Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi all. So I am in need of some perspective. It is a pretty long, complicated story. Please bear with me!
So I gave this guy I've been seeing who was seeing another woman an ultimatum. He has agreed to stop seeing her and we are going to find someone to mediate our discussions to work through everything.
I make an effort to try and not be too controlling as this was something that has negatively effected my past relationships. So I told him it would be okay if they stayed friends, but to give me some time to process everything. I also asked to meet this woman, in the hopes that maybe we can all be friends. (I will be honest here, I probably also just want to meet her and kind of size her up and make my own judgement of whether I can trust her if they did remain friends.)
So then things got kinda complicated when she contacted him to help because her brother who has mental health issues and refuses to take meds became abusive and was trying to assault her. (To explain a little context, he is a paramedic and is all about helping people, and I am also in an industry where I help people and animals, so this is something that drew us together when we met.) I was at work and would have encouraged him to help anyone in that situation, no matter who they are, but he told her he couldn't help immediately as I wouldn't like it. (Not shedding me in the best light and making me wonder if he knows me at all? Or maybe the way I act has lead him to believe that I am not as understanding as I am... he has kinda pushed me to my limit at times!) He then offered for her to stay with him and arranged this before contacting me. He also knows that I have a free room at my place where a friend was visiting was staying. So he texted me to ask if she could stay here, which of course, being who I am and having been in a similar situation in the past, I was happy to help.
But then he was saying that she would stay with him most of the time and just a couple of nights here? I need to also say that I do understand the situation may have been awkward and she may not have felt comfortable with it, but in my mind if you need help, you would accept the kindness of strangers? Anyway, so I sent her a msg, offering my help and asking to meet. I also explained my hesitation about her staying with my boyfriend and why it would make me uncomfortable. This did not go down well... she completely focused on my hesitation and disregarded my offer to help. And then she was angry with him and he was angry with me and it was just all very shitty.
Eventually I told him I think she is completely unreasonable and that his reaction to her reaction just showed me that he is still hung up on her. He agreed and said he was going to "put things to rest". I am still not sure what he meant by that, because he proceeded to spend the next day helping her from lunchtime (when they were supposed to meet and "put things to rest") to the late hours of the night. He was apparently helping her run errands etc. Get all her stuff and go to stay with other friends. (They live far away, which is why it isn't ideal to stay there.) I guess I would have been okay with it had he been communicating with me, but he disappeared and explained afterwards. I don't understand why he is the ONLY person she can apparently ask for help, they've only known each other for a month. But I do understand that it is in his nature to help anyone in need.
The next day we met for brunch and I was basically at the point where he never sees her again or I leave. But then he explained the situation with her brother better. We had a discussion about being a team and that if he'd included me in helping I would have felt a lot better about it. But she wouldn't want that, because of my message. She also refuses to read my apology that I sent, to try and explain my intentions. (Even though he asked her to.)
That was yesterday. In the evening I got sick and he has been here taking care of me. Today he tells me she again asked him for help (he said no), even though the day before he apparently explained to her that him and I were together and I was his priority. I asked him that I don't want him to see her, and this is an ongoing discussion due to the current circumstances. I agreed to still help if she needed, but only if I meet her first and we make a different arrangement than her staying with him. He has no problem with coming up with a different arrangement and said he just didn't think of it that way.
I agreed to meet her tomorrow even though she has not even made any effort to read my apology. (She told him it is because she doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it, but she's agreed to meet?)
I feel like I am the only one who is making any kind of effort to be accommodating and to, despite how much the whole situation hurt me, still try to find a peaceful resolution where everyone gets along. I don't feel like she has made any kind of effort, and I feel like he is completely focused on her feelings and disregarding mine. Apparently I am the one who is being unreasonable and selfish? I also feel like that if she knows that we are together why is she asking him to help her TODAY with what sounded like a fairly simple task that could wait a day, when we've all already agreed to meet tomorrow.
I would just like to hear an outside perspective, because I am too much a part of it to think logically and not be just emotional at this point.
Thanks in advance!
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Are you in an exclusive relationship with him now?
Because before there was talk about having an open relationship.
The thing is, the other woman did not agree to "just be friends" with him. And, if they've only known each other/been dating, for one month, how or why do you figure they could or would "just be friends" now? I know that is what you would like to happen, but I am not so sure he or she wants to be just platonic friends.
It's hard in new relationships because we might wish things were a certain way. But we can't tell our partner what to do. And in this case, you really can't tell that other woman what to do. If he wanted an exclusive relationship (with you), he would get rid of her completely, he'd block her number, never see her again.
I don't see them being - just friends.
I also don't think you have to be so accomodating. You deserve to be with a guy who is into only you!
Now she needs help, and it would be cruel of me to try to stop him helping.
You shouldn’t have to give someone a ultimatum if they truly want to be with someone they will be ..
I have recent experience with the 'just' friends thing and it's not working. Maybe a year from now, but not while the new relationship is evolving. TBH it's not fair to anyone. Too many mixed signals... I mean 'friends' have dinner together and talk into the night... Go for day trips...
What brandnewangel said is exactly right: 'if they truly want to be with someone they will'.
The only way they can be 'just friends' is if they both feel like 'just friends' and that isn't the case
Want's his cake and eat it to maybe??
I agree not to tolerate this nonsense ... It's hurting you and is really unhealthy .... Big hug.... xo
Your Choice, stay in relationship, or let go....which in the short/long term will be healthier for you moving forward in your own life.
