Big hug for you angel...… I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out....

It would bother me if a man I was in a relationship with watched porn all of the time... Nothing about insecurity on my part however I find porn disturbing and regularly lying would definitely cause issues in any relationship

Insecurity within you is something that you will have to look inside you to figure out.... This will continue to hurt you moving forward if you don't

If you're able to get into some therapy it could help you a great deal however jealousy and insecurity are about you not a guy...…

Gentle hug and a blessing.....xo

I had a similar problem with my boyfriend. He was not so much into porn but into Instagram models and naked photos and just objectifying all women. I read a lot about it and found out it is normal to feel the way you feel. Aside from insecurity, if what he is doing is hurting your feelings and making you feel uncomfortable you should absolutely tell him that. If he respects and loves you, he will stop because he will understand this is important for you. My boyfriend ended up deleting all porn stars/models from his social media and all the photos and honestly so far he has not looked back. He said that after we talked he doesn't even look at women the same way and understands how I felt and why. Talk to him about it and make sure you are on the same page and can communicate before going back.

Thanks for your reply Tina, my boyfriend stopped the por. thing 8 months ago but I still don’t know how to move forward. I would also like to be ok with him ocasionally watching porn, I don’t want to be the psycho insecure girlfriend, but it I don’t know how :(.

Thanks for your reply SunCloud, I am in therapy but it is taking soo long to see an improvement:(

You are not a psycho girlfriend because that makes you uncomfortable. I honestly put that behind me and don't even think about it anymore. He says he is not looking at pictures but I know that is not possible since they are everywhere online and his so called buddies are sending them left and right. I just appreciate the fact that he cut out the obsession and is now better able to control himself. This is something we will never be completely ok with it since most of us have some insecurity. But it doesn't have to be the focus on our relationships. If he is reassuring and you know he loves you and likes you it is fine if he every now and then does this in private. I wouldn't want to know if I am you though.

I totally get you, My boyfriend also used to be on one of those whatsapp chats with some friends that kept sending him porn all the time, he left the chats for me. Sometimes is the same society that forces men to continue to engage on those behaviors. I mean I get it that is nice to look at porn from time to time because I also like to watch but for men society keeps feeding them porn images 24/7.

I attend Al Anon, which is a group for families of friends of addicts. My husband had the addiction of porn when we first met. It really messed with him more than it did me.
He has quit but it made our sex life a mess. That and his catholic upbringing.
But the program has taught me to take care of myself emotionally, spiritually and physically.
I take care of myself now and ppl that do damage to my serenity are no longer a part of my life or I have many boundaries around them. You have the right to decide if it bothers you or not. Just bc "this is what guys do" is not good enough. If you don't like it, you don't have to.
It is gross. It is shameful for all involved and it can be very very unhealthy for all involved. Porn can destroy relationships and men. It did my husband in many ways even though he has now stopped.

My opinion on this is that it's not just about the porn, but that you two are incompatible on this subject. Something to take into account when thinking long term with this guy.

My experience with men is that if they are into porn, they will find a way to keep looking at it. If they liked it, they don't really ever completely "quit" looking at it. It's everywhere on the internet, whether you are really searching it out or not. It's on cable tv, movies, etc. And, making him completely stop might just make it more forbidden and enticing for him to want to see it even more. You did say you don't mind watching some porn, so my suggestion would be to watch it together. Only as often as you feel comfortable doing so. He might be more receptive if this is a compromise and not just telling him to stop looking at it altogether. He might have started this as a teen, and it will be a tough habit for him to break after so many years. And, his friends might still send him those pics, videos, etc. Not much you can do to stop his friends from sending that. And lastly, I personally would be glad it is just women in a photo and on the internet, and not a real life person that he will ever meet, a real girl that he is obsessed with. Porn is his fantasy and I guess what he likes (just my opinion). It is good that you are having honest communication about how each of you feels about it. I wish you luck on this journey and know that it could take awhile to get him to completely stop looking at it.

How about just taking sometime for yourself. It almost sounds like you feel your only options are to go back to your 2 year relationship ex or live with your 12 year realtionship ex.

