Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Since the break up of my 8 year relationship from age 26 to 34 I've been through series of crash-and-burn relationships, most of which lasted for less than a year. The recurring problem is that I keep jumping in to play the Knight in Shiny Armor for Damsels in Distress. This is never a good formula for a healthy relationship.
A few weeks ago I wrote to someone on Plenty of Fish that seemed like we had quite a bit in common. She wrote back once but then I didn't hear from her for quite some time. I was patient and wrote a couple more times. She said she wanted to use regular email and added me on Yahoo, but still was not responding when I wrote. I happened to catch her in chat one day and discovered she lives on the same block I do, so we met and walked our dogs together. But then the lack of communication continued.
Last night I finally just went and knocked on her door and asked her to join me for a late supper, so we walked to a pizza place and did some more getting to know each other.
She says she doesn't want to drag anyone into the drama that is her current life, which as near as I can tell, consists of living with one of her kids and being the babysitter for the grandkids while the parents work.
I just get this awful feeling that I'm setting her up as the Damsel in Distress so I can play the Knight again. In one of her emails she said she isn't anyone's Damsel in Distress (and I had not used that term with her at all) and maybe that's why she's been so non-responsive.
The two times we've met in person she seems very open and communicative but I don't get the not writing back when I email her. It's not like I'm writing 2 or 3 times a day or even once a day, more like twice a week.
I know this is rather rambling and doesn't ask a specific question but any advice will be appreciated.
A few weeks ago I wrote to someone on Plenty of Fish that seemed like we had quite a bit in common. She wrote back once but then I didn't hear from her for quite some time. I was patient and wrote a couple more times. She said she wanted to use regular email and added me on Yahoo, but still was not responding when I wrote. I happened to catch her in chat one day and discovered she lives on the same block I do, so we met and walked our dogs together. But then the lack of communication continued.
Last night I finally just went and knocked on her door and asked her to join me for a late supper, so we walked to a pizza place and did some more getting to know each other.
She says she doesn't want to drag anyone into the drama that is her current life, which as near as I can tell, consists of living with one of her kids and being the babysitter for the grandkids while the parents work.
I just get this awful feeling that I'm setting her up as the Damsel in Distress so I can play the Knight again. In one of her emails she said she isn't anyone's Damsel in Distress (and I had not used that term with her at all) and maybe that's why she's been so non-responsive.
The two times we've met in person she seems very open and communicative but I don't get the not writing back when I email her. It's not like I'm writing 2 or 3 times a day or even once a day, more like twice a week.
I know this is rather rambling and doesn't ask a specific question but any advice will be appreciated.
It's fine, but this is not my style.
I think she is either interested in many men at the same time or has some fear of a relationship.
Why should you, as a man, always be put in a position of chasing after a woman, so then she can finally give it up (not sexually necessarily but emotionally, etc) .
This whole thing "prove to me that you are worthy" gets taken way too far sometimes.
Why do people expect to received something from another person when they are not willing to do the same? We all do not like to be hurt, nobody enjoys being disappointed, but if someone wants a real relationship they need to step it up.
You know what I do when I like someone or don't like someone? I just tell them how I feel so they don't have to wonder.
Sometimes I can't make up my mind and I tell them that too.
IDK..I am not an expert on relationships since I am single yet again at 36, but I clearly know what kind of man I want and what I am attracted to.
Maybe it would be helpful for you to kind of make a list of what you are looking for and what sort of relationship you are looking for.
It would be interesting to see...Post it, I d love to pick your brain on it, maybe i can help.
Look at what is so, not what you want it to be, which is that she'll be eternally grateful, and will jump into your arms, and bed. What is so is that she's not all that enthusiastic about beginning a relationship, with you or with anybody. That will continue to be so. Don't overlook the painfully obvious, dreary reality in front of you, in favor of a fantasy.
It's OK; I made this mistake too. Overlooked the reality that she's really overworked, exhausted, devoted and beholden to her family. I wanted a queen, and she enjoyed being pampered like one, but the reality was that she needed to take care of her family. We still keep in touch, and I maintain a certain emotional distance now, because her situation hasn't changed.
Instead of overlooking her, as you're doing now, trying to rescue her, or fix her, look at her head-on, and ask yourself "am I happy with this"? Sounds like, no. It's painful, and it sucks, I know, but it's important to face the pain, to give yourself a better understanding of what a healthy relationship is, starting with the health of yourself.
I have learned to like to exercise, and my ex has no interest or energy in this whatsoever. Ugh. Nuff said. I have determined that, for myself, In order for me to be happy with a woman, I can't be with someone who just sits there lazily waiting to be pampered. It's boring. I need to be with a woman who ENJOYS physical activity and sweating. Not to mention watching a woman sweat, along with me, is sexy as hell.
Hobbies, interests outside of work, are extremely important too, in terms of establishing INTELLECTUAL stimulation. Beyond physical, which will fade, you've got to have something you enjoy talking about. I enjoy movies, novels, entertainment, the arts. They're imaginative, creative, fun to discuss.
Stop trying to "buy" women's affection. Won't work. Will never work.
Try to be Mr. Zen, calm, cool and aloof. Let them come to you, then ravish at will.