I have been trying to him about building a strong foundation in our relationship before even thinking of being friends with an ex or anything like that. When I asked him what she did before she met him, he said that she was in a deep depression and even suicidal and that he helped her out of that. Which just scared me more. Sounds like they have kind of a dependency/codependent thing going then, like mlro said? He was miserable when she wasn’t talking to him and when I asked him to not talk to her for a while. So that’s not healthy either.
He also claims the reason he wants her in his life is as a friend, because he doesn’t have very many friends nearby he can hang out with. (He is currently not working due to a long term work injury, so has a lot of free time and I can see that being very lonely. And like me, he is not from here, and this is actually not the easiest place to make friends.) I just wonder why this is a problem now, when before when it was just the 2 of us, he never needed someone like her. He could also put himself out there in other ways to make friends. I am lonely too, but guess I have some friends at work. I just don’t know how to encourage him to make other friends and feel bad asking him to let go of someone that clearly makes him feel good. It sounds counterproductive and I guess it’s a bit of a paradox, but because I love him I want him to be happy. Which is why yes, I have discussed the possibility of a throuple or unicorn with him. But even if I could mentally get to a place where I’d be okay with this, she does not seem to be coming to the party or putting in any effort.
To update everyone, she “postponed” meeting with me until she has signed the lease of a new place, but she still needs his help so has postponed the thing she needed help with until Friday. Even though I said I’d rather meet her before he keeps helping her. So still seems like no one is trying to meet me in the middle. Yet, I still feel stuck in this drama, because I allowed myself to feel something for someone. Prior to this I had been in an awful relationship, it took me years to even think about opening up to anyone. And now I did it is hard to let that go.
From my past codependent life I would do whatever it took to try and Change Someone By Helping Them....they didn't have to ask, I'd offer....I used to be a 'fixer'.
Today I Choose To Fix Myself and My Life First, my son is my next priority, and then the community at large.
This gal is running the show, think of that when you are thinking Love...perhaps some perspective of the 'in the moment' and what your future will be down the road....again, it's all about what you believe is the healthiest road to travel, it is Not The Easy Road To Travel....life lessons are hard...
So many Red Flags are Waving....the largest one was '''''We Discussed An Open Relationship" so this is in my simple thinking, you are getting what you discussed and don't like it....Again in my simple thinking the guy has his own issues with this woman and doesn't sound like he is willing to let her go.
Sit with "what is in my best interest today and in 3 or 6 months time? You are the only one who can help/do for you where this is concerned, too much drama, confusion, and blah blahs with the other two involved.....hang in there, remember Self Care :)
I’m not sure this is how love works.
In the end, in my relationship, we were able to iron things out, and he now says he realizes how wrong his behavior was and that it went on way too long. He regrets the damage done. We also had to spend time working through my feelings about what had happened. It took a long while to be trusting again.
I think part of what might be happening is that it is an ego boost to him to feel that he is the hero, and indispensable. And for her, it is essential that you be cast as the villain. That makes him the hero for protecting her, against YOU. You need to make sure he knows how you feel, and not be brave about trying to accept something that is hurting you. Be upfront about what you want and how it feels to you to have him choosing her over you again and again. Make it clear that she is being manipulative. On some level he knows this already.
You don't deserve this, and it isn't fair, but frankly, in relationships a lot of unfair stuff goes on and sometimes it's worth working through it. if you can't make him understand, you have your answer. Let him make decisions about what he does, knowing what it will do to you and the relationship.
Here’s the thing with building a strong foundation both of you have to want that and be on the same page
To be honest with you I think he’s more invested in the “friend” Stop chasing him and let him chase you . You’ll find out his true feelings .
So it’s not just that he and this woman are in a unhealthy “friendship”but you are too. So it’s kind of warped across the board. I think in this case ultimatums are completely called for. But the risk of an ultimatum is that he doesn’t choose you. Hence the over accommodating him. It smacks of desperation. Deep down you probably know he is going to try to see this woman under the guise of friendship, or she’s fragile, or she needs help. It’s pretty messed up.
You see in his mind because I encouraged him to see other people when we broke up, it is my own fault. But before we started again I offered multiple times to step aside if he wanted her. He is the one that kept pulling me back in. Every time I get the strength to break things off, he somehow manages to convince me otherwise. And somehow what he says makes sense to me. He also even admitted that he said some things but secretly hoped I would reconsider.
As far as the “open relationship” thing, when we discussed it he was the one who was not comfortable with it. And now, even if we do go that route, we need to actually build a healthy relationship before we can even consider anything like that. This I know. And as I think everyone can see, this is not that.
I know that I should just let him go. But I am finding it very hard to ignore that part of me that still envisions a future with him. When all of this started we were helping each other heal from horrible things that happened in the past. It wasn’t supposed to be a relationship, but it evolved.
Now it has evolved again into something unhealthy and exhausting, but I am holding on to the way things were, because it was so hard to find someone who gets me the way he does. I am A LOT, and it takes a special kind of person to have the patience and understanding to want to build a life with me. I can be myself with him. And that is rare. I have always fit into other peoples’ lives and when we got together, I never had to do that.
Anyway. I guess it is all still wishful thinking. Writing and getting your opinions is helping me work through it. Just taking a bit longer than I would have liked to get to a place where I can do what I need to do and not fall apart.