Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Good Morning --
Let me start off by saying that I am trying to quit drinking. I had gone 12 days but last night I caved and I drank too much. When I drink too much I get
obnoxious so in addition to my wife being mad that I drank we had a fight last night.
This morning my wife was mad at me of course, but I pointed out it would be much easier for me to not drink if she didn't drink either but her response was
not very supportive, although I can't say that, if the roles were reversed, I would have been very supportive for her this morning either.
However, that does bring me to another topic, which is related to my wife's health and sleeping patterns. My wife has always been an early riser but
recently she's been falling asleep early (like 8pm) on the couch. This, in turn, leads to her waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning, staying awake for a few
hours and then coming back to sleep. She'll then still get up around 7am but sometime during the day she'll take a nap.
I've suggested that part of the reason she falls asleep early is because of the wine she drinks with dinner. I've also suggested that she take a magneseum
supplement - I bought some to take myself because I read that it can help repair damage done by alcohol but a magneseum definciancy can also effect your
sleep parttern. I've also suggested that she stop drinking - if only for two weeks and start taking melotonin before bed and also not take naps and work to
stay away until 10 or 11pm and once she wakes up, stay up. I'd like her to have a more regular sleep pattern because her being up and down from bed disrupts
my own sleep and so I wake up tired or don't want to get out of bed, etc. In addition, she sometimes snores - some nights worse than others. I think the
alcohol may play a part in her snoring as well.
Anyway, when I've tried to discuss these things with her she is dismissive, even when I try to nicely point out that her sleep patterns effect me
negatively.
Not that any of this is related to my drinking but of course if I could get her to stop drinking as a trial run to change her sleep habits it would be a lot
easier for me to not drink and maybe she would get into a sleep cycle more inline with my own. I would even go to bed at 10pm and get up at 7am if that's
what she did and we both got a good nights sleep.
So I know the last part of this post is sort of a rant unrelated to my drinking but it is something that frustrates me and something that came up last night
because I was drunk and obnoxious. But even sober and not obnoxious I stand by my desire to help her regulate her sleep schedule because I think it would be
better for her health as well as my own.
Finally, my wife is over weight. She has an injured knee and she has been going to aqua yoga and regular yoga classes but she isn't doing any aerobic type
exercises to loose weight. We have a stationary bike in our house and I've suggested when she wakes up in the middle of the night she could ride the bike
which could, in theory, make her tired and want to go back to sleep sooner. She also has a "healthy" appetite. Last night, for example, we had a very nice
dinner that she cooked and there was enough food for 4 people. I served enough for each of us and she wanted more. I tried to remind her that we wanted to
eat less, eat healthier and loose weight. She agreed initially but when she went to put stuff away in the kitchen I heard her eating more.
I am concerned about her weight and her sleep because of the long term effects on her health. Her father had Alzheimers and she is scared of getting it too
and I've read that excess body weight can be a contributing factor. I also believe that her cholesterol is high but I'm not 100% sure about that.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this with their spouse and if so, were you able to do anything to get them to e at healthier and exercise?
Thanks
Rich
Let me start off by saying that I am trying to quit drinking. I had gone 12 days but last night I caved and I drank too much. When I drink too much I get
obnoxious so in addition to my wife being mad that I drank we had a fight last night.
This morning my wife was mad at me of course, but I pointed out it would be much easier for me to not drink if she didn't drink either but her response was
not very supportive, although I can't say that, if the roles were reversed, I would have been very supportive for her this morning either.
However, that does bring me to another topic, which is related to my wife's health and sleeping patterns. My wife has always been an early riser but
recently she's been falling asleep early (like 8pm) on the couch. This, in turn, leads to her waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning, staying awake for a few
hours and then coming back to sleep. She'll then still get up around 7am but sometime during the day she'll take a nap.
