Does your son understand that actions have consequences? What are the consequences of him yelling/cursing you, breaking things? How old are your children?

Have you tried family counseling?

Has he been to counseling? Was he always like this? I mean something is going on with him. This isn’t normal behavior.

I think you and dad need to get help as a couple and parents. You mention this kid smoking all day, do you mean weed? Do you know about the high THC content in some weed and the paranoia and almost schizophrenic like behavior that some doctors are reporting? If you are talking about this kid smoking weed all day, I am going to suggest you parents get help first through Al Anon or something similar. You guys need to get educated and understand the nature of the disease of substance abuse. Your feelings of guilt are not helpful as they keep us from doing the hard things we often must do to truly help our children. When we take away consequences, we actually harm our children in the long run. I am sorry, this is a very difficult situation. Couples counseling can help you and your husband to get on the same page about what needs to be done and to deal with your own feelings. How this sometimes effects the "good child" is that all the parental attention gets focused on the "wayward child" so the good child does not feel loved and they may be angry that the parents allowed the "wayward child" to destroy the peaceful family life and suck the joy out of the house.

Hi- I’m very sorry to hear about your son. Have you tried parental counselling? If not yet, I want to encourage you to try counselling to help you and your husband more equipped in handling this kind of situation.

Is your son seeing a therapist? A therapist can help him to manage his anger issues. Please stay strong. I have a friend who had a problem with her daughter. Rebellious attitude, stealing credit cards and went to jail but with the help of therapy she is now healed emotionally.

Praying for you that things will be well with your family and you will all come out victoriously. Please keep us posted.

Praying for you Mom, that's really tough. Some teens simply need "tough love" where Mom and Dad stand up for themselves, their home, their other children to know that this simply cannot continue in this way. It's your home, it should be your sanctuary of peace and control over your own environment. Perhaps a giant "Come to Jesus" sit down talk after you and your husband come together to stand as a united front to give the rules and ultimatums of if those rules are not followed what will be the consequences to those actions.
I know it sound harsh, but lovingly setting limits to protect yourselves and your home is showing yourselves respect and honor that he is not showing. Not tolerating these behaviors to go on will force him to make a choice too. To continue which then forces your hands to act on your stand or he must come into compliance if he's going to stay in your home or leave. You and your hubby need to be united on all of this though, it's your home and your future. Stay strong Momma... that's tough stuff.

Big hug for you abc.... You never ever reward bad behaviour...

I agree that you all need counselling......and I also agree that smoking weed can really change the brain

There are programs for at risk teens but I can only imagine that they're pretty expensive

I would ask your GP to refer you for appropriate help ...

People won't tolerate this and he can't feel good about himself once he calms down...

He needs to learn coping skills and to change some behaviors

I think the family dynamics have to change in order to help him and the whole family....

Big hug... I know that this would be hard..... There is help though.....xo

Here's some online info

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/helping-troubled-teens.htm

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-communicate-with-your-teen-when-your-connection-is-waning/

https://psychcentral.com/news/2013/12/17/heavy-pot-use-may-damage-brain/63425.html

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I have tried everything, counseling, psychiatrist, backer acts,rehab etc.The problem is that he does not want help and then therapists and pills are no magic.He has a mood disorder most likely among other diagnosis. Mental health places are not magic and when he comes out he drops the meds. He is 17 now. I have called the police numerous times. The thing is the police will not rehabilitate him but just punish him.Sometimes, they come out worse and learn things at those places. If I have too I will place him but I don't have faith in those. Yes, it is my house, but he does not respond to rules or consequences, he just does not care. I don't want him to go to jail.He knows I can not kick him out legally, unless I give him to the state.Of course, I can not do that. In the meantime, My family life sucks because of him.We used to be happy!, Normal!
Today he acted weird, acussing me of taking some of his things.I did not go in his room, he did not remeber things etc. He said he hasn't slept for 2 days.That might be it. He does not have an official mood disorder diagnosis because of his age but I am pretty sure he has bipolar 2. The main tx for that is medication .It has been 3 years of crazy with him.
I know it could be worse.I have an appointment with a new doctor and see what he can do for my teen.Thanks again!

