Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have hit a wall of depression today. My boyfriend started his new job and I haven't heard a thing from him all day (I'm assuming he is so busy), that doesn't bother me as much as the paralyzing fear that he is going to be meeting new, hot girls and will want to go to bars after work with his new buddies since he is working in the heart of the city. He will be so smitten with his new life that he will completely forget about me. I do not have friends or family to lean on through this, because they seem generally disinterested and don't really care. I'm terrified that he won't call me tonight, and he'll slowly drift away. I am so scared for the lack of communication. This past week we were wonderful, he told me how lucky he felt to have a great girl like me. I just had this feeling that the second he hit this new job (he started today) and began working with single guys and had access to bars next door, he will no longer be interested in spending time with me, and he will want no attachments to a girlfriend.
Of course, one of his good friends thinks that this will be better for us, and make him a happier person and therefore our relationship better. But my boyfriend has always had a selfish tendency, and I'm terrified and heartbroken at the thought of him wanting to lead the single life with his work buddies and slowly phasing me out, and not being man enough to give me a sit down conversation and end things clearly. My biggest fear is a SLOW death of our relationship, as opposed to him communicating clearly.
He is not a good communicator and if I bring these thoughts up, it will push him away and add stress to his new transition. I am terrified to think about him not wanting to speak to me at the end of the day, let alone deal with me in general, and the thought of him going out with his friends from work and flirting with other girls makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know what to do from here. I love him so much but even as I write this, I'm crying.
Of course, one of his good friends thinks that this will be better for us, and make him a happier person and therefore our relationship better. But my boyfriend has always had a selfish tendency, and I'm terrified and heartbroken at the thought of him wanting to lead the single life with his work buddies and slowly phasing me out, and not being man enough to give me a sit down conversation and end things clearly. My biggest fear is a SLOW death of our relationship, as opposed to him communicating clearly.
He is not a good communicator and if I bring these thoughts up, it will push him away and add stress to his new transition. I am terrified to think about him not wanting to speak to me at the end of the day, let alone deal with me in general, and the thought of him going out with his friends from work and flirting with other girls makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know what to do from here. I love him so much but even as I write this, I'm crying.
But, the fact is, you are making this into something it isn't.
Sure, it sucks when someone cheats on us but, the fact is, life does go on. Who the heck would want to be with someone who cheats on them or who we are so obsessed with the idea they are going to cheat?
My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. I've never once...not one single time, worried about this. First, I am pretty confident in our relationship and do not think he will. And, second, but most importantly, if it happens, it happens. I'll deal with it them. But worrying all the time over every "what if" in a relationship will drive me nuts and, well, I am okay with not driving myself insane.
You are making yourself crazy. Slow down. If he pulls away, he pulls away and nothing you can say, do, or freak over, will change that. I truly think our partners can "feel" our insecurities and they in turn, react to our cues...if he's intimidated by the vibe he's getting (with you being so worked up), maybe he is taking a step back because it's too much for him right now dealing with a brand new career and all.
Allow him some space and time to get settled into his new career. Assuming your relationship means something to him, he will keep in contact. If not, you'll have your answer. Either way, the ball is in his court and worrying will not change matters.
You are worth more than this worry you are giving yourself. It WILL all be okay regardless of what happens, I promise.
~Michelle
Are you talking to anyone about your feelings? Cognitive behavioral therapy has done wonders for me, so I'm a huge advocate for CBT to treat anxiety. There are so many great therapies available now a days, mindfulness, meditation, hypnosis, DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), ACT(Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), biofeedback, etc., etc. etc., the list goes on. Also, you may have already seen this, but there is a group on Daily Strength for anxiety and many of the members are great at giving advice if you ever need it.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Anxiety/support-group
With all that being said, I think your focus should be on YOU now, not your boyfriend. Get yourself to where you need to be in life and the rest will fall into place.
If you dwell on your fears and insecurities, you will make yourself nuts and your neediness will drive him away. We attract what we fear. We attract what our thoughts dwell upon. Do whatever you need to do to feel happy. Your happiness will attract other happy people.
Here's a smile for you:
Why did the leopard leave her husband?
Answer: He was a cheetah.