I've suggested that part of the reason she falls asleep early is because of the wine she drinks with dinner. I've also suggested that she take a magneseum
supplement - I bought some to take myself because I read that it can help repair damage done by alcohol but a magneseum definciancy can also effect your
sleep parttern. I've also suggested that she stop drinking - if only for two weeks and start taking melotonin before bed and also not take naps and work to
stay away until 10 or 11pm and once she wakes up, stay up. I'd like her to have a more regular sleep pattern because her being up and down from bed disrupts
my own sleep and so I wake up tired or don't want to get out of bed, etc. In addition, she sometimes snores - some nights worse than others. I think the
alcohol may play a part in her snoring as well.
Anyway, when I've tried to discuss these things with her she is dismissive, even when I try to nicely point out that her sleep patterns effect me
negatively.
Not that any of this is related to my drinking but of course if I could get her to stop drinking as a trial run to change her sleep habits it would be a lot
easier for me to not drink and maybe she would get into a sleep cycle more inline with my own. I would even go to bed at 10pm and get up at 7am if that's
what she did and we both got a good nights sleep.
So I know the last part of this post is sort of a rant unrelated to my drinking but it is something that frustrates me and something that came up last night
because I was drunk and obnoxious. But even sober and not obnoxious I stand by my desire to help her regulate her sleep schedule because I think it would be
better for her health as well as my own.
Finally, my wife is over weight. She has an injured knee and she has been going to aqua yoga and regular yoga classes but she isn't doing any aerobic type
exercises to loose weight. We have a stationary bike in our house and I've suggested when she wakes up in the middle of the night she could ride the bike
which could, in theory, make her tired and want to go back to sleep sooner. She also has a "healthy" appetite. Last night, for example, we had a very nice
dinner that she cooked and there was enough food for 4 people. I served enough for each of us and she wanted more. I tried to remind her that we wanted to
eat less, eat healthier and loose weight. She agreed initially but when she went to put stuff away in the kitchen I heard her eating more.
I am concerned about her weight and her sleep because of the long term effects on her health. Her father had Alzheimers and she is scared of getting it too
and I've read that excess body weight can be a contributing factor. I also believe that her cholesterol is high but I'm not 100% sure about that.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this with their spouse and if so, were you able to do anything to get them to e at healthier and exercise?
Thanks
Rich
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I am so sorry to hear that you are having bad times in the marriage...
I truly wish you all the best and I hope you will be able to strengthen your relationship.
I m going to be very blunt, I suppose... From what you are saying it looks like you both have an alcohol addiction problem. From what I know, people drink due to some serious problems which have not been addressed.
If your wife drinks, I strongly discourage you from recommending any supplements to her because unless you are a treating MD, you have no idea what it is going to do to her body. Magnesium is not a harmless supplement.
She needs to go see a doctor and take control of her physical and mental health, and so do you. This is what's going to improve your marriage - both of you working on the hurt, the anxiety, the depression and quitting the alcohol. Completely quitting as none none and never.
I wish you all the best and hope you can work through this.
I have encouraged my wife to go to therapy and although she says she is open to it she hasn't actually gone.
I am in therapy for my mental health and my physical health - minus the drinking - is good as well.
I am concerned about her health but when I express my concerns and give her some ideas about things to do she seems to react as though I'm being mean or nagging her. How do I get her to understand I am genuinely concerned about her?
Rich
The advice you're giving her is stuff she already knows deep down. She just needs to get there on her own. No one wants to hear what they already know. I'm sure with your drinking, you had to make the choice yourself to make changes. No one could force you to do that. It's the same with your wife. If everything were easy to fix with a "why don't try this, or why don't you try that," everyone would be healthy and whole.
One thing I will say is that depending on her age, she may be going through hormonal changes and that can completely turn sleep on its head. I have always been a horrible sleeper and it has gotten worse as I've started to go through hormonal changes. And it's a wrong assumption that her exercising at 3:00 am will make her tired so she'll sleep. I've tried that when I've had insomnia and all it does it make me more energized. A medical doctor could help her get to the bottom of things.
Eating and food can be really sensitive area of discussion for some people. And they can be like a drug for some people. They can be used to self medicate, just like drinking and drugs. The difference is that people don't need alcohol and drugs to survive. But you do need to eat to survive. And so sometimes re-learning how to eat so you don't overeat or use food as a means of comfort is an extremely difficult thing to do and sometimes requires intervention with a professional to figure out what's really going on.
