I think it's up to the individual couple. Sometimes living together prior to marriage is perferred because of convenience, sometimes people need to get into a routine together, sometimes it has to do with moving and prior living situations, etc...

My boyfriend and I plan on moving in together this summer. I don't believe marriage is the right thing for me, so we are in agreement to not get married. Especially since I have a 3 year old, we are both in agreement that living together is not "just" living together and we are treating our relationship as if it were a marriage, without the piece of paper.

You seem to be opposed to couples living together before marriage- why is that?

I'm a firm believer of living together before marriage. I wouldn't marry anyone until we lived together 2 years minimum.

I've encouraged both my sons if you're serious enough with a woman to want to marry her, live together first for a few years.

My advice worked out well for my oldest son 3 years ago. He and an ex-g/f were together for 18 months spending every weekend together 24/7 (he'd stay at her place for the weekend or she'd stay at his place for the weekend).

After the 18 months, they then moved in together and were broken up within 6 months of living together. The apartment lease was in his name, she never followed the financial agreement they agreed on (which was a very small amount from her). He ended up paying for everything (rent, utilities, food, outings, vet bills for his dog and her cat, etc.). She didn't clean, she didn't cook, he did all the house chores himself, she did her laundry but never did his laundry.

She worked 25 hours a week for a florist, he was working 60 hours a week (industrial electrician) and then had to come home and do everything because she did nothing but sit on her ass all day watching TV and playing World of Warcraft.

She showed no signs of these things when he would spend weekends with her, she put on a real good act. Her true colors came out within weeks of them living together.

He's been living with another woman for about 6 months now, she has a 10 year old son who he adores, they share chores, they're very happy together and haven't had any problems.

chicka,

You asked a really good question, and I had to give pause to think. My initial thought was maybe I'm just "old-fashioned" and possibly a prude, uptight religious old biddy.

As I continued to collect my thoughts for my response to your question, I read a few posts here, and the true answer hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have seen enough posts from unhappy woman complaining about their relationships not working out, yet feeling trapped to stay in the relationship because they don't have anyone else, can't make it on their own, etc. I wonder if perhaps these woman had not rushed into living with the guy, they might have more options and less insecurity about their future.

I feel that many people do not put enough consideration into the long term ramifications of their actions. Too many people seem to be interested in instant gratification and a mindset of "what's in it for me" and "if it feels good, do it". In a rush to enjoy short term gain, they overlook long term problems. Especially in the bloom of new relationships. Everyone is on their best behavior at the start of a relationship. The urge to believe that everything will continue to get better and better is great. The potential to ignore "red flags" is strong. Because things are so great in the beginning.

So girl moves in with guy, things start to go downhill, because you can't ignore these red flags any longer. But by this time, the woman is trapped and can find it very difficult both emotionally and financially to get out of the situation.

I know that may sound like compelling arguments FOR living together before the greater commitment of marriage. For me, I can only think that the whole situation could have been avoided if only the woman had remained independent.

And yes, I acknowledge the same unhappy relationships often occur within a marriage. That is why I advocate long term dating and engagements. Really knowing who and what your SO is all about through communication about shared goals, values and beliefs is key to a successful, long term relationship.

Or maybe I really am just old fashioned.

I think it is for each couple to decide. My husband and I moved in together about 3 weeks before we were married. It was logistics, more than a specific intent. The apartment we were moving into was available early.

We had no major issues, just the normal adjustments and compromises.

My step-son and his late wife dated for 7 years living together for 5. They didn't make a year of marriage.

I don't feel that one way is any better or worse than the other. It is what works in each case.

T

living together for many is a way to get the bacon without purchasing the pig. I have declined marriage with individuals I lived with for reasons I can't explain. But what I have found is living together is a sin, a cop out, and major defect in society today. ( just my opinion)

If a man will llive with you and not marry you what is wrong with you? many would say it's only a piece of paper, however that paper is a commitment to say I love you for better for worse til death do us part.
I am not saying marriages work all of the time, however selling ourselves short is apart of sociatial norm where anything goes apears to be acceptable. I have found if someone cares enough to live with me, they should care enough to marry me. how about living with someone without physical contact, until the marriage takes place.I believe it would never happen due to loose moral. I have had loose morals and it caused me great harm.

I believe many live together for financial obligations, and companionship. I also believe individuals marry for love, and if there is a God present it works for better or worse.

thanks for allowing me to post my opinion

Now that I think about it, the difficulties that lead the divorce from my first husband were apparent prior to our marriage (we didn't live together). I was aware of them, but chose to ignore them because "things would change" once we were married.

After my divorce, I became engaged to another man after about 8 months of dating. There were red flags, I saw them and acknowledged them. I decided I wasn't going to move in with him, or get married until these things with resolved. They didn't get fixed and I called off the engagement.

About a year after that relationship, I met the man who is now my husband. I kept looking for red flags, but couldn't find any. We will celebrate 10 years of marriage next month.

Scarlet , What a great post and some great responses...I'm in agreeance with connecicut, and what you have also said..I think I gave Koolman a little food for thought on a similar response posted in this SG..
I am not sure that it has everything to do with religion but alot...I think I have learned from experiance and hopefully can pass on what I believe to my older children...The ones that have listened to me as to what I have taught them have had the best lives..The ones that do not listen so well tend to spin their wheels in this life...
My advice is there is a particular order to follow in life...we as people are to put Jesus/God first, then spouse, then family, then Job.. Prepare for an education first before any relationship, prepare for taking care of someone, then date...Marry..

