Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi all…I’m asking for guidance I guess. I’m feeling really conflicted about someone who I thought was a friend. We are also coworkers and in the beginning, I thought she was wonderful. She has a great work ethic and is well-liked at our job. She also seems to have a big heart and says she’s always there for anyone if they need to talk. I’ve recently been going through some rockiness in my relationship with my bf and every time I’ve reached out to her, she’s been supportive. The thing is she never reaches out first…even the day after I messaged her when I was obviously going through it. If I text first I almost immediately get a response, but if its just to talk, she gives me basically one word responses. But if its about my bf, she’ll send pages of texts encouraging me to leave him and that I deserve better. She thinks he’s a narcissist, which is nothing new since a lot of my family does too- but now that he and I recently started getting along again, I don’t think she’d be supportive of me staying with him. Her main issue is he’s been physically abusive in the past. She told me she thinks I’m an empath, and that she is one as well, along with being highly intuitive. But recently I started womdering if maybe she’s the narcissist. I used to feel comforted by her presence but now I feel nervous whenever I see her- like I need her validation. Again she hasn’t actually done anything…she has had a bad past before we met…but she’s said that she’s working on making amends. I know she cares a great deal about her work, and she’s very close with her family and encouraged me to work on my relationship with mine- which is something good that’s come out of the friendship. Its just that I feel like she only cares when there’s a problem, which strikes me as odd. Does anyone get a feel for what kind of intentions she has?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I think it is curious that you question her motives, yet stay with an abuser who everyone says is a narcissist. It sounds like he is the person you should distrust.
But you know this. You just need to accept that he won't change. You need to know you deserve better.
My guess is that your friend encouraged you to leave and was there for you to support you in that but when you chose to stay it created awkwardness in the friendship. I’ve had friends who would tell me how poorly their partner was treating them and how they were struggling with their partner’s behavior. I’d be there for them and they would be all set to leave them with my help, only for them to continue their relationship with their a-hole boyfriend. So then there is now all this weirdness in the friendship because I know the guy is a jerk but my friend wants to act as if we never had serious conversations about the bad boyfriend, like it’s all good and normal when it’s really not.
I suspect you want your friend’s approval of your relationship and for staying with your boyfriend, but because you aren’t getting it, it’s easier to focus on something being wrong with your friend than being honest with yourself about your relationship.
This is all speculation of course. I mean the best way to know what your friend’s intentions are is to ask her. Good friendships have give and take and have open communication, both ways.
If your friend is an empath, intuitive like me, she has to be careful about her energy level and protecting herself from negativity. Is your relationship 'balanced" with this gal? Meaning do you listen to her as she listens to you? She is filling a need within herself with her big heart, and listening...I have to admit I did this for years to avoid taking care of myself and my own problems. Thanking God I now know how to say No and have boundaries.
I think rmb hit the nail on the head "you go and complain yet don't change the situation you are in'. This man has been abusive to you? You Stay? Why? Do you not think you are worthy of a man who will treat you with respect? Where do you think you and this relationship will be in a year or 5 years?
I listened to a dr's pod cast for 2024 to help make small meaningful changes in life. These are the journal questions to help...I'm 70, and constantly trying to change myself in order to spend my time remaining alive to the best of my ability, perhaps it's time to stop and think how best you can live to be healthier and happier with yourself, as you are the only one who can change you, you can't change Anyone else. Prayers For Peace and Healing To You.<3
MORNING:-
- What's the most important thing to do Today?
- What's one thing you deeply appreciate about your life?
- What quality do you want to show to the world today?
EVENING :-
- What went well today?
- What can I do differently tomorrow?
- What did I do for someone else today?
Have you considered how she potentially feels or just made her the target of blame?
Open up your heart and mind and be honest with yourself. Flip the script which means consider everything opposite to what you wrote. What if she is not the narcissist, what if you are the self absorbed one who didn't notice she was overwhelmed by your problems and lack of change?
Flip the script, what if she's been too nice and now she regrets learning what is going on in your life?
Just consider these things, take a good look within and you will find your answers.
Maybe she's someone that needs to be needed... I don't know... Noone is perfect and we all have our own 'stuff'
Maybe ask her out for lunch or for a drink and see what happens.... Big hug of support while you sort it out... xo
But let’s say she only wants to be your pretend therapist. Narcissistic people give off self absorbed vibes, not caring and listening. But let’s say this was your relationship. Now you have figured it out.
You are not bad for falling too quickly into using her listening ear. and she’s not bad for being overly too helpful. Let this merely be a lesson about yourself and about other people. Compassion for her and for yourself. Let’s not label her as anything because in our own self examination, we can name our actions and feelings without using bad labels on ourselves.
And then hoping she will be accepting of him and of me.
This is work. A place of business. Let's not bring that type of personal bad news to our co-workers. We may think they are our good friend, but it might be just a work-friend, so best to watch what you say.
Like you just said, she will probably talk about it behind your back to the others.
She *could* be a person that likes to give advice, or she could be the office gossip person (there's always one of those!)
Keep topics more neutral. Ask about her. Talk about your boyfriend to your other non-work friends.
It didn't work.....it was just a bunch of opinions. And I ended up feeling worse
After this and trying my best to keep an open mind...I remember why I haven't been back.
Being told that I'm self absorbed or reading judgmntal remarks about taking my personal life to work are EXACTLY the type of shaming comments that leave victims of DV even more closed off and dependent on their partners as their sole support , which just further perpetuates the cycle.
I reached out to this woman after much debating. in my head and thinking I could confide in her based on what I saw after knowing her almost a year. Its true I'm not sure if I can completely trust her but at the time, I based my decision on the fact that she seemed like a kind and decent person. She had previously shared that she'd been through some pretty crazy stuff in her past relationships too so it wasn't like the topic was completely out of the blue.
Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe I don't have other friends? Well where do you make friends at age 34? Its not exactly easy when the only places you go are work and home
An online forum is always going to be a bunch of people giving their opinions. You literally asked for opinions when asked what people thought her intentions were.
I’m not sure what you are expecting from a group of strangers who are not relationship professionals or experts. It’s ALWAYS going to be anecdotal advice and opinions. That’s how it works. If someone says something that doesn’t resonate with you, ignore it. If someone says something that resonates, think on it. It’s pretty simple.
No one is shaming you. I am not sure what kind of support you are seeking since your post didn’t come off as seeking support but rather asking others what to make of your friend.
I think if you ask for support as someone who may be struggling with DV, a feeling of isolation (few friends) that the response will be different than what you received from this post.
Like your work friend, I never turn off my phone. I’m available to help family, friends, community anytime I’m not busy. My life is pretty stable so when someone is talking to me about some problems in their life I don’t talk about me. I offer support when asked. Some friends are going through so much that I feel that they don’t have room for my little issues.
I hope you can see that there are caring people here and I have rarely seen anyone judged.
I think the problem may lie on you started off asking for 'guidance' so we're giving our thoughts
Not to hurt you... Please know that.... People are trying to help
Sometimes if you just want to be heard it's better to say " I just want someone to listen or offer support"
Big hug..... xo
But yes if you feel that she is a gossip then you do need to be careful. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong or should feel ashamed. It just means to be mindful in the future to protect yourself.
If we can't think about a new perspective than all our struggles and arguments and conflict in life are just things that become ingrained and rigid habits. That doesn't serve us well.