Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi Everyone,
I need your advice...
After seven years of being a single mom, and six being out of a relationship, other than briefly dating someone last year, and meeting a few people from dating sites I wasnt interested in, I find myself confused about someone I recently met.
He messaged me online in the summer, and it progressed through texting, then planned a day to meet, which fell through because when he texted me that morning to confirm, my phone was off as I was scrambling to get my house clean for the babysitter, and it took me I think a couple of hours before responding, and by that time, he didnt think it was happening and was outside without his phone when I texted back. Yet the night before I told him I hired a sitter, etc. Anyhow, I was upset (feeling stood up) b/c was on my way to meet him before finding out that he didnt get my text saying we were still on. So we went our separate ways.
Then he messaged me again before Christmas...and in retrospect, I could see the misunderstanding from the last time, and had felt a genuine connection to him the last time, in spite of it, and agreed to meet again. So, again, he texted me all the time for a couple of weeks, and we agreed to meet again, and did.
It was weird because I felt a connection before meeting him, and somewhat when I met him too. But when we spoke, I learned that he still smoked, and not just socially as on his profile, and didnt ask his doctor about quitting, as he said he was going to, the week before, which bothered me because when we first messaged he said he was trying to quit as well. So, not wanting to be with a smoker (and with a child with asthma), I was concerned about the fit, as much as I liked him in other ways.
When we communicating after meeting, he asked me how I felt about it, and I told him I enjoyed meeting (we talked for 5 hours at a coffee house), but had an issue about the smoking. He was upset feeling Id knew that he smoked and met him anyway just to use him for lunch (apparently some women do this). This communication was through text, so I emailed him to let him know otherwise, and when he read it, he thanked me for it. And that was it. Hes under the impression I dont want involvement with him.
Long story short...I cant get this person out of my head. I was hoping that he would have reassured me that he was serious about quitting smoking during our communication after we met. But its been about 5 days, now and I havent heard anything. Its not that I expect to, but feel torn about this person.
Despite the things that I dont like, there are some things that I do like and where it does feel a good fit. Its been many years since Ive felt this way about someone. Im trying to forget about it but I cant and dont know what to do. And I normally dont pursue men either, so, I feel lost, and its driving me a little crazy. So, I feel I need some other perspectives. Any insights or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I need your advice...
After seven years of being a single mom, and six being out of a relationship, other than briefly dating someone last year, and meeting a few people from dating sites I wasnt interested in, I find myself confused about someone I recently met.
He messaged me online in the summer, and it progressed through texting, then planned a day to meet, which fell through because when he texted me that morning to confirm, my phone was off as I was scrambling to get my house clean for the babysitter, and it took me I think a couple of hours before responding, and by that time, he didnt think it was happening and was outside without his phone when I texted back. Yet the night before I told him I hired a sitter, etc. Anyhow, I was upset (feeling stood up) b/c was on my way to meet him before finding out that he didnt get my text saying we were still on. So we went our separate ways.
Then he messaged me again before Christmas...and in retrospect, I could see the misunderstanding from the last time, and had felt a genuine connection to him the last time, in spite of it, and agreed to meet again. So, again, he texted me all the time for a couple of weeks, and we agreed to meet again, and did.
It was weird because I felt a connection before meeting him, and somewhat when I met him too. But when we spoke, I learned that he still smoked, and not just socially as on his profile, and didnt ask his doctor about quitting, as he said he was going to, the week before, which bothered me because when we first messaged he said he was trying to quit as well. So, not wanting to be with a smoker (and with a child with asthma), I was concerned about the fit, as much as I liked him in other ways.
When we communicating after meeting, he asked me how I felt about it, and I told him I enjoyed meeting (we talked for 5 hours at a coffee house), but had an issue about the smoking. He was upset feeling Id knew that he smoked and met him anyway just to use him for lunch (apparently some women do this). This communication was through text, so I emailed him to let him know otherwise, and when he read it, he thanked me for it. And that was it. Hes under the impression I dont want involvement with him.
Long story short...I cant get this person out of my head. I was hoping that he would have reassured me that he was serious about quitting smoking during our communication after we met. But its been about 5 days, now and I havent heard anything. Its not that I expect to, but feel torn about this person.
Despite the things that I dont like, there are some things that I do like and where it does feel a good fit. Its been many years since Ive felt this way about someone. Im trying to forget about it but I cant and dont know what to do. And I normally dont pursue men either, so, I feel lost, and its driving me a little crazy. So, I feel I need some other perspectives. Any insights or advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Someone who is addicted to cigarettes has a VERY difficult time quitting. They get nervous, they've gotta have a smoke. I couldn't be with someone who smokes. Kissing a dirty ashtray and getting lung cancer from inhaling the stuff second-hand is not the least bit appealing to me.
But separate from that, I really do believe if a man is interested, I mean seriously interested and wants to give it his best shot to make something happen with a woman, he finds a way. He makes an effort, he demonstrates his interest crystal clear, he enjoys expending energy in being demonstrative.
A stereotype? maybe, but one I personally have faith in.