No living together it is only a man made blessing that will fail 90 percent of the time..Why ???? Because there is no commitment , no real blessing from God and its too easy to walk away from it all...
Now I am not saying or incenuating that people that do are pieces of crap or are any less of a person...All I am saying there is an order in life and if you follow it you will be blessed beyond immagineable and then when that person does not put the toothpaste cap on it really is menial...It teaches us patience, dating and folowing the order...Anything else you are just spinning your wheels in this life...and wondering why you are not truelly deep down fullfilled and satisfied...Which is another subject in itself...Self gratification and disatisfaction from living with and making no commitment..
I agree also go to almost every room at Ds and look at many many peoples problems .. How much would have been avoided had they just follow the proper order in life?? Not just living together ..But the order of life...Get back with me on that one would you???

I agree with the assertion of living a God-centered life and its benefits. I don't agree with the 90% failure number. I think the high failure rate is for those individuals who cohabitate frequently. See this article: http://usat.ly/5FSyF.

According to the Barna survey, atheists and agnostics had the lowest divorce rate. How come?

My GF and I are going to do exactly that. To me its all about not getting anymore personal time. Its all about how to handel that person allways being around, thank god she wants to get a two bedroom house...so if we fight we dont have to look at eachother right after.

I think its good, because people are one way where they live and another when they visit eachothers houses. I just wished I had someone as laid back as you, unfortunatly...my GF is a bit high strung as some people know here.

I need that, because right now she flips the fuck out, and this will be the ultimate test for us, moving in together. First we need to build a stronger relationship first, and she wanted to jump the gun within 6 months. This is the most serious relationship I have ever been in and I want to do it right, because if this one fails, which is has a good chance of doing at this point, I dont think I could do it again.

So I think to move in first is a great idea, to see how big fights go and how you handel it, and to basicly tweek little things that can as you all know become big things.

Oh can I just combine Chck and leather together please..LOL. You two sound very normal! I need a normal person!!!...sorry not trying to hijack...LOL

Nothing wrong with living together before marriage.

HOWEVER, there are "right" ways to do it and "wrong" ways to do it.

My Sis and her fianc lived together for a summer to see if they could handle living with each other day in, day out. THEN she moved out, each continuing with their lives. The wedding is this summer. They each continued to live their lives, fulfilling their goals, obligations, etc. They're both incredibly intelligent people. And they've been together for 7 years. So they did things the smart way. No rushing, no split-second decisions. It was all well thought through.

However, I do realize they are likely the exception!

Being together and spending a lot of time together is not the same as living together. My brother found a girlfriend that he really loved and was considering marrying. They moved in together and he said it was like she was a different person. She had depression. She was fin when they would spend time together, but unknown to him, she would go home and mope. When they lived together, he finally saw that other side of her life. It wasn't what he wanted for himself.

I didn't live with my ex before we married but I fully expect to live with my next partner prior to marriage. I would much rather break up a longterm relationship than to get divorced again.

A recent study showed that the statistics have caught up. Years ago couples that lived together before marriage had a much higher divorce rate than couples that didn't. Nowadays they are about equal. I think people who live together prior to marriage realize that it's not just for fun and convenience. They are earnestly trying to test the relationship to see if it will stand under those pressures. In a marriage, it would have to anyway.

Scarletangel,

I agree with you most definitely.

I think a HUGE part of the problem is the way people view living together. Some people view that as a fluid thing- they rush into a living situation out of convenience, because of early feelings that fade, etc... They don't treat living together as a marriage even though they are essentially acting as a married couple.

I think another huge part of the problem is the way people do relationships now-a-days. People enjoy the first few months and move quickly often times. Then, when a problem arises, they don't put in the effort it requires to maintain a relationship. I think people fail to realize that marriage is hard work, compromise, etc... In addition to being in love with a person, one must also like them, love them, and respect them as a partner.

Both my boyfriend and I have been engaged previously and lived with our partners when that happened. I can speak from experience that little things that bothered me at 18 don't matter now- but they were huge problems during my engagement. Because both of us understand what it is like to live with someone else, combigned with the fact that I have a 3 year old and have no intention of uprooting her home all the time- we understand that this is NOT a fluid living arrangement. We are treating our relationship as if it were a marriage even though we have agreed not to get legally married.

Religion aside, I know from my own experiences that I will not be living with anyone for a long, long time. My daughters father was a Wonderful roommate. We divided chores, responsibilities, bills, etc. the only problem was the lack of love. Right now I believe that if I can find a relationship strong enough while we are apart that is based on true values, direction, morals and goals, that our living together will definitely be small potatoes. The bumps that come up in that scenario are less likely to cause major problems than the kind in the reverse situation. Oh, we're great roommates and get along and share chores, but oh wait.... There's no trust, love, understanding, respect, etc..................... I'm more focused on the foundation right now than the small problems of cohabitation. If I am so in love with who a person is, then I hope that their bad habits would not drive me away!!

I'm for it, of course, for the reasons all of you mentioned!

I can see how, spiritually, it "cheapens" the whole deal, a deal that should be a leap of faith. But I think handling arguably relatively tedious compared to physical and spiritual intimacy things like household chores and finances, envy on the part of the person who works more and seems more deprived of love and pleasure, is as essential as making time for love and intimacy, things that can only be discovered by living together prior to tying the knot.

For those of you who, for religious or other personal reasons, believe in making that leap of faith and tying the knot before really knowing each other by living together, I can never argue you down, and best of luck to you!