I have to side with your wife, sorry to say. I am exactly the same way. Some women its difficult to open up sexually and find it uncomfortable to describe it. Its not easy for us to talk about it - especially if we were raised by our parents to be good girls and not ronchy, trashy. You sound like you love your wife very much and I am glad. With her not wanting to talk about it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be involved in stuff. My advice is to be very patient with her and not pressure her into talking about it. Maybe just ask her what turns her on without going into a huge story. She might just surprise you one of these days.

I believe u should be able to discuss these things with your wife openly and freely. If she's not responding to you then who's she responding to? Regardless of religious background or upbringing i've learnt that the bed of marriage is undefiled....This is a touchy issue, and it will become more frustrating for u and her if it's not resolved or dealt with really soon.

It is very hard for me lately. I have been going to therapy and been doing a lot of self discovery.... in learning that I have also learned to be open and transparent about many things with my wife. She is the best relationship I have ever experienced. She has been so supportive and the best friend anyone could ever ask for too. Long story short, she has been by my side through the passing of my mom and a major depression time that followed. Without her I would not be moving in the right direction today.

With all that said, I wanted to give her a special gift in our relationship. The gift is that I wanted to be part of any open fantasy she would like to indulge in... my mind thinks that maybe something along the lines of a really open minded treat. I wanted to bring something to the relationship that other wives would be jealous about if they knew. Something my wife could be glad to know her husband thinks that highly of her. Now keep in mind, this has been completely left open for my wife to fill in the blank with what she desires or fantasizes about. There would be nothing forced on her, nothing selfish on my part... all about her. Not that I would want it, but if she said she had some fantasy of another guy, I would listen and talk about it at least.

So in this scenario, she has clammed up, so to say. (insert chuckle here). How can I help her feel comfortable to at least say she is scared with thinking about it, or that she is afraid to hurt my feelings to tell me the truth... or anything? I told her I would let her alone and not bother her about it, but it is on my mind a lot!

Am I asking too much in wanting my wife to open up to me on this?

tikasiamese - my wife is pretty open about sexual stuff, but what concerns me is that since this fantasy thing came up, she all of a sudden wanted to withhold information. That scares me a bit. For you, why is it hard to tell your SO about these things? I would like to understand. Is it trust? Afraid of judgement?

tweetybz78 - I personally agree that W/F communication should be open, but we don't live in a perfect world. :( I just want to open the doors for her to be free to express herself. That is my ultimate goal.

Obviously I have done something to raise a roadblock or have just found something she is not comfortable talking about. But I believe there is freedom in open communication, especially with someone you trust and love.... so I don't want to give up. I feel strongly about this because I want to strive for better things in life... this includes the sexual relationship that my wife and I share together.

Thank you for both of your comments!

I responded to this in Healthy Sex, but I'll elaborate.

I can only imagine what this "roadblock" might be. Since your lady is clearly an emotional creature, it's a very tricky dialogue to broach some physical thing that you'd like to do to/with her on an emotional level, so I guess the trick is in expressing that you'll be very gentle and sensitive with her, and if there's anything you do that causes her pain or discomfort, that you'll stop.

koolman - makes sense. The thing is that we are only sharing desires/fantasies at this point. I do not have any intention of pushing her into something she would not be comfortable with.... but obviously that is happening by just asking her to share those thoughts, not even indulge in any of them. I will have to just give her a bit of time to process things and hopefully she will come out and try to discuss things. I have faith in her, she is a very talented woman and surprises me daily with new and wonderful things about her.

For any person, opening up about sexual fantasies is difficult. People have idiosyncratic desires, demons and fears; it's to be expected that communicating our needs and wishes to our partner - even if they are supportive and genuinely interested - is still very difficult for many people. I don't think that you should take your wife's silence or prudeness personally. She may not be comfortable with sharing what goes on in her mind, and I think that you should respect that until she is ready to open up. Pushing someone when sexuality is involved, even if it is in a positive way, can actually push some people away.

For example, my ex husband was very much the sexual animal, lol. He enjoyed giving and receiving pleasure. He would ask me what it was that *I* wanted out of our sex life. He would try to make those things happen. There were times, however, that I wasn't in the mood. My prudence was not because he did anything wrong, it was because of problem in my past. I would "clam up." When he tried harder to get me to open up to him, I would push further away because I felt pressured. Eventually, I began to resent him, thinking that all mattered to him was sexual gratification.