As luck would have it, Thursdays are the day when I see my therapist and so I talked to him about a lot of these things and he echoed when many of you are saying - basically I have to let my wife decide on her own to change her eating/drinking/sleeping habits.
He did say that if I discussed with her that her sleep habits are having a negative effect on me that perhaps she would be more willing to do something about that out of concern for me. On the other hand, we do have a guest room so that is an option as well. My parents eventually slept in separate rooms because my Dad started to snore loudly when he got older.
Rich
I'm glad you spoke to your therapist about it. My husband is a very loud snorer, and so between him snoring all night long and me sleeping so light, I really struggle. Last night, I probably got about 4 hours total sleep. We had a storm roll through at midnight which woke me up and then my husband snoring kept me up. I ended up just leaving and headed to the couch. But I couldn't fall back to sleep, so it was me and the dog watching The Waterboy at 3:30am this morning. We have a guest room too that I someone times will end up in as well. So for me, I start out in bed with my husband but almost every night I end up getting up and trying to finish my sleep somewhere else. Fortunately I still function pretty well with little sleep but not as well as I used to when I was younger.
Anyway, good luck with talking to her about the sleep stuff. Maybe that will be an easy thing she can address. Part of the reason I don't make my husband go in another room is because I'm pretty easy going about the whole thing and since he's out cold anyway, I might as well move. In the morning, on work days, we have coffee together back in our bed so at least it feels like we maybe spent a whole night together, ha ha!
There are some good episodes of the show Intervention on Youtube that address alcoholism... It's a wonderful show and I agree with Aronia that there is always underlying problems
My ex used to snore terribly and I had to get up and move into another bed a lot of the time or I'd never sleep... The CPAP machines seem to work pretty well however I also agree that she will have to come to her own decisions about her life... Big hug... It sounds like you're trying really hard to make positive changes...Kudos to you for that....xo
I too am glad you talked to your therapist about what's going on. I've messaged you about some of this, so I won't write much here but I do hope you will be able to talk to your wife about the sleeping issues atleast. Not sure if this would help or not, but one simple thing you could try is buying some ' Breathe Rights' for her to try. My husband snores some ( not every night ) and when he wears a breathe right strip it really does help a lot. Also, not sure if your wife sleeps on her back or not, but if my husband is snoring I can ' gently' nudge him and he will turn on his side and that helps.
As far as the other things regarding drinking and her weight, try to support her with exercising and maybe offer to exercise WITH her? Take some nice walks with the dog ( I know that helps you in the morning ) . I do wish she would stop drinking for a trial period , but I know you don't think she has a problem with alcohol and it's everyone's individual choice to decide if they need help or not. Like you said, the guest room is an alternative if your sleep continues to be disrupted every night, but I hope she will try to make some changes to help the situation and improve her health.
Best wishes~
LMT
Maybe both of you cut out the wine after 6pm, if both of you want to get a good night's sleep?
You can't fix her eating/sleeping/weight problems any more than she can fix your alcohol problem.
Sleep deprivation causes mental health disorders resembling depression and sometimes psychosis.
It causes weakness due to which the patient is unable to exercise because they function in constant state of fatigue and drowsiness. Mental health issues are only one problem with sleep apnea. It also has profound effect on the cardiac system. Sleep deprivation hits the adrenal system, which is responsible for regulating cortisol levels and other hormones. Patients with hypothyroidism often suffer from adrenal fatigue. This makes someone inefficiently metabolize food and gain/retain weight.
Many sleep apnea patients are vitamin D deficient and while there is no solid link between vitamin D and depression, in my observation , sleep apnea patients reported improved cognition, energy levels and mood after correcting their levels from severe low to normal even prior to starting the CPAP.
She has to go see a doctor. Make an appointment for her and take her.
I agree with what all the others have said here.
I applaud you for getting your drinking in line, I too had drinking issues and have since quit completely. It was a hard struggle.
I wish you and your wife all the best.
I think it would be a really good idea for your wife to see a doctor and get his/her advice going forward with the issues with her sleeping, etc.
I wish you both the very best .
LMT