Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Okay, so, I'm trying to get to know this guy, romantically. He lives kinda far off, so we are just talking, but it's getting more serious. Anyway, he starts mentioning that he's a very, very picky eater. I'm an avid cook and a foodie, so this is a bummer, but whatever. I can roll with it and I'm pretty easy going.
But the more we talk the more I find not only do we differ on big, important things like values, politics, and such (which he glossed over with "It's totally fine if we just never talk about it"), but he has so many rules. Things he won't do, thing I can't do, things we can't do together.
I genuinely like this guy and I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but this is getting to be too much. The confusing part is that he still seems totally positive this will all just work out some how. Personally, I don't know if I could ever relax and feel at home around someone with so many constraints that I need a flow chart. Sometimes I just want to be like "Dude! Do you really not have even the slightest suspicion that we might not be a match?" I'm really not sure how to handle this.
But the more we talk the more I find not only do we differ on big, important things like values, politics, and such (which he glossed over with "It's totally fine if we just never talk about it"), but he has so many rules. Things he won't do, thing I can't do, things we can't do together.
I genuinely like this guy and I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but this is getting to be too much. The confusing part is that he still seems totally positive this will all just work out some how. Personally, I don't know if I could ever relax and feel at home around someone with so many constraints that I need a flow chart. Sometimes I just want to be like "Dude! Do you really not have even the slightest suspicion that we might not be a match?" I'm really not sure how to handle this.
If he replies back, asks why (and is polite about it), I would probably say something along the lines that you live too far apart, or you don't think you're compatible (I'd probably say the first thing).
But then you don't need to respond to the why question. But I do think you need to tell him it's not going to work (versus blow him off, disappear without warning, so he's not left hanging wondering where you went).
But, don't settle. If you have even the slightest clue now...before even having a relationship in person...it only gets more glaring as time goes on. Little annoyances now become HUGE deals down the road.
Short and sweet works...you are a great guy but I think our differences are too great. There's no way you'll find happiness with someone that wants all the control, rules...whatever. HE might be feeling hurt but he needs to maybe self reflect and discover these hurts may stem from his rigidness in what he wants in a mate. No one should settle but, come on...rules? What you can't do, things he won't do, things you can't do together? Relationship is about compromise. Obviously, we can't and shouldn't ask someone to change their values and such but, from what I gathered from what you wrote...it'd be you making compromise and him...not.
Anyhow, hope that made sense. I think once you do it and get it over with you'll end up feeling relief. The anticipation is always worse than how it really ends up going. I've had to do similar and it really was fine after I got it out.
Good luck!
~Michelle
Online romantic relationship are not real (not until you meet).
Often the other person is not quite what you expect (sets up a false intimacy), which is why I prefer to meet quickly after we start chatting. Even if you only met a couple times, you still are not obligated to make things work (you're in the getting to know each other phase). It's ok to change your mind, and not give a reason. If you were in a long term committed relationship, that is different, this is not the case!
I would still keep it short and sweet. If he gets mad/ lays on the guilt trip (it's happened to me, more than once), I'd maybe reply again, say "sorry, not going to work, bye"...Then don't respond again.
As a previous poster said before, it is much better to end it now. Personally I'd much rather a person, that is having doubts, end things before we meet (especially if we live a considerable distance away).
Best wishes!
I was talking with this guy once, same thing. Then we got into politics and he completely flipped out one day because i was going to vote for Obama!!
Good thing we never met.