Hi,

No idea.

What was the extent of the relationship? Just occasional hang outs? Did he give any indication he was attracted to you or interested in you more than friendly neighbors?

I think it’s reasonable to say something like, “hi, haven’t talked in a while, how’s it going?” Or something benign like that?

No idea but maybe he senses you are really into him and he’s a little freaked out by that. Or maybe he’s clueless but just busy with his life. I don’t know that he’s playing games. It might just be he’s not as interested as you as you are with him. Not saying that to be crappy. Just saying it’s hard to know unless you point blank as him. I think it’s ok to do that too but it could become awkward for both of you so prepare that.

Welcome to this forum!

Maybe he wants to slow down. You saw him twice this weekend- on a real date or just sex or just waving across the street?

You like to be more assertive which might feel aggressive to him. You seem to want every day contact, which he doesn’t. At our age, in our generation, many men like to pursue the woman. You may want to go after what you want and not play games but if you push him, it might be over. I kind of assume he’s putting brakes on it. And it sounds like you thinks he’s putting the brakes on it also. That is your answer.

Sounds like a casual thing, not sure if you guys are actually dating - as in he takes you out on a formal date - or what. Or how long you have been pursuing him?

If your cold sore made him cold, then he’s either ignorant about health matters or he’s judging you. But we don’t know if he was cooling down before that. Either way, he’s just not that into you. He knows you are into him. He’s pulled back. You can’t make him like you more than he does. I’m sorry, sometimes we like people more than they like us.

We have been intimate a few times, he has ED because of meds he is on. But I understand that and he knows that. We were having fun tho. He kissed me first so if that is a indication he was attracted to me then yes to your question. He knows I like him so yeah maybe that bugs him. Maybe he isn't into me like I am him but I thought he was. He always said this thing when we haven't talked in a couple of days if I am mad at him and I say no, just upset a little. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. I know people need their space, I do. But it's been so long since I've had anyone and he is the same way. It was so nice to have someone hug me and kiss me. And he said the same thing once. So I don't know what happened.

No we have not dated as people usually date. He bought me a fish fry but we went and picked it up and ate at his place. He has this problem that after he eats he has to go to the bathroom right away so I think that's why he doesn't go out to eat. No sex lately since I have this cold sore. We usually just hang out and talk. Once he even opened up about his ex and what she did to him. He cooked me supper one night. We have a lot in common and I felt attracted to him the first time I met him. I thought he did too. Him having ED doesn't bother me. We were having fun in that department. I am so confused. My stomach is tied up in knots all the time and I know it's not good for me. Am I crazy or what?

Ah ok, I would have responded differently with this info. I don’t think you are crazy. I think you just don’t know where the relationship stands. He might be just as confused or uncertain as you. Maybe he really does need space. Maybe he just wants to keep it simple. In my opinion sex and physical intimacy are awesome but can get things twisted too if you are still getting to know each other. If you can’t both speak openly and honestly about the relationship, where it’s going, what it is, what each of you wants, then I’m not sure there is much of a relationship. I’d rather ask where I stand than be in limbo wondering what I am to someone.

Yes, that is what I want to know. Where I stand with him. Of course it could be to soon for him altho I think he said it's been 2 and a half yrs since the divorce. He talks a lot and I can't always remember everything he has said. When we were first talking I said I was not just looking for sex I wanted a relationship too and he said he did too. Of course as we get to know each other he may have changed his mind. I can be a bit bold at times and bossy and it's something I have to work on. And I am working on it. It's always better to keep quiet than to say something stupid. I think I need to go back to being shy and quiet like I used to be. Getting older has changed me. lol!!

Hi Vinlin, It said in your other post that you just met this man one month ago.

So, yeah, I think you need to take it slow, pull back... a lot... and let him make the next few moves.

You said you wanted a relationship and not just sex, but then you said you two have already been intimate, and in just one month of knowing him. He is probably thinking this is just a sex thing he's having with you. He read mixed signals, but you can probably bring this back...

Actions speak louder than words. If you want a relationship, then show him that. I suggest you slow it wayyy down, and take some time to talk, have meaningful conversations, go out on dates, get to know each other... without the sex. Get to know each other outside the bedroom. Make sure he is someone *you* want to have a relationship with. This thing isn't all about him.... You need some time to decide if you want HIM.

I would not contact him at all. I know he lives in the same neighborhood, and I completely get that you are lonely from being a widow and want the companionship. And all of that is great and you deserve to have someone. But, it's only been a month of meeting him... so, just go do your own thing, stay busy with your own life and don't contact him at all, and let him make the next move. (He will!)

Best wishes and good luck!!

I’d let him chase me. You want it settled but you’ve only been like friends with benefits for a month or so.. It’s just too soon. If you tend to be bossy, consider this a lesson to learn to stop controlling. and wait. We can’t control life or other folks. By letting go of control, you can enjoy the ride. A person can say anything but we have to observe their behaviors and listen to their words. The instant relationship is not real and rarely works out. Make time for new hobbies, classes, exercise routines, anything. He may not be upset with you but he’s distancing himself from what you wrote. It’s okay, let him be. At some point you might get a chance to talk to him about where this is going but really, it’s still too soon to have that talk. Seems like real dating for 12 months is when to have that talk. Allow him to miss you.