And if he doesnt, if he is only casually interested, then a less than perfect fit, or resistance from the other party for whatever reason, cools an otherwise less-than-intense state of interest.
I would move on.
At least he was upfront that he smokes, instead of checking "never", and then trying to hide it while you date.
I would be more concerned that he immediately got snippy like a little school girl and accused you using him for lunch.
I mean...he's not Zeus, right? You eating lunch wasn't the best thing to happen in your life up until that point, right? LOL...he obviously has bad online dating experiences, and is clumping you in with all the other women he spoke to online.
I say, focus on your kids, and keep it moving. Don't compromise or settle for deal-breakers.
Justine0, I've also always felt that if someone is seriously interested, they figure out a way. Which is why I haven't pursued matters since.
I told him I wasn't interested in dating a smoker the first time he approached me, and he said he was trying to quit. I almost wish he hadn't, so this would be a non issue right now. Yet we ended up forming an attachment, with that understanding on my part.
And TTM, I did also mention in my email to him that I didn't want to be with someone that would accuse me of being something I'm not. So, I'm with you on that one.
It's interesting how being outside of something you know things so clearly, until you get wrapped up in them, and it can get somewhat confusing.
For years I haven't been willing to compromise what I want, but I haven't met anyone I was remotely attracted to either...
If I don't attract smokers, drinkers or drug-abusers, I tend to attract WORK-a-holics, women who are already married...to their jobs. The trick is balancing work and play, tough when it costs so much money to live!
Good luck in your continued search.
About the smoking, If he said to you or on his profile that he was trying to quit and he made absolutely no indication that was true upon getting to know him better, then he changed his story and that is on him. How about taking some responsibility for that instead of whining and blaming other people? Maybe I am not understanding the situation correctly, but that is my impression based on what you said.
I've seen a lot of people quit smoking once they met "the one"...a lot of the time with people who are determined to quit, the incentive of finding a relationship is the thing that motivates them to quit. Of course, this often doesn't pan out and the person just smokes anyway and the relationship fails because of it. It depends on how strong the person is and if their word means anything. It is POSSIBLE...but in general, I wouldn't recommend dating a smoker who claims he or she will quit later - it's not worth the investment for the very likely outcome that they can't or won't follow through. Gotta be honest with you...this guy doesn't sound like he really wants to quit, I would recommend moving on. You could tell him that you thought he was going to quit, but since that is not the case anymore, you can't date a smoker, but if he DOES quit and stays off cigarettes for at least a month, you'd like to keep dating him. (but I wouldn't hold my breath for this outcome.)
"Unless he's flying someone on his private jet..." Thanks for the laugh! So true. And I did tell him after we met that he'd told me twice that he was quitting (2nd time was supposed to ask for help with it during a Dr appt last week, but didn't). I believed him, but saw differently when we met, which is why I wasn't interested anymore.
I also really like your point about acting like a victim, which does seem somewhat like that, once hearing it. At the same time, I can see why someone would be upset having driven an hour, but it was his choice for lunch after we sat and talked for hours beforehand, not mine. Coffee was my idea and where we met (a coffee house).
Thanks for your feedback!
And while he went off the dating site while interacting with me, tonight I just noticed him back on. I guess that's pretty telling (hard to see, but telling).
If you want to change something/anything about someone else....the odds of it being a good fit are nil.
Thanks for your kind words and reminder about the kind of man I want, and don't. It's been a long time since I've felt somewhat de-railed about a situation like this. So, you're words were like a good wake-up call.
It's just been hard to meet anyone, considering I'm in a bit of a remote area, and I find gets harder with age. (But maybe that's what it feels like.) And when you do find someone where a lot of things feel like they click, it's easy to feel excited about it and hard to let go (in my mind).
It may be hard to believe, given this post but I really am a strong person that doesn't settle. But I've also been alone a long time, and I guess we all have our moments of weakness. I'm just glad I came here first in my moment!
And namaste02,
Thanks for you input. However, I wouldn't get into a relationship and try and change someone. I had already told him I didn't want to get involved because of the smoking, which he told me he was quitting, but I saw otherwise and ended it.
However, I still found myself feeling emotionally connected to him (even though we were not in contact anymore) and feeling a little stuck about the situation.
I get the struggle he might be going through, and when he said he was going to ask his doctor for help during an appt he had (which he didn't), he said he hated it. So, I agree with you on that front.
I've just let things go, and feel that if he wants to be with me, he knows what's important to me.
Keepingthefaithalive,
I forgot to mention that he did take a day off work to meet me, as I did him (we both work for ourselves), which meant a lot, in addition to the drive. He told me he would "make the time" and he did, which meant a lot, in addition to focusing solely on me, vs staying on the dating site, when our initial connection was only texting for a couple of weeks. I felt important to him, which was partly what confused me.
Anyhow, as I mentioned, he's back on the dating site...
I think you made the right decision.
Whether he quits smoking or not I really didn't like it when he said you "used" him for lunch!
That alone would make me walk away.
Good Luck to you!
Thanks for your feedback.
The lunch thing seems to stand out for others too. And it was also just a cheap bite to eat, while still at the coffee house, at that. So, point very well taken by you and everyone.