Is it done?

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years now.  This past year and a half, a lot has happened.  The main issue: we were both diagnosed with hypothyroidism.  Before knowing what was happening to ourselves, the dark depression and anxiety has almost ripped up apart.  We've always been close and we still have no fear when talking to each other.  We want to be happy, and if that's not with each other, we'll understand.  

I've always given him everything, and I know that's not his fault, but I have given too much of myself.  I've said yes to him, not thinking about what I really want.  I give everything and anything to make him happy, willinging and happily.  If he's happy, it makes my day.  I know that's a form of codependence. It's worked for us thus far, but as the years have gone by, I've slowly started to resent him for not having or giving myself time, etc.

The hypothyroism has affected us both greatly. It caused us to doubt each other, but it also let us look at ourselves and each other in a different light.  This past year, my husband went on a true soul-searching journey that led to find himself and what he wants/enjoys of this life.  He's different... as I know I am after he's taught me what he learned.  Our beliefs have drastically changed, our basis on how we life live has changed.  But now, he's not the same man I've been attracted to and I don't mean physically. I was attracted to his bold, brass, confidence, his can-do attitude and F**k anyone who tries to tell him otherwise; he was cocky.  Now, he's still got that in there somewhere, but it comes out as anger now. And not the hot anger either...  I realize that I miss him.  The "him" I fell in love with.  I know people change and I believe that love changes into different forms as well, but each of us has changed, but I don't think my love for him has.  

I love my husband; he's always been my best friend.  But now, its like the "best friend" part is gone.  Now, he annoys me more than I want to tolerate.  I feel like I can't ever get away; like I'm being suffocated.  And honestly, he probably feels my distance and is trying to close the gab, but it's smothering.  I work from home and he's retired, so we're physically around each other ALL THE TIME.  Also, I won't go do things by myself.  For example, I want to go swimming, but he doesn't, well o well.  I'll just be sad about it.  I like to sit at coffee shops, otherwise I don't want coffee.  We're out together and he'll never stop for me, there's always another reason not to that actually makes a lot of sense (we're running late, etc).  I'm giving myself some slack at the moment for not doing things by myself (I have no excuse for the past 9 years) because we've moved from Texas to Oregon.  No family, no friends this way.  I actually make friends pretty easy on the outside, even though on the inside I'm nervous about it.  Do I need to just get away and get out; make friends and meet new people?  Or has all these changes, coupled with hatred and resentment made where this will just be excruciating for us both.

I want a different life. I don't know what, but I'm bored with the same ol same ol. I know it's normal to miss single life, because honeslty I never got that.  My husband and I got married as soon as I turned 18.  So are we just different people and that passion, fire, drive for each other just gone?  How do we bring that back?  Is this a normal marriage slump?

Overeating

I recently put 2&2 together with my want for compassion and companionship with my overeating. I was always the kid to eat a bit more dessert form time to time, but was always a good wieght. I went through the usual teenage got-to-be-smaller thing and just healthily ate a little less and lost some of my pudge.  Then, after 5 years, my husband and I got into bodybuilding.  I fell in love with it!  How it taught me about the control you have over your body just amazes me still!  But, I took it a little too far, obsessing and going overboard.  I stayed at 11% body fat for far to long for a woman and I believe this is what led me to my hypothyroidism diagnoses.  I began having problems with foods, not able to each them without reactions.  I thought I was restricting myself while bodybuilding, boy was I wrong.  I eventually only had about 10 items that I could eat.  I began overeating on them, because I always felt like I was starving.  I knew it was because my hormones were out-of-whack, but knowing and dealing with it were 2 different things.

My hormones are now pretty spot on and I'm feeling 100 million times better, but at night, I'll eat the pantry.  It's never a specific food, I'll overeat on healthy things, it just feels good.  I'll eat til my stomach is sore and then as the pain ebbs off, I'll go back.  I've tried distracting myself with sunflower seeds, chewing gum, drinking my weight in sugar-free drinks and sodas (which aren't good for you either).  I eat well balanced throughout the day and don't really have problem with going for more food then, but at night, it's like a constant craving.  

I know that I've had some physical reasons for this overeating to manifest, but I believe it's stemming more from psycological reasons.  Talking / breaking down with my husband yesterday, I realized I'm trying to fill a hole. I'm missing him!

I don't know if I want to give this new "him" a chance. I really just (this is a reaccuring feeling and thought that runs through my head) want to go home.  I don't think my "home" is a place, I believe it's a feeling and I'm not getting it.  I want to feel loved and cherished, and in many ways my husband does that for me, but it's like it's not right anymore.  Hypothyroidism has messed with our sex hormones, so all sexuality has gone in the tank, and the overeating hasn't helped.  But my hormones are pretty spot on now and I don't want sex.  I never initiate it.  2 days ago, (this was the first time this has ever happened) I just drank, smoked, and ate myself into an oblivion and my husband and I had great sex, cus I just didn't care.  It felt good, so go with it.  That's sad I had to get that out of it to want sex with him.  I don't think it's just hormones anymore...

Conclusion

My heart hurts and I don't know where to start.  I called a therapist today to schedule an appointment and had to leave a message.  I want a life I LOVE, one where those "I wish I had something else" thoughts were a lot fewer and farther between.  Because this life is all we have right now, I don't want to be waiting on my dead/rebirth to bring about a happy one, I want one now, where my self as I am, will remember and enjoy.