Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Maturity in relationships

Candyx
Candyx
My partner and I have been together nearly five years, it has been prevalent as time has gone on that I have matured past him. I am now in a stage of life where I have gone off going out till 4am, getting wasted, being irresponsible etc. I am now ready to commit to someone, build a home, invest in my career and work towards marriage and a baby in the not so distant future.

My partner says he wants the same things however he consistently shows signs that this is not really how he feels, for example I am now saving for a future where as he continues to throw money down the toilet on nights out and gambling (an issue we are dealing with separately to this). He is incapable of just going for a drink with friends and he even gets wasted at works dos.

I have confronted him with this and told him I feel that perhaps we have grown apart but he insists he wants the same things and is working towards this. I guess my question is is this a deal breaker? Should I just accept he is less mature and submit to being "the sensible one" (which I would not say I am)? Is he likely to catch me up? Or is he holding me back?

Any opinions or experiences would be welcomed! Thanks in advance x
11Christmases
11Christmases
I think the gambling and drinking are red flags. From my personal experience, these issues will not improve after marriage, and will get markedly worse if/when you have kids. Suddenly, he'll be expected to act like an adult (a dad) and he will act out against that. If I could go back to where you are, knowing what I know now, these would be deal breakers for me. You, on the other hand, seem mature to be questioning whether this is right for you.
koolman
koolman
It's good that he's trying, is making concerted positive effort and making progress, albeit slow progress. The question for you is is his progress fast enough, and given the right temptation, would he relapse, fall back into his old, bad habits?
Candyx
Candyx
We are late 20s. Its hard to know if I am expecting to much, just because I have moved on from it. But I do want to be with someone who is at least moving in the same direction as me, and certainly wouldn't commit to him on promises which could turn out to be false. But at the same time I don't want to give him an ultimatum. Whenever I try to talk to him about this he hears "change or I will leave" but actually I just want him to be true to himself.
gustokitty
gustokitty
I wouldn't want to feel like a mom to my husband either! You want to have kids, not be married to one. That being said, you are not married, or even engaged or living together, correct? So that behavior is his.

I just read a page in a book last night called the mastery of love.
IT basically said, if you want a dog, don't get a cat, and if you want a cat, don't get a horse. The horse, dog or cat are taking care of their half of the relationship, they are being a dog, horse or cat. Your side is being who you are and deciding which on of these you want in your life.

I thought it was an interesting take on it.
Candyx
Candyx
We are in our late 20s. We actually had an argument about this last night. He made a comment about going seeing a friend and to "not expect him back early or sober". I expressed concern that this did not seem like a mature comment and he is basically now saying "that's what me and my friends do" and calling me boring. His view is that he is having his fun now before he has commitments, but my concern is he still enjoys doing it so why would this change just because he is married or has a child?

If thinks me wanting to settle and have a quite life with security is boring, it's not like he is out all the time but for me I am ready for the next steps now. He says he is but yet has done no preparing for it?! It is very confusing.
Candyx
Candyx
Sorry Gusto I just read your most recent post, that is a really interesting analogy! Yes we do live together. I think that he is a dog, but likes to try to convince me he is a cat. If he stops trying to be a cat and just admits hes a dog then that would make this easier I think .... that said whenever I do try to break up with him he throws his toys out the pram. Why if he is a dog would he want to be with someone who wants a cat?!