Thought you all would like to know how things are going with me and this guy. It's about the same but different too. For example, didn't see or talk to him for 2 days. What does he do? He leaves 2 messages on my machine. Asking about the old lady I take care of and what I have been up to. The second message was all about his plans with his SIL. I won't go into that since it's a long story. Just know the message must of been 3 mins or more long. Why? He didn't have to tell me all that he was going to do. Once he called a visitor and so when I did go over there I asked if I could have some water and he said I didn't need to ask and I mentioned about being just a visitor, he said he was just joking but he was not laughing at the time. He usually laughs when he jokes or teases me. I was hoping I was a little bit more than a visitor these days and he smiled and said a little bit more. Don't know if he meant it or was just sparing my feelings. He does not show his feelings very much. Drives me crazy cus I still don't know how he feels about me. I try giving him space and time and sometimes he doesn't let me. So you figure that one out, cus I can't.

I think he is showing you how he feels about you. If I am trying to comfort or encourage you, I'd say he needs to take it slow and is showing you that he cares. But I am not sure you two are on the same wavelength relationship expectations wise. And you haven't been dating that long, if this is dating which I am not sure of. If I am being honest with my own self, it sounds like you are friends with benefits in his mind and maybe he will never get serious.

Are you willing to let go of your expectations and simply accept it as friends with benefits for as long as it lasts? No expectations of him and not jumping when he calls or wants attention? Having other dates and other fun activities with different people. You seem to need a lot of validation from him about how he feels about you. This worries me that you need something he can't give you or doesn't feel for you.

Maybe you get what is called intermittent reinforcement from him, he is doing his own thing for a while and then acts interested, then back again to no contact, then back again with the long love bombing phone messages. There is that old saying, people tell us or show us who they are and how they are.

I think if you can accept that this inconsistency is who he is, then you can decide if this is what meets your needs in the relationship. Maybe he'd be a better friend than friend with benefits. Maybe that would allow you to drop expectations or wondering what is on his mind. He's what we call flaky from your description. Or he knows you like him more than he likes you so he controls the relationship to slow you down?

I think if you want a serious talk, you have to make it a sit down listen and observe him serious talk. No joking around or hinting around - be direct and think it out beforehand. When you said you hoped you were more than a visitor, what is he supposed to respond with? I mean he jokes back because its not a serious conversation. But you've been "dating" a few months now and you get to decide if this flakiness is okay, just how he is with a new women, or if it makes you so disappointed and crazy thinking that its back to friend zone or out totally. You don't have to put up with a new relationship that feels like a bad fit. You matter, too.

I think he cares too but is still not ready for a relationship. Yeah I feel kinda like I am just hanging here waiting for him to decide. But given what happened to him I would want to go slow too. I understand. Heck, it took me 2 yrs after my husbands death to even think about dating again. Everyone is different with relationships, esp men! I don't want to be just friends cus of my feelings for him. I know they are more than what he feels for me but then he doesn't talk about his feelings. So how do I know? He may be afraid to feel again cus of what happened in the past. Everyone says to just be patient, give him time and space and love and he'll come around. That I am a good catch and he will realize that in time. As for his flakiness, that's who he is. I wouldn't change him if I could. And you can't change people anyway. I can tell you he is lost cus he once said I lost everything I had and now I have nothing but this trailer, I have nothing to offer anyone. Of course I tried to say positive things about him so he thinks different about that. I could say we are 2 broken people trying to find our way through this mess that is called life. Him more than me cus I believe in the Lord Jesus and pray a lot. If the Lord brought us together things will work out in time. See back when I met my late husband we dated and then broke up. But 6 mos later he calls me up and the rest is history. I still think the Lord had a hand in that. He has always been watching over me. Gotta go for now.

He may be ready for a relationship but not a full partnership.... He may just want to see one person but not necessarily on a daily basis or he may not want to live with someone

He could still care though

I would agree with what others wrote about taking it slow and enjoying the day.... xo

You both are neighbors...so if it were me, I would be a little stand off-ish as well. Reason being is because you both live right next to each other. In my opinion just go with the flow, let him get acclimated to new home and area.
As for that feeling you felt, many have that and its wonderful to feel! It does feel awful when its not reciprocated back. Many men are scared off by that as well, if they are not ready for it.

HI everyone, thought I would catch you up with my life with Dave, It's about the same as it was. He invited me over last night for pizza and wings. Had a good time, then when I was going to leave I asked about his feelings for me and he said not to push, so I guess he doesn't have any or he's not ready. It's only been 4 mos for us. But when I am with him I feel good & happy and it's crazy. Can a person be so hurt they are afraid to trust again? He told me once he is not going back there, he meant living with his ex. He does open up to me some times. I have to stop worrying about it and give him his time and space I guess. I pray he'll come around one day.

Are you able to enjoy the relationship as it is, in the moment? No worrying about where it is going.

You are behaving like the person going on a road trip to an exciting destination, so focused on "what to do when we get there" that they miss all the sights and scenery along the way.