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My girlfriends sexual past

foreverstudent
foreverstudent
Good morning everyone,

I need help and don't know where to go. I have been dating my girlfriend for over 5 years and am planning to ask her to marry me. Though-out our relationship we have had up's and downs like everyone but there is one common theme for most of our fights. We fight about her sexual past, or rather how I react to her telling me about her sexual past. She is the first and only girl I have slept with, she has been with many man before me. Early on in our relationship she told me a few things, I'm not sure why but I think it's because she wanted me to "accept all of her". I really don't care about her one-night stands or past relationships but the one thing she told me about is how she participated in group sex once. It was with 4 people and it simply makes me sick to my stomach. As I wrote that last sentence my stomach turned and I felt that horrible sinking feeling. I just can't get over it, I can't forget about it I don't know what to do. I know that most of you will read this and tell me I'm a judgmental horrible person and that I shouldn't even be thinking about something that happen before I even knew she existed on this planet, but the simple fact is that I can't. I want to move on and live a normal life but this thing is like a splinter in my mind, we got in a huge fight about it last night and I've never broken up before but I think the only relationship I have ever had is ending. I feel like I'm in mourning or something or like I have relative in the hospital slowly dying. She is a wonderful person who means the world to me, I don't like living like this. Is there anything I can do?
onetoomany
onetoomany
Perhaps you can seek counseling? So you can talk to someone to help you get thru this?

Personally I don't think people should tell each other about their sexual past. Not sure why she would do that.

I wish you good luck.
Aronia
Aronia
You are not a horrible person, it is just your values on this subject were different than hers before you met.
Idk what she is like, but i can tell you that i had absolutely no guidance since i was 13 years old and because of that i have done a lot of things i shouldnt have done. I dont regret any of it, but if i had to do it over, i would have not done them.
At about 23 i became enlightened about many things in life, and i have been on the right path ever since. You know your gf better than any of us here. Is she faithful to you? Does she have good moral character now?
If this subject is so troublesome to you, maybe you can go to therapy before you get married. If therapy doesnt help, maybe marrying her is not a good idea, because you cant always force yourself to accept something you feel this strongly about.
Another thing, if you are worried about the future - you just never know what's going to happen. I have some friends who have been and stable relationships, never did anything out of the ordinary and then years later went off the deep end and started breaking up marriages because something was lacking for them.
What do you think?
foreverstudent
foreverstudent
She does have a good moral compass now and is very loving. I guess one thing that maybe keeps me from letting go completely is that another thing we argue about is that she says I need to "man up" more. I grew up in a family where we didn't really fight or yell and my siblings and I are very mild mannered. So when things upset me especially at work I can admit I do not speak up for myself I just kind of let things blow over me. I admit that is something that could be connected here, it makes me mad when she tells me to grow up and be a man, its like she's saying she's more of a man than I am. And then she tells me about how much more of a sexual past than I have it really adds insult to injury. I'm sure there are some deep rooted issues here. I go to church and know the importance of forgiveness but it's just hard for me. I'm just so lost.
koolman
koolman
Good morning!

You two are NOT compatible. Don't get married. Neither one of you will be happy if you do. Find a softer, more conservative girl, who thinks you're all the man she needs, at church.
Holborn98
Holborn98
ForeverStudent,

While I won't say it as aggressively as koolman, you may be wise to do some deeper thinking on your relationship before proposing. From your second post, it sounds like the group sex thing may not be the only problem on your mind. Be sure to ask yourself whether you truly want to be with her forever or if you are just afraid that, if not her, you will be alone. Consider this carefully, as no one should feel like he/she is "settling" when getting married.
MTZ3
MTZ3
so am I understanding right, she's "still" bringing up her sexual past (versus you bringing it up)? If that is the case, I find that concerning, why is she doing that? It's almost like she's rubbing it in your face.

The man up comments, telling you to grow up and act like a man, I also find concerning (the way she puts it). I think that is pretty disrespectful. Puts a different spin on things for me. Does she expect you to man up in your relationship too (stand up to her?). If so, I don't see much good coming out of that...
foreverstudent
foreverstudent
I would say that we're both equally guilty of bringing things up. Basically the last episode was I made a comment about something unrelated but involving group sex and she said "oh and you probably think I'm a bad person because I did that". I honestly wasn't thinking that, it's been so long that I really don't think of it every day however it's been on the forefront the past day or so. Basically I know I poked the bear, but the bear goes on and on and on and I wish I never knew things. I guess I'm sad because I always thought in relationships you should be comfortable and I'm not sometimes. This also is my only serious relationship I've had so basically every thing is uncharted territory for me. But does that mean just break up and throw it all away? If I had to sit here and talk about all the fun times we've had and how great she is I could go on and on and on forever but like I said in my first post it's basically a splinter in my mind....and I don't want to throw away what could be a life long marriage over a splinter.
MTZ3
MTZ3
I guess if that is the case, and most everything else is good in your relationship, you don't feel you're walking on eggshells (a sign for myself, better to move on), then I think the you need to work harder (both of you), to not talk about her sexual past. I just don't see anything good coming from that.

I can appreciate her bringing it up in the past, to kind of give you a heads up (I'm not very experienced either, and would want to know, not the details of course). But you've been together for 5 years, this is well back in the past. If those thoughts pop in your head, do your best to push them out, distract yourself, pinch yourself, snap a rubber band on your wrist, whatever. And if she brings it up, tell her you don't want to hear about it anymore (sit down an talk to her), if she brings it up again, maybe remind give her a blank look, don't engage. I don't think her bringing it up, is helping you at all, part of what keeps it in the forefront of your mind.
MTZ3
MTZ3
FWIW, I have dated a couple guys, who used to talk about their sexual past too, well into the relationship (almost like they were bragging what a ladies man they used to be). It was such turn off to me, and at times I felt like I was walking on eggshells, nervous how they were going to cheat (the reliving of their sexual past, the good old days).
Aronia
Aronia
It almost seems like your relationship has reached a boiling point.. Maybe you could take a break from each other for a month and see how you feel being on your own?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Five years is a long time to be with someone, while still having the same ,constant fight.

If you have been having sex with her for five years, then I would think her sexual past (before you came along) is a moot point.
deleted_user
deleted_user
A marriage certificate is not going to magically make this go away, nor change how she fights with you. Chances are she may never change and always bring up her sexual past and always tell you to man up. Question is... are you prepared to marry this and live with this for the rest... of ...your... life?
Shine14
Shine14
Yes people change, and who she was when she engaged in that is not necessarily who she is now, and who she is now is what matters in your relationship. You know this. And it still doesnt matter. You are still stuck on her past.
That said, if you are incapable of moving past her prior actions, then let her go.
Theres nothing wrong with you disagreeing with things she was once capable of, not at all. You are just -different-.. neither of you is right or wrong.
But it sounds like those differences may be so severe and important to you that there is no way the relationship can work out.

If you havent gotten over it in 5 years, you arent going to. Its really that simple. Dont hold her hostage and punish her forever for something she did a long time ago.
Canaan
Canaan
My guess is that this will always be an issue if after 5 years, it is still a point of arguments. Whether "man up" or bringing up the past, it up will always be on your mind. Truth be known, I bet every time you have sex, it runs across your mind. It may be her past, but sounds like it is a point of concern for you. You can not remake yourself, nor change your thoughts with out help. I agree with maybe a break is in order, to further see how you feel. Unless both of you can just talk it out and stop bringing it up, it will continue to fester, and high probability it will grow into a major point of contention. I would feel like shit if my spouse ever told me to "man up".
foreverstudent
foreverstudent
See that's the crazy thing, when WE are having sex, that's the one time I don't think about it. If it does run across my mind I think to myself, she may have had that one time with them but she wants a lifetime with me. I do love her I know that, this wouldn't be easy if I didn't. There is this voice in me that keeps yelling "don't throw this away because of something so in the past and not of any concern". Am I stupid to think I can just control my thoughts like that? One thing I always think about is, who says I won'y have baggage and issues with another woman? I feel like every relationship comes with its' challenges. Maybe I'm naive?