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My girlfriends sexual past

foreverstudent
foreverstudent
Good morning everyone,

I need help and don't know where to go. I have been dating my girlfriend for over 5 years and am planning to ask her to marry me. Though-out our relationship we have had up's and downs like everyone but there is one common theme for most of our fights. We fight about her sexual past, or rather how I react to her telling me about her sexual past. She is the first and only girl I have slept with, she has been with many man before me. Early on in our relationship she told me a few things, I'm not sure why but I think it's because she wanted me to "accept all of her". I really don't care about her one-night stands or past relationships but the one thing she told me about is how she participated in group sex once. It was with 4 people and it simply makes me sick to my stomach. As I wrote that last sentence my stomach turned and I felt that horrible sinking feeling. I just can't get over it, I can't forget about it I don't know what to do. I know that most of you will read this and tell me I'm a judgmental horrible person and that I shouldn't even be thinking about something that happen before I even knew she existed on this planet, but the simple fact is that I can't. I want to move on and live a normal life but this thing is like a splinter in my mind, we got in a huge fight about it last night and I've never broken up before but I think the only relationship I have ever had is ending. I feel like I'm in mourning or something or like I have relative in the hospital slowly dying. She is a wonderful person who means the world to me, I don't like living like this. Is there anything I can do?
Shine14
Shine14
Can you tell us specifically what about what shes done bothers you so much? WHY? What thoughts run through your head? It it a jealousy thing?
How does it make you feel about her?
foreverstudent
foreverstudent
I can admit that its jealousy. When she tells me I'm not a man and then tells me about how much more experienced she is sexual basically I feel like a little boy and I do not like that. I feel like. I'm not some big guy and we both joke that I'm a mild mannered guy compared to her big Italian family (absolutely no offence to anyone Italians). But we all know that there is truth in every joke, if we can talk about her treating me like the grown man I am I think other issues will fizzle away. That is possibly the root of this, I'm a blue collar kind of guy, my dad was a blue collar guy and I love that about myself. She has come from a much more privileged background, mom and dad paid for her college and she went to private school all her life. I worked my ass off for my B average and not I work as an IT professional and not to be a jerk but I think for 27 years old I hold my own when working with people doing this 20 years longer than I do.

I suppose all in all I just feel disrespected at times and that's when I lash out and attack her and tell her she should be ashamed of herself. Yes I know that's wrong but we all say things we don't mean when we're heated and angry.

Thank you all by the way, this community of strangers has been more helpful than I could ever have imagined.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I mean....if a boyfriend....friend....girlfriend....anyone, told me I "should be ashamed of myself".....I can assure you that that wouldn't be coupled with "I've been with this guy for five years".

Y'all sound toxic. Or overly dramatic. Or both.
Aronia
Aronia
Now i think i see what the problem is - she made sure that you feel like you do not measure up to her standards. The sex thing is just a manifestation of a bigger problem. Nobody has the right to treat you this way. It is emotionally abusive.
I hope you break up with her. She doesnt deserve you. This is not how it should be.
AurorasHope
AurorasHope
You've had 5 years to deal with this and its still an issue. What's going to make it a non-issue? Its really your problem at this point. She can't change her past.

That said, this whole wanting a lifetime with each other? It means you love the person for who they are, past and all. And you treat each other with respect and kindness and consideration. It sounds like she needs a few lessons in that and humility.

And you? Your insecurity and jealousy isn't really working for you, is it?
SheByTheSea
SheByTheSea
Sorry, but this girl is a BITCH!

You don't EVER say anything to anyone about how inexperienced they are! And she seems to take pleasure in emasculating you by saying you're not a man. If you decide to stay with her, have a fun time being emasculated for the rest of your relationship.

Dump her. This isn't a good relationship.
dsb188
dsb188
I'm just curious as to what her sexual past has to do with your present relationship? The thing is that she is the first girl you slept with so for you its very special but you need to understand that some people experiment. I think she was trying to be upfront with you but if you can't get past it than maybe you should not marry her.

I think its one thing if she had a disease or she had a record of cheating on her lovers but if she didn't specify that than why would you be hung up on that? I'm just asking?
Aronia
Aronia
It's not about the sex. She treats him like shit. This thing that bothers him is just a symptom of an abusive situation.
Who wouldnt be insecure and jealous in this case ?She made sure that he dignity is crushed and purposely goes out of her way to re-enforce it. It is not acceptable.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe it's harder for you to get past the group sex because it's something more taboo than just sex with a boyfriend, which is a natural and common thing to do. We aren't used to people we know doing wilder things so when we hear it it's harder for our minds to accept, especially if we've been taught to think that sort do thing is wrong. It's not wrong, it's not out their weird and it's not even that uncommon. Now if she said she'd had sex with an animal.... That'd be out there! It's all in your perspective. Really what's the difference if she had sex with 19 men in her life or 3 other people at once? It's in the past, it's something she did and can't be changed. Maybe she reacted badly because she knows it bothers you and it hurts her knowing she told you this thing about herself and you can't get past it. She trusted you enough to be honest with you and now it is coming between you.
MTZ3
MTZ3
After reading you last post, I am going back to my original post, the "man up" comment really bothers me. I agree with Aronia, I think this has more to do with her not respecting you, than her sexual past. I don't like that she flaunts her sexual past in your face (5+ years after the fact). She KNOW it bothers you, It's a power play, to put you in your place (that she thinks you're beneath her-which you're NOT). This will only get worse, you'll become her doormat, if you aren't already.