Whether that was his intention or not, that was how I *felt.*

I would like to point out what you've said, as well. You said the following:

"With all that said, I wanted to give her a special gift in our relationship. The gift is that I wanted to be part of any open fantasy she would like to indulge in... my mind thinks that maybe something along the lines of a really open minded treat. I wanted to bring something to the relationship that other wives would be jealous about if they knew. Something my wife could be glad to know her husband thinks that highly of her. Now keep in mind, this has been completely left open for my wife to fill in the blank with what she desires or fantasizes about. There would be nothing forced on her, nothing selfish on my part... all about her."


Strictly from a woman's point of view, that entire paragraph sounds exceedingly selfish. Why does this "something my wife could be glad to know her husband thinks that highly of her" have to be something sexual - something that obviously makes her uncomfortable? If it makes her this uncomfortable, is this really about her and how she feels anymore? Is there anything you know that she already likes? Something that won't make her feel the way she is now? Perhaps, save this type of sharing for when *she* is ready, and do something different that *she* would honestly "be glad with" in the short term.

I hope this helps. : )

EphAreYou - Well it does not have to be sexual, but that is something we share, and only us. I wanted it to be something for her and I. I do think there is a part of me being selfish in the sense that I want to do something over the normal for my wife that would include me.

Can I ask if your problem from the past, is it anything that talking to your ex might have helped? If there was something bothering my wife, I would hope she could confide in me.... but I guess I might be expecting more than what is realistic then.... I guess time will tell. Thanks for your comments.

First, let me apologize in case I came off rude. I was at work and busy, but wanted to help and might have come off short :) If that's the case, then please know I wasn't trying to be mean. I just reread it and figured it could have been better written :P

And, in regard to your question about my past: The problem with my ex, sadly, was that he couldn't help me. He wasn't emotionally equipped, and he wasn't prepared for my issues. He wasn't willing to listen to why things made me uncomfortable and he was very pushy with the things he wanted (after time, not just abruptly).

The difference between my ex and my current partner is the fact that my current partner took an active role in helping me get through the things I needed to get through. He was patient, listened and interacted when I needed him to. Actually, it's because of him that I have the peace of mind that I do today :)

I think that the important thing in your situation (and again, it's from my perspective, I don't know you or your wife), is that patience, and as koolman said, sensitivity. Acknowledging that she is uncomfortable with opening up to you and assuring her that your intentions are to pressure her, might help the situation for both of you. When people shut down like your wife has, it is usually because there is a bad memory or a fear of something that bothers them. Try asking her (in a controlled and safe environment) why she is uncomfortable. Tell her that she doesn't need to be specific, just enough to make you understand. Express to her that when she is "clammed up", it makes you feel helpless, and that your overall goal is to make her happy.

Reassurance is a powerful tool. :)

"that your intentions are not to pressure her"

.... golly, I'm having a rough time typing what I mean today. :P

I think it's great you expressed to your wife you would like to fulfill her fantasies. If this is truly a selfless act on your part then I wouldn't press her on it. It's possible your intent could backfire and you'll make her uncomfortable with your repeated pressure to change things up.

For some people it takes time for them to come out of their shell. I'd leave it alone for now, be a loving husband and maybe one day she will open up to you.

I do get the sense it may be you who is actually frustrated. If this is the case then you ask for it! Tell her you'd like to try XY or Z and maybe she'll be happy to do it for you. You being the first to stick your neck out may even give her the courage to do the same in the future.

As a woman I've become overly sensitive to the male ego. Meaning, that I will go out of my way to avoid making my partner feel inadequate in any way--especially sexually. If a man were to ask me about my fantasies, I might worry that it was a way for him to find out whether I was truly satisfied with him...in other words, she might worry that you would take whatever fantasy she told you about and use it to hurt yourself, or be hurt by it regardless of what you say up front. Hope that makes sense...

soooo wait. what i'm getting from this post, and correct me if i'm wrong, but you're not enjoying your sex life with your wife? like...it's not "happening" for you?

PrincessButtercup, that's sad you don't feel you can express your fantasies to your partner.

Sometimes when I feel uncomfortable saying something, I'll write it down.

Gently remind her that you still really want to explore this side of her. Buy her a beautiful stationary set and ask her to write down her thoughts, put them in an envelope and leave it for you when she's ready.

This removes her from the discomfort of saying the words to you directly; gives her the time to really think and elaborate; and most importantly, allows her to stay in her 'safe place'.