looking for a bigger and better "sexual high".

I caution you to really take a long, hard (no pun intended) look at this, look at the possible progression into a addiction, requiring more fantasies and more "unconventional" sexuals acts for you to get your sexual high. Think of the repercussions if you continue to ask your wife to do more than she feels confortable with in order for you to chase your high.

Hoping you the best...