Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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chentille 05/04/2015

So I always planned it in my mind to be married with 2 children by the time I was 30. Well here comes 30 looming in the shadows and I have one child and am not married yet. I sometimes feel this anxiety to meet the deadlines that I have set for myself. When discussing this with older family members and friends I get the same advice, "you are still young and need to enjoy life, don't rush things." So now I'm thinking to myself, where did this plan come from and why does it cause me so much distress to deviate from it? I'm concerned with my body as I get older and its ability to carry a child. I also dislike the fact that my son is getting so old and he is the only child. I don't want my children to be so spread apart, because I fear they won't be as close. Despite this "obsession" I am enjoying everything about my life. I am close to finishing my graduate program, I have started traveling more, and I enjoy being able to grab my son to hit the streets whenever we want to do something. However, there is still that voice in the back of my head that says, "Do you realize that your getting older, don't forget about 'the plan'." Am I the only one dealing with this? If so where did your obsession stem from????

onetoomany 05/04/2015

I never had a desire to have children.
But do know that lots of women at your age feel like you do so I think that is somewhat normal.

I can tell you this, me and my brother are 14 years apart and we are close so don't let the age span bother you.

I wish you the best.

Aronia 05/04/2015

I think the bigger issues for most people is feeling satisfied with the progress they have already made. I am one of these people who just never has enough.. I always have to have a plan to work towards instead of saying : " this is good, I am happy "
Overachieving is kind like an eating disorder. You are either never full or not thin enough.. It is a psychological mind fuck and it all stems from childhood issues IMO..
Idk if this is your case, but this is the case for me.
I am just learning to accept my accomplishments and enjoy them intend of make up more crap to claw towards.. Life is apparently not about that, as I m learning :-)

yorman1 05/04/2015

Aronia and Chentille I feel for you ...been there and done that if you have time please read my journal on contentment....Ron

koolman 05/04/2015

You'd be amazed how many people HAVE these things, are married, have children, and are miserable, that life didn't bring them the happiness they want.

I'd focus on how you plan to be HAPPY, TODAY. You can always adopt a child and be a single mom if men aren't tickling your fancy.

jaymee4647 05/04/2015

I remember having this conversation with a girl I grew up with. I was married with children. She went on to say I had the life she planned. Stop planning life... let it happen. (she has 2 children and a very happy marriage now) I didn't plan getting married at 18 yrs old, I thought I was going to go into the military. A guy came into my life and the rest is history--for the past 27 yrs .

LivingWater 05/04/2015

As an older woman, I was thoroughly indoctrinated with the idea that getting a husband wasn't just the best course for a girl, but the ONLY decent goal for a woman to aspire to. As a result, I was obsessed, guilty, couldn't enjoy my relationships because overbearing mother always said I was being "used", etc. It made me always postpone happiness until that future date of getting married. Like you, I had a child while still single--more guilt, more "failure". I guess mommy meant well, but she really f--d me up! I went on to marry an abusive alcoholic and an illegal alien. So ingrained in me was the notion that any husband is better than none! Neither marriage lasted long, had no more children, and learned to be happy alone (or with non-marital relationships).

koolman 05/05/2015

Sometimes OUR plan is not necessarily GOD's plan FOR US, and to really know happiness, we have to let go of OUR plan.

koolman 05/05/2015

God's plan for us is usually better, deeper, richer than our own pre-conceived plan for ourselves, but we're too obsessed with nit-picking the here and now, control, to see the bigger, happier picture, of a deeper happiness, the grand scheme of all eternity.

chentille 05/05/2015

I guess that's what I'm working on now that I've become aware of my obsession. Aronia I can relate to not having enough and I think my issue is watching what the people around me have. I am aware that I don't know what others had to go through to get what they have, but it is just that small voice that says "wow if only we were living like that" or "why can't we get those things?" I must say that now that I am aware I am able to pull myself back. Instead of worrying about when I'll get my next baby I bring myself back to the present moment. Being aware of my racing thoughts helps a lot. It's nice to know that I am not the only one dealing with this "obsession". The main focus is to be happy and enjoy the now...

koolman 05/05/2015

To get something, we must give up something. They may seem like they have it all, but they might be saddled with a lot less "me" time, less sleep and a lot more bills. Life is full of tough compromises. Comparison to others is futile.

CopingJust 05/06/2015

This obsession is so pervasive, particularly in the US. Im struck dumb by it oozing iff desperate people every time i visit the us.... Even on this board, its all pervasive. Ick.

Others have given great advice.... I would hate for my life to be ruled by this type of obbsession... Its a killer.

felifel 05/06/2015

I totally agree koolman!

Chentille, I too had a similar plan. I actually did get married at 24, planned a baby at 28, bought a house...but then it all fell apart a couple years later. Now I'm a single mom. Things don't always work out the way you plan. When I tell people I'm divorced they often feel bad, but you know, it would be worse if I had stayed with my ex just to be married. I would have been trapped and miserable. There are lots of married couples who look like they are happy on the ouside (social media can be deceiving) but in reality they may be unhappy. We just don't know. Everybody has problems.

I admit though that I do sometimes want to have a second child too before I get older (I'm 35 now). But I'm afraid that by the time I find another husband it will be too late. I'm working on just being happy with myself and my one child.

koolman 05/06/2015

My plan was to be the next Spielberg. Then I tried directing kids in short films as part of an acting school, and found it a royal pain-in-the-ass. Granted, these kids were not professional actors, I had no control over the casting (this was already done for me) and had to learn the script on the day as we went, not exactly ideal conditions. I was a glorified babysitter more than a director. I realized that cinematography is probably more for me. Just light it, point the camera at it, keep it in frame and in focus, yeah, that sounds good.

Now, I don't really want to direct a film, unless I have total control, over the script, a script that either I wrote or have re-write rights on the other writer, a script that I feel REALLY strongly, passionately, obsessively about, the choice of actors/casting, have a lot more time to direct it (I had 2-3 hours to direct each scene before the kids' parents returned to pick them up; I and the kids required double that), and I'd like to be paid a helluva lot more (I was only making $100 per day there).

Be careful what you wish for!

jbuck 05/06/2015

The Wanting Mind measures constantly.

I am a male going through a divorce and have four children at 32. I never saw this as my reality but that is exactly what it is. I was... or somewhat still am "a believer" but I'm questioning if my thoughts of God are even real. If faith even matters or if its all a matter of chosen perspective. There is no plan anymore. If I hold onto "the plan", then I am unsatisfied and unfulfilled. On the flip side, there is only the journey and we have little control.

I totally understand what you're saying. Good luck!

Giselle123 05/07/2015

I married young, raised 4 great kids and was excited to travel and have time with just my husband and grow old with each other. When divorce hit me square in the face at 46 I was up in arms. This was not the plan!! I never ever expected we'd divorce. I grieved over my lost marriage but more so for this fairy tale plan I had.
Life happens, plans change. Maybe we should have plans that are more flexible and are not so rigid. They should wind and swirl just like our lives. Maybe we should call them goals and rewrite them so often.
I do not think God makes the bad decisions in our lives, we do. So we need to take responsibility for them and stop blaming him. We are not his puppet, he gives is free will. The only thing I think he promises us is, he will see us through things if we lean on him emotionally. He has seen me through everything in my life, the good and the bad, and I am more grateful then ever to him.
My "life plan" changed in my life but I think being grateful for what I have and the happiness I experienced reaching this point in my life is so worth the plan changes.

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