Im sorry to hear this is happening to you
You really have to ask yourself, whether this relationship is worth all the emotionally struggle and if its worth fighting for?
to be honest is seems toxic from the way you describe it especially as it seems he is very inconsiderate of your feelings. Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we argue but it never escalates to the point where he dismisses how I feel (makes from of how I feel or anything too serious) even if I am the one being irrational, we talk it out. we tell each other what is triggering, and work from there.. but enough examples from me relationship. I think another thing you have to ask your self, Do you trust him? thats very crucial, because if he has kids with this woman she will be around regardless.

Also, Please dont disregard how you feel for his sake or because your scared to be a lone, You must remember YOU COME FIRST as well as your own happiness. For now, try to set boundaries for yourself with this woman, and if you truly want to be with him, girl you have to trust him. If you dont, then theres only one course of action.

My advice is to talk to him. BUT like actually talk, without it turning into a debate about who is right. try to meet in the middle with each other. Perhaps right down what you want to say to him, talk about it with your therapist before going to him (practice it so that he wont catch you off guard emotionally)

I hope this helps! and you deserve so much more, and to be with someone who knows your worth! remember that =)

Whether he’s a narcissist or not, does it really matter? He’s been talking to his ex like this for a while. I don’t think it’s ever going to change.

Did he tell you he told her he still loves her and misses her or did you see that in one of his texts to her?

I am not at all a jealous person so this is not coming from someone who freaks out about that kind of stuff. I’ve never checked my husband’s calls or texts. I get having to talk to an ex about shared children. And if it were a matter of her being friendly with you and him including you in conversations with her I’d think you would feel different.

It kind of sounds like he’s trying to make it look like you are imagining it and you are not helping yourself by obsessing over it after three years. I mean he still after three years tells her he misses and loves her and after three years you are feeling like shit about it. That’s messed up. I

When you come together as a couple with one of you still having unfinished business with another person, there will always be a third person in your relationship. Telling someone you love them and miss them is to me a level of intimacy that he is still participating in with his ex. I know he has to talk to her because they share children but that’s not this.

When I typed, "narcissists" into the DS search engine I found 9 support groups. I didn't look at them very closely, nor did I juggle the search term any, but thought I'd pass on the info.

Hope you find the support you need. Hope healing happens here.

Big hug for you Blue..... I'm sorry that you're going through this..... The reason he continues to talk with his ex even if it bothers you IF he's a narcissist is because he's the only one that matters

You'll never get what you hope for if he has this disorder

I'll give you a link for the signs and symptoms..... I hope that you will find some help and support for you sweetie.... You deserve it.....xo

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about

Thank you all for your advice. I have told him as kindly as possible (and as angry as possible) that this hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure. He just tells me I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and he will not change his behavior. He has said he is the greatest catch any woman could ever have. He truly ONLY does what HE wants (yes, suncloud) . If he wanted to limit his talking to her to once a week, it would be done. He does not want to, therefore I can talk till I die and he will not even compromise with me. Just says I am the one causing trouble in our relationship by not letting this go. When he is nice, he is very very kind and loving to me but when it is something important and it goes against his wishes, he is mean.
I overheard him talking to her when he didnt know I was around. Thats how I heard him tell her he loves her and wants to hug and kiss her. He just said he felt bad for her at that moment and didn't mean anything by it. It just didn't go over well with me because there are other small things that go on too. Your right, definitely unfinished business! Thank you, I will check out those support groups.

If my wife and I divorced I would feel bad for the first woman I got involved with Unless I took a few years to live alone and move on. Over a decade ago my wife had an affair and after she ended it I checked her phone a total of two times. That stressed energy was just perpetuating the pain and it made me feel terrible. However I had her assurance that it was over and I believed her. Allowing him to keep the ex so close seems like it’s stroking his ego. He’s got two woman who want him. If the kids were in grade school I could see some time on the phone but at that age?? He should be talking to them that much not their mom. What was the reason he left her? Do you know? Really?

You posted about this issue before, so I say this with kindness: he is not going to change his behavior and the fact that you mentioned in a previous post that she says nasty things to him about you and yet he continues to carry on with a friendship with her that is beyond normal coparenting says everything you need to know about what kind of man he is, whether he’s a narcissist or just feels guilty for leaving her or is just simply clueless. I actually don’t think any of that matters.

You started dating him while he was not divorced yet. That means he was likely still emotionally involved with her to some degree. This is what I mean about unfinished business. He went from her right to you. That’s never a good idea in my opinion.

I’m sure you feel insecure in the relationship with their connection still intact. I would too. I suspect he would feel insecure if you did what he’s doing. How would he feel if he overheard you expressing love to an ex, or an ex speaking poorly of him? Bet he’d not put up with that for a second.

You've stated that you believe he may well be a narcissist and you have to walk on eggshells around him

If he is he can't empathize with others...…. He'll not change without serious therapy and narcissists seldom admit that they need it and it's everyone else's problem

The best thing that I think you can do if this is the case is RUN...… Move on or you'll be doing the same thing 5 years from now..... Gentle hug......xo

He's playing her to!!

subtypes of narcissism

https://iheartintelligence.com/7-different-types-of-narcissists/

Yes, I wish he would've lived on his own first. it was his idea to move right in with me. He has a way of making me feel as if I am being ridiculous and crazy for this so that is why i ask you all. I basically know I am not asking too much but then his words get in my head and confuse me.

He has told me if for some reason it doesnt' work with us, he would just go back to her. He says that should be comforting to me , showing me that he is not a player. It's not comforting! Then he will tell me he doesn't want her ....he wouldn't have spent thousands to divorce her.

For now, I am going to try to not constantly check up on him , for my own sake. Thanks all for reminding me my feelings are ok. I'll check out that website suncloud.

Oh My God me too. I always feel like the bad one.

I am just learning this.... I am so so hurting. I thought he loved me. HAHAHa He is so mean.