Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have been dating a guy for 9 months,im 38 and divorced. First month was great. Second month his x filed for custody of his daughter and nothing has been the same he is severly depressed and i am last on his list now. He wonnt hardly talk to me about it. I want to be there for him but he shuts me out. I really care for him and his daughter but i feel so unwanted now. He just tells me hes just having bad times right now, but he keeps everything to himself. Anny advice?
frustratedar
Thanks, I'm trying. It's just hard when he shuts me out alot. I just don't know how long to keep holding on.
deleted_user
I would suggest you talk to him and let him know you are there for him. There is a point when you have to ask him if he is still wanting to be in the relationship. You can't be with someone who seems to want to shut you out alot. It's been about 8 months since the custody thing and he can't use that as an "excuse" forever. If he is always down when you are around him you need to determine where you want the relationship to go. A success relationship meets the needs of both involved and if you are constantly feeling like your needs are not being met then perhaps it's time to move on. A heart to heart is needed here. Best to you and let us know how it goes.
deleted_user
I did that with my guy as we have been dating that long and he doesn't say how he feels yet I know he isn't as expressive in that area. We are both determining if a few differences are going to work out for us. Communication is key. And if he won't communicate that is an issue.
frustratedar
Yes communicationn is really important to me. I dont pick wisely i guess i was married for 10 years before i got divorced and he really kept tto himself. The last year we were married he had two affairs. That was five yrs ago. Dont wanna go thru that again.
deleted_user
He appears to be emotionally unavailable. Certainly not marriage material. This is probably how he was in his last relationship, and she kicked him to the curb.
frustratedar
well its a little more complicated than that. His xwife got on drugs but her family was very wealthy and they were constantly bailing her out. He stood by her and took care of their child while she was in and out of rehabs. She filed for divorce after she got pregnant with another mans child while in rehab. I am the first person he has dated since his divorce about 5 yrs ago. So it is complicated.
deleted_user
it's possible that him being emotional unavailable triggered his ex wife to act out using drugs to numb the pain. The affair isn't surprising, and its possible that she came to her senses and filed for divorce.
deleted_user
You need to also look at why you are picking men who shut you out. The other in your marriage was quiet as well. If communication is big for you then you need to find a partner who is willing to talk about things with you and doesn't shut you out no matter what. Do you think you don't deserve to be heard. I'm wondering what it is about you that you feel you "don't pick men right" as you said. You have to work on you before you can be with someone who matches where you are at in your life. You were also the first one since his divorce and perhaps he isn't ready. You need to let him know you are willing to stay but you can't be shut out anymore or this isn't going to work. You don't want to spend another year hearing him say "things are hard" and not wanting to talk. If he wants to move on from it and not talk that is fine but can't be in a mood all the time when you see him about how difficult things are. Take a stand for you here and your needs! :)
frustratedar
Thank u, i agree but its hard. I just want to be happy and feel like somebody really cares. I guess i just feel lonely in my relatonship and i really want someone who will talk to me but then again +e is going thru alot.. Thanks for listening.
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