"Such warmth and love...that already reside! s deep within me. "

such beautiful words, Kool. I went right to that place within myself just reading them. Mystical poetry.

Jen: At times! It needs to be an EVERYDAY occurrence.

He (or She, if God is a woman) owns it all. Everything we've been blessed with, whatever talents and skills we have that generate money, whatever love we experience, comes from the Divine One. And the Divine One gets lonely too.

I get too prideful sometimes. Then I'm like a lamb to the slaughter. Something (or someone, physical or spiritual ! ) comes along and chops me right down.

healing: Thanks! Glad they helped!

oh yeah..."Pride goeth before the fall..."

so true!

Hi Everyone, I am new to this group and wanted to say hi..:)

This thread really resonates with me....@MsTeri's comments made me stop and recognise all the control issues that I am currently dealing with in my current relationship; and contributed to the break-up of my marriage.

I am always in 'control' of myself. I never let go, I always think about things before I do it because I never want to do it wrong, say it wrong or just 'be' wrong. I plan my life out and get frustrated when it doesn't end up according to my neatly defined ideal...

My constant fear of 'not being loved'; of 'not being able to have a family & children of my own' is already driving a wedge between me and my new partner. It is like a vicious cycle between me & me because my unhappiness is driven by this fear, which is making me even more unhappy.

I spend time staring at my new partner, thinking of all the things that are not right in our relationship, thinking about all the things that don't match my ideals, thinking about my fears and driving him away.

How do I 'let go'? How do I relinquish that control and lift this burden that I feel I am constantly carrying?

Part of letting of control..is letting go of anger..most people who need control and power are very angry people to statr with..

Are you asking Koolman ...letting go of control..many parts with this thread..not one issue,but many..i don't know which control are you talking about?...

Six reasons why people are anger and need to control other people...POWER AND CONTROL...GIVING AWAY RESPONSIBILITY...POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS...AVOIDING OTHER FEELINGS OR PEOPLE...HABIT...THE ANGER RUSH...

To give up control,you first have to climb off the anger ladder...the first part of the anger ladder goes like this....

Sneaky anger
The cold shoulder
Blaming and shaming
Swearing and screaming and yelling
Demand and threats
Chasing and holding
Partly controlled violence and top of the ladder...
Blind Rage ..to control others...

So ,this thread started with...Letting go of control..the only answer i come up with..is LETTING GO OF ANGER AND VIOLENCE BEHAVIOR....

In order to let go the control and power and anger..forgiving

Forgiving is a choice
Forgiving is for you,not the person you forgive
Forgiving takes time
Forgiving means letting go of the past
You may have to forgive yourself...

Control,starts with anger,and inorder to losse your control play is to lose your anger...

Hmm...
In response to jcoast....

IMO:
Control is a diverse mindset. Not ALL 'controllers' are Angry or driven by this emotion. Anger is simply a response to other more defined emotions that we struggle to deal with. Anger is a 'cap' holding back vulnerable, confused feelings that sneak out in raw comfortable, understandable emotion. And, yes, some 'controllers' are unknowing victims of this. But I am not one of them.

I hold no anger toward the outside world. I am a very self-aware individual who is very in tune with my feelings and my reason(s) to maintain 'control' of myself is Fear. My Fear is not a 'cap' or 'cover' for Anger. I fear being 'less than', 'not being good enough'...because I was taught that to be loved, I must be -Best, -Perfect, -Submissive, -Caretaker, -Non-expressive ~ by my parents.

In my fear, I have actually made things worse for myself. I have avoided myself in order to be loved the way I was taught love is. When in fact, love about the whole human experience; being real with others for who they are and who I am. I'm still trying to work through this and it's VERY DIFFICULT.

It doesn't make me feel anger that I have to re-learn what real (self) Love is at 55, but it does worry me a bit. So, I just have to plod through; try hard to express myself - let go of 'perfection' ..open new windows and doors for others to see; and find new, more reasonable boundaries. Maybe I'll reach this goal by the time I'm 80!!! This should make me a lot more fun to hang with over card games on the porch with my fellow rest home residents. *wink

I agree, control is not all about letting go of anger, but sometimes I for one find the outside world so BORING that I feel I need to shake it, and everyone in it, up a little bit. It's like WAKE UP, people!!! Everyone's in their metal coffins driving to and from work, mechanically going through the motions of life, not being violently angry, but not really being passionate either, and it seems a waste of life, mediocre, boring. But that's me.

So I try to lead by passionate example, be the fun-loving, physically and emotionally aggressive, dynamic guy that I am, but sometimes it'd be nice to have some company who feels the same way...I'm all alone out there lol...

I know nobody,that doesn't want there way..and when a person gets want they want ..its called control..now if you don't get your way..many people get angry...sooooo..giving up control is to stop being angry and let people have choices..control to me ..means .im always right and your always wrong..no give or take...this is my opinion,and i thank everybody for their own opinion..we all have the right agree or disagree

Absolutely jcoast. I totally agree with you. The type of control you are referring to exists and is quite a prominent type.

The type of control I am referring to is a bit more complex and a lot less obvious. I used my 'being perfect' in all my relationships to obtain love ~ hence a type of control. I gave up myself as a thinking, opinioniated, smart, assertive woman to please, caretake, problem-solve, maintain all areas of home and life...basically being everything my mate could possibly want. I did it 'excellent' and the love I received seemed 'excellent'.

Until my partner went through midlife and no longer wanted a mother, maid, housekeeper, confidant, patient, accepting, agreeable, cook. *wink.
My ability to 'control myself' totally back-fired on me. Three times. Each LTR I did the same exact thing; but I left the first two. Just didn't know why back then.

So. Yes. Some control with temper...others like me.. become codependent and control their environment letting themselves disapear simply to be loved.

Thank you MsTeri - I can totally relate to what you are saying and see some of that it the actions & 'mistakes' that I do today..:)

You have certainly given me some food for thought....Thank you!

Great talk, ladies. So I guess the general consensus is: We can be LOVING, get on a warm cloud, without feeling we have to control or micromanage each other's very souls?

What a great thread. I think Koolman found an issue that a lot of us can relate to. For me, giving up control is rooted in my fear of having my life fall apart if I don't manage it. I am an analyst in my job and I am good at it. That behavior does not serve me well in my personal life because some things will just never make sense. Some things you do need to let go. I am dealing with a lot of complicated things right now. I love my job, but it is hard right now. I love my teenage kids, but they are both having issues at school.

I struggle with knowing what I can change and what I just need to let go of. I am the most happy when I am able to focus on what I need to do with no regard to what I get back out of it from others. I just cannot seem to hold on to that moment.

Life a breeze, I focus on what I can manage, and I feel good. Then just like a breeze, it blows out and I try to control things again. Why?

It could be anger, but in my case it is fear. Fear that if I am not a certain way, everything I have and love will go away.

Having said that, I know it will all be fine.

Great response, Rock!

I make my living, partially, as a video editor, and, as a video editor, I am literally controlling reality, time and space...on the screen...in the digital universe. Take me out into the world, and, of course, nothing makes sense, everything is wildly beyond my control.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to at least try to make our lives what we want them to be, have some core belief system and some convictions, which we can then imprint, impose, upon others, in the hