Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have hit a wall of depression today. My boyfriend started his new job and I haven't heard a thing from him all day (I'm assuming he is so busy), that doesn't bother me as much as the paralyzing fear that he is going to be meeting new, hot girls and will want to go to bars after work with his new buddies since he is working in the heart of the city. He will be so smitten with his new life that he will completely forget about me. I do not have friends or family to lean on through this, because they seem generally disinterested and don't really care. I'm terrified that he won't call me tonight, and he'll slowly drift away. I am so scared for the lack of communication. This past week we were wonderful, he told me how lucky he felt to have a great girl like me. I just had this feeling that the second he hit this new job (he started today) and began working with single guys and had access to bars next door, he will no longer be interested in spending time with me, and he will want no attachments to a girlfriend.
Of course, one of his good friends thinks that this will be better for us, and make him a happier person and therefore our relationship better. But my boyfriend has always had a selfish tendency, and I'm terrified and heartbroken at the thought of him wanting to lead the single life with his work buddies and slowly phasing me out, and not being man enough to give me a sit down conversation and end things clearly. My biggest fear is a SLOW death of our relationship, as opposed to him communicating clearly.
He is not a good communicator and if I bring these thoughts up, it will push him away and add stress to his new transition. I am terrified to think about him not wanting to speak to me at the end of the day, let alone deal with me in general, and the thought of him going out with his friends from work and flirting with other girls makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know what to do from here. I love him so much but even as I write this, I'm crying.
Of course, one of his good friends thinks that this will be better for us, and make him a happier person and therefore our relationship better. But my boyfriend has always had a selfish tendency, and I'm terrified and heartbroken at the thought of him wanting to lead the single life with his work buddies and slowly phasing me out, and not being man enough to give me a sit down conversation and end things clearly. My biggest fear is a SLOW death of our relationship, as opposed to him communicating clearly.
He is not a good communicator and if I bring these thoughts up, it will push him away and add stress to his new transition. I am terrified to think about him not wanting to speak to me at the end of the day, let alone deal with me in general, and the thought of him going out with his friends from work and flirting with other girls makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know what to do from here. I love him so much but even as I write this, I'm crying.
Well first, I wouldn't freak over something that hasn't even happened. Worry accomplishes nothing. For all you know, this will be a great thing and he'll be happier in the relationship because he's happier at work! That's just as viable an option as what you are worried over, no?
IF this even happens, you'll have to deal with it then. But, worrying over something that may not even happen will send vibes to him that will likely start jeopardizing your communication. Your worry turns into accusations which turns into arguments which...you can probably figure that out.
Ask him about his day but don't get crazy jealous girlfriend on him...that will NOT work. And don't bring up these fears, IMHO. I think they are most irrational (unless there's something in the relationship you didn't bring up). He's probably stressed enough to be starting a new job...don't bring this to him unless you actually have a legitimate concern.
Get out of your head...basically.
~Michelle
If you are this afraid, then you need to ask yourself why. If he has cheated in past relationships, and it has breached your trust, then you will worry all the time. In my experience, a cheater cheats. Anyone who feels that there is something special about them that will change a cheater, is hoping against hope. I believe, past infidelities are just cause to not trust. The question is, do you want to feel like this forever? If you don't trust......this is how you will continue to feel.
If he hasn't cheated, then you are worry about the future and not living in the present. Make some aquientences. I know it's hard. It's hard for me, too. Do you want to feel alone?
If not, do activities that bring meaning to your life. Volunteer somewhere. Why have him bee your everything. You be your everything, then let him add to it.
I know just how you feel because I've had those same thoughts in relationships. Can I ask you something honestly? How do you feel about yourself? Do you feel confident and self-assured? Do you love you?
Sometimes the root of these problems falls on ourselves instead of the outside forces around us. It's easy to blame a fear on a person, or on a past negative experience, but what does that truly solve? True strength comes from a love of oneself. Once you love you, honestly and fully...no man will ever be able to make you feel insecure or undeserving...it is then that the worries will ease away.
Stay strong! Keep hope and just remember you're important in your own way.
-Amethyst
I'm sorry, but as I see it that's what it comes down to.
I say move on. Either you need to work on yourself or he's not that into you as he doesn't make you feel like you're one of his main priorities. That is, you're only an option.