I think a steady diet of porn is super unhealthy as it completely skews how people see sex in relationships, how the see themselves and all this weird shit in between. You have a distorted view of yourself because of the fake pornstars you yourself find attractive. In my mind no woman could ever compare to these women BECAUSE THEY ARE FANTASY.

Work on yourself and your self esteem, how to not feel anxious, etc, without worrying about which guy to be with.

I’m not a fan of porn myself but what you are describing about yourself seems a separate issue from porn,

Hey Angel,


Doesn't look you have a guy's point of view. I'll just go though your post. At work so it might be all over the place.


So like your ex, my girlfriend when we started dating stated she was jealous and insecure too. While I can understand the arguments you had, it takes two. If you love someone you understand and make them feel secure. It might take some extra work but in love it's worth.


Humm porn...while I can understand that being single, when he's with a beautiful lady in his life - than there isn't a need. You are totally in the right here. Your jealous is also understandable. Comparing to the fake girls is hard for anyone. Especially since you felt he wanted them instead of you. My guy view is this is an issue with him (them) not you. He's either immature, or incapable of appreciating what he has. You know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Being in love means being with the person you find most beautiful in the world. No-one in the room compares.


I've read some of your other posts and you described yourself. You are beautiful. Don't compare yourself to pornstars. They are fake. Go look online for pornstars without makeup and you'll see they are just like everyone else. Yes, one of my ex's would want to watch a porn once in a while as a couple and it was exciting. But it was about us, not the screen.


Really about your two exs, sounds like you have what my doctor said - your finder is off.


I can only tell you about me and believe most other guys are like me than your exs to try and give you some hope. I've watched porn. I had some saved off even. But when I was with the right woman, be it one I with for 10 years and engaged to, or Natasha who I was engaged to for a year, I didn't watch at all. They were each the most beautiful women in the world to me and no-one compared. I don't go to strip clubs (who wants fake). Porn couldn't compare because I was with someone I love. She was beautiful waking up in the morning or even sick. And yes, our sex life was amazing too (she..well would almost pass out and we had it all the time too)


What I'm trying to say is when you find the right person, he will make you feel cherished, secure, and beautiful all the time. You state all guys watch porn but that's not true. Sorry.


You deserve better. You do. Think why you want your ex back. Can you trust him or will be always insecure? What happens years down the road? Do you only want to go back because it's known? You also deserve someone to love you for you. Not for how you look or sex. I personally think that guys that watch porn in a relationship..there are other issues and they aren't happy but are afraid to be alone.


Hope this makes a little sense. Hopeless romantic here

Nicholas

Self esteem, feeling secure, you can’t rely on others to give you that. That has to come from inside, independent of another person. Being jealous of women in porn is not reasonable. Porn stars, models, etc are a version of an unrealistic standard. It’s lighting, make up, editing, etc. Most women know that so they don’t feel they have to live up to that. Being upset about porn because it is becoming a problem, like affecting your ability to be intimate with your partner or taking time away from your relationship, or continuing to watch it when your partner expresses a problem with it, that’s an issue. Being jealous of women in porn is another issue entirely, which is all about how you see yourself. No man can fix that, not really.

Some people say that porn addiction takes the place of real relationships. What this means is that the person gets their needs met by themselves by watching someone they don't have to interact with. Not communicate with, not be nice too, not be vulnerable with, not be open with. Its a way of being alone with a fantasy that demands nothing but perhaps one's credit card to pay for it. That is why it can put a wedge in a relationship. From what I understand, porn addiction is a coping mechanism to divide oneself from others. Not all men watch porn or even like to go to strip clubs. My very virile male partner thinks all of that is oppression of women and very sad because its not a close personal relationship where each side is giving, vulnerable, loving, respectful.

You say you are the jealous and anxious attached type. Maybe its because of who you choose to be your partner? We can not change other people. Sit with that a minute. You can demand no porn, and it sounds like he has stopped, but you can't force someone to change or fix themselves. If our partner doesn't want true intimacy and a real partnership in every way, stopping the porn won't change that. The change lies within you, within me. Fix yourself so you are happy with yourself. Talk to your counselor about how you feel therapy is not working and what goals you'd like to work on or what coping skills you feel you need. Change therapists if this person can't help you in the way you need.