This is your home... You can go where you want in it.... You pay the bills and you are the parent

If he's using mood altering chemicals such as pot he really can't be diagnosed as he's constantly impaired if he's using pot daily??.. If he is how is he paying for it?

I agree thatt Al anon might really help you and your husband as well so that there isn't codependent or enabling behaviour going on.... That will just hurt all of you

If you can manage it I would see if you can get him into an inpatient program for teens that are out of control.... You can sign him in as his guardian

There are consequences to bad behaviour whether you're in jail or in a mental health facility

A mood disorder isn't an excuse for terrible behaviour.... and it never will be

If there is a disorder of some kind he should be working with it to find stability not against it which is a losing battle

Codependency

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873#signs-and-symptoms-of-codependency

Dear ABC.. This is tough. It seems that your family is not safe including your son. It sounds like your home is not a SAFE place. Please get help from a counselor and ask for resources. It seems that the toxic stream has got to be cut off if your son is going to be set free from his addictions: yes videos and smoking are toxic and addictive. Detox is probably in the picture somewhere if there is any hope for change and you may not ready to do it at home. It is not pretty, it is not easy. But sometimes you just have to do what is best. Mental illness or not, I pray for these addictions to be released from your son and for him to get the help he needs and be healed. I am praying for you and your family as you go through this rough time. God bless you. Feel free to keep me posted as I will continue to pray for you.

I recommend you and dad get the counseling to decide what to do. We had to set rules with a young man son and he walked out of the house. In some ways, this was good because we got a peaceful family life back. Your younger kid is suffering. Perhaps ask her how life at home is for her. The weed smoking on top of his personality disorder and mood disorder are something not fixable by you. He controls everything in your house so why should he cooperate or change for you? There is no easy answer but allowing him to stay in this mess isn’t helpful either. At some point, he has to live consequences. It’s hard as a parent. We had to refuse housing for our problem child many times. He considers us as kicking him out. He’d lie and say he has changed and then go right back to his crap once he was living with us again. He has a personality disorder and a mood disorder and a drug and alcohol problem. Many years on his own and us telling him to get psychological help made him finally start to take care of his mental health. He still has his personality disorder which makes him never going to be empathetic or giving. We don’t know how stable he is or if he still smokes weed and other drugs plus alcohol but he has a job and did go back to college. Look up antisocial personality disorder for how our son is. What we had to do is gain a backbone, drop our guilt, and realize that allowing our son to run us over and create stress and unhappiness in the house was not good for any of us. Your daughter is being damaged by the focus on him and his control of the family and your guilt. He is the focus and her life isn’t important so she may find a way to get out of the house early and may harbor anger that you’ve allowed the son to do his family damage. I am being really blunt here and I apologize. There is no other way to say it. There is no good answer but you do have to stop appeasing him, and let him go to jail or a facility or be homeless, so that your daughter can have a good life. Nothing you do will ever make you happy or guilt free. It’s toughest a parent, it destroys marriages, and creates estrangements. Counseling for you, dad, and daughter can help you figure out what to do.

Thank you Urbangarderner, I needed to hear that. I am sorry about your son's diagnoses. and it is great that he is in colleage.Yes, it is so very difficult, I want him to shape up, to change, and I keep thinking he will and that he is inmature. He has brought unhappiness to my home, my family.We haven't had a family vacation, a good x-mas and peace in my house in three years. He refuses to get help. I made an appointment with a doctor for medication. The backer acts he has had don't do anything because he does not follow through with the recomendations,After the holidays and depending what the doctor says I will look into impatient treatment.

I think impatient probably will not work because they are not magians and he does not want to change. However, I need to try. He is doing bad in school again.He goes to an adult program where is mostly online . After the holidays I will put him back in regular school.At least there he has more help.If he refuses to go I will call the truant officer and go from there. Thanks to everyone who responded.At times I feel so lost and I don't know what to do.I really value everyone on this site and is helping me to get through all these difficult times.

I can’t imagine what it feels like for you to live in this nightmare.
My best friend has a child like this. He has been arrested multiple times for trying to kill his parents.
The only thing that made him better was having his own family.
Unfortunately, this young man is a sociopath and there is no cure for it, but as he grows older, he may get more insight into who he is and learn to control
His behavior.
Hugs.