Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Are there some constructs that people should define for what they want, or does it just all go out the window and emotions take over?
Is there any way of at least TRYING to stick to some pre-conceived overview, or does it all just fly out the window?
Some life structure helps, I guess (work 9-5, home by 6, TV 8-10, in bed making love by 10, asleep by 11, etc.), as long as two don't get bored with the structure, right?
spontainity can also !!!! but i guess structure may work for some but you know with all good structure at some point the foundations move ;) flexibilty maybe ;)
I'm trying to avoid negative emotions: Anger, hurt, blaming, tearing down, finger-pointing...and I expect the same from someone else.
I think the "negative" emotions are a essential as the "positive" one. Fear, anger and sadness all serve a vital purpose. Avoiding them, I believe, is not only harmful but impossible. When we try to avoid these. all we do is stuff them down out throat. There they fester and grow and become worse and worse. And, in reality, they surface in another way. Eg. depression. Anger is our power house. As long as we are aware of it and use it in a non abusive way it can be very very affective in all relationships. Fear, protects us and sadness allows us to grieve when we must.
I think flexible structure,as knowyourself mentioned, is healthy, but thinking that we can control our emotions,avoid them, is dangerous.
Koolman, I think you have just identified the very core of healthy vs unhealthy relationships. No not logic. Perception.
Logic should be a part of a healthy relationship. The problem is perception gets in the way. One partner perceives they are being perfectly logical whilst the other partner clearly doesn't follow his/her logic.
So, what to do? I have no clue. But, as for me, I think I will sit down and define what is important to me and why. And, I shall hold to those needs, wants and dreams steadfastly. I will attempt to explain the 'logic' of this to a new partner (though not even CLOSE to seriously looking right now). Once I've explained where I'm coming from, I will encourage him to do the same. Perhaps we can determine together, as our relationship grows at a controlled pace, if indeed it is logical for both of us.
Well, it sounds good on paper, anyway!
I also think that positive emotions are just as effective as negative ones. Negative emotions aren't fun, however no relationship can go without a few fights every now and again. I think that its the spats here and there help relationships by putting people on the same page and by showing both members of the relationship that they care enough to fight.