Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Maturity in relationships

Candyx
Candyx
My partner and I have been together nearly five years, it has been prevalent as time has gone on that I have matured past him. I am now in a stage of life where I have gone off going out till 4am, getting wasted, being irresponsible etc. I am now ready to commit to someone, build a home, invest in my career and work towards marriage and a baby in the not so distant future.

My partner says he wants the same things however he consistently shows signs that this is not really how he feels, for example I am now saving for a future where as he continues to throw money down the toilet on nights out and gambling (an issue we are dealing with separately to this). He is incapable of just going for a drink with friends and he even gets wasted at works dos.

I have confronted him with this and told him I feel that perhaps we have grown apart but he insists he wants the same things and is working towards this. I guess my question is is this a deal breaker? Should I just accept he is less mature and submit to being "the sensible one" (which I would not say I am)? Is he likely to catch me up? Or is he holding me back?

Any opinions or experiences would be welcomed! Thanks in advance x
jaymee4647
jaymee4647
Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.
Autumnal
Autumnal
I find this kinda stuff comes up a lot. Men are generally immature.
onetoomany
onetoomany
It sounds to me like he may be an alcoholic.
He needs to get some help for this issue.
Canaan
Canaan
I agree with OTM, the drinking alone, not to leave out a gambling problem, can wreck lives. He needs some serious help and until some success is seen, I personally would put any future plans on hold. You will be promised the world until another chance to sneak into his world. Good Luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
A piece of paper ( marriage certificate or mortgage papers) will not make him mature. Only he can do that.
If this is an issue now it will be an issue down the road. Can pretty much guarantee it.
Only people with character will keep their word.
Lenoire
Lenoire
I have to agree with the posters, it sounds like he may have a drinking problem and is experiencing adolescent separation anxiety, and relives it through his drinking binges.

If he wants the same as you, then he needs to prove it, talk is cheap, and if he's going to walk the talk, he best be getting his joggers on, because it'll be a long mile before he can drop the adolescent nonsense.

If I were in your shoes, I'd have to see a change in behaviour for at least a year, before I'd feel safe enough to commit to a future with him.

Men are great at talking, it's the walking part they have trouble with, so don't be fooled by flowers and trinkets, you want to see some mileage on those joggers honey.

I wish you well.
koolman
koolman
You know the saying "Money talks, bullshit walks"? He's bullshitting you. Meanwhile, his meager, dwindled down to nothing bank account is speaking VOLUMES. Unless he makes a concerted effort to change...he ain't gonna change. Wanting things and actually making forward progress, saving money, toward those things are two different concepts. Yes, he's holding you back, tying you down, a rock to a balloon. Get. Out. Now. Fly free, balloon!
foundlove
foundlove
I think that is deal breaker for me personally but only you can decide whether you want to deal with this, and stick it out. I feel that gambling alone or alcoholism alone would be enough to not want to stick around, and he has both problems. In my experience, people usually don't change unless there is significant life changing event happens like you leave him, or he loses his job or something. Addicted people don't get help unless they want to for some reason, and they don't usually change if you want them to so much to keep in mind with your decision... best of luck!
Aronia
Aronia
How old are you both?
jbuck
jbuck
Agree with the comments on a marriage certificate not changing him. When he stops doing those things, that's when he's changed...any promises or words will fall short of consistent action.
gustokitty
gustokitty
may i ask how old you are? i had a situation like that when i was 30 and engaged. we made a pact, which i held up and he didn't. For me it was a deal breaker. if i had been 20's i'd still been partying right along with him.
gustokitty
gustokitty
but don't get me wrong! I was still financially responsible in my 20's!
Candyx
Candyx
Thank you all for your very honest and insightful comments.
I seem to have given the impression that he has an alcohol issue; I do not feel this is the case. He is not alcohol dependant it is just that when he is drinking he is very immature about it.
I have seen some efforts towards positive change, he has attended couples counselling with me, is planning to attend therapy for his gambling after that, although he is in his overdraft he has not actually ran out of money for over a year which used to happen consistently, and he is now controlling his emotions more maturely (at times).
I guess he is trying, but the issue is its a slow process and I am concerned, as was mentioned by, canaan, that at the first opportunity he will return to his previous world and way of being. It hurts that I know he is trying very hard, but my anxiety about the risk of it not being permanent or enough are high.
I can live with us being different; I think its often the case that there may be a more mature person in the relationship at times. So if from time to time he blows a bit of money or gets drunk I can love with that. I think the main issue is the trust.
gustokitty
gustokitty
Do you trust him?
Candyx
Candyx
I trust that he is trying, but I don't trust his judgment. I think he has always looked for quick fixes, and often in the short term a lie is easier than the truth. The gambling has obviously come with it's share of deceits too. The couples counsellor we have been seeing has suggested that I will never find the answer to this unless I actually take the risk and give him the chance to prove himself trust worthy or not, to see if he has actually changed.

I think the reason I have trust issue with him is largely due to his adolescent behaviour, I have became the cautious over bearing Mother and I hate that!