Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Money problems

Lisa1964
Lisa1964

I am so very frustrated right now.  Payday was yesterday and every dime is gone.  Some background.  Been married almost 6 years.  Second marriage for both of us.  My husband hasn't worked in over 3 years; unless you count the dishwashing job he had for 3 weeks.  He has NO intention of getting a job.  He believes he's a writer and believes he's going to make it big.  I work a great job; but often I am just worn out.  I feel unappreciated and feel like I'm just here to make money for him to spend.  I told him over a month ago to please get an income we are over budget every month.  And we are short 1100 a month to meet our obligations.  Yesterday I told him we would be close on our bills and living expenses this pay day.  Then last night he tells me he's going to visit his daughter.  5 hours away.  Now we're not just out of money but overdrawn.  There's no sense in even talking to him about it.  I'll just be painted as the one with the problem.  I know I need to figure out a way to discuss my hurt over this with him.  But im really afraid he will just get angry and accuse me of being demanding and unreasonable.  Please help

jeffneedshelp
jeffneedshelp
Time to leave? That’s what I’d do if I didn’t have a supportive house and no kids to parent.
lb7268
lb7268
Find an attorney if you don’t have one.
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
Better to be a financial doormat, be broke and overdrawn than to be considered "demanding and unreasonable", right?

When it comes to household finances, I am a BITCH. But our bills are paid on time, I save a couple hundred dollars per month, and still have budgeted "fun money" for travel etc.

If you are the primary wage earner, open a new bank account in your name only, have your paycheck direct deposited, create a workable budget, pay the bills and if there is money remaining, give your husband a stipend he can spend as he wishes.
C
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
Hold on there, really. Who does he think he is "Karl Marx" Check him out and see what he did. He can go and live with his daughter. You need to get a handle of those debt. They will ruin your credit rating big time. Set up a separate bank account for your paycheques and tell him that he needs to work for what he wants. I would not even give him a dime. You cannot continue the way you are. You have to be strong and resourceful. I would get a financial advisor/therapist/lawyer lined up. You will need them badly. hugs
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
Also, if credit cards are involved, close the accounts.
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I remember you had a problem with him last Christmas where he ruined the holiday, threw the gifts you gave him in the trash, and had a big fit of anger.
I was just wondering if he is still having these anger issues as well?

Him having Aspergers is no excuse. I know someone happily married to someone with Aspergers and this man works 50 hours a week, too.

It IS time that you stand up for yourself! He is not contributing to the household, and it is not fair that you have to do everything. You have received some great replies on here already. Don't feel like you "have" to stay with this man. You deserve better and besides that, you're going broke!!
justjackie28
justjackie28
I was in that situation.... my kids father /husband refused to work minimum wage and so he would find a job but quit if it wasn’t ideal for him...I worked every minimum job I could just to try and make it..... we ended up divorced.... he just wasnt working wi h me to build a life..... as soon as I was alone my life finally getting better.... he isn’t think about what is best for you ....or what is best for you as a couple.... he’s being immature and selfish....I’m sorry but he’s not going to change unless he knows you’re serious about leaving him
rmb
rmb
Instead of being hurt, try a little anger. Just stop doing it all. If he accuses you of being demanding, say if being financially responsible and wanting your partner to contribute is being demanding, then yes you are demanding. I mean, you have to be the one to change here because I don’t think he really is interested in changing.

Sorry you are in this boat. But you have start looking out for yourself here.
koolman
koolman
Geez--cheaper to hire a lawyer and divorce him, kick him out of YOUR house, change the locks, install an ADT security system, change the bank account and credit card #s and passwords. The guy brings nothing positive or supportive to this so-called marriage. He needs to be gone. Why are you with him? Do you LIKE the drama?
reaThua9
reaThua9
Hi there, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, you sound really drained and understandably so. It sounds like you two are in love but the practical/"life" side of your relationship is way out of balance.

Have you ever considered therapy? A couple's counselor could help you guys get on the same page or at least in the right direction.

Either way, you're not being demanding and unreasonable, you're being responsible and concerned. Try to hold onto that and don't let yourself get emotionally beaten down. You sound like a sweet person and I really hope you and your husband can work this out.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Lisa...… I have to agree with the others.... The reason that he can spend 3 years dreaming of being a big writer is because you support what he's doing

I would be done as well...…

It's great that he has a goal however bills have to be paid and goals have a due date...... I also thinking he's treating you like a financial doormat

I'm not trying to be hurtful but this is no good you're being taken advantage of

It sounds like from what you've written in the last sentence like he uses anger to control you

I would see a lawyer or go on strike!!
urbangardener
urbangardener
It is interesting that the person demanding change is called the problem person by the problem person. He is bullying you it sounds like. Does he feel like he is the victim of YOU and your "unreasonableness"? This is a huge red flag that he is doing exactly what he wants. He would rather manipulate you than be a true partner, working with you towards the same goals. Does he do any housework, yard work, laundry, cooking, etc.? Is he grateful? Does he spend as little money as possible so as to be able to not work and write full time? Or does he spend like a drunken sailor on shore leave and run up the bills?

You feel like you have to change to get him to change, i.e., find a way to talk to him in a rational way so he becomes rational. Not going to happen, dear one. What if you do have to change, but the change is within your own thinking of this situation and your willingness to be taken advantage of and made to be the scapegoat. I am sorry, my first was like this and he felt he was always the victim, never wrong.
soccergirl17
soccergirl17
It is okay to have dreams, but life goes on; bills have to be paid and food needs to be put into our systems. My dream is to become an Ultrasound Tech; in order to accomplish that goal, I had to move four hours away from my hometown to attend the only university in my state that offered this degree. My boyfriend of 6 years agreed to move with me to pursue my dream. Even though I'm pursuing my dream, I still work and pay bills at home. The job I have has nothing to do with my dream career, but bills still need to be paid. My boyfriend is also pursuing his dream of becoming an electrician and is also working a job that has nothing to do with his career. But like I said, bills still need to be paid. Sounds like he is very co-dependent and that needs to end.
krr
krr
It's great to have goals but unless actions are done to achieve those goals they will stay standstill. I would be done with him as well--paying the bills alone isn't something you should have to go through.
CNichole78
CNichole78
Lisa1964...I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry, but your husband is acting like a selfish jerk. What makes him think he can sit around and not contribute financially when you're working hard to support the two of you? That's not right. Opening your own account is a great start. If he doesn't have access to all your money, then he just might be forced to find a job. This day and age is takes two incomes to even survive let alone be able to do extra things. Everyone seems to have some great advice so far. This is a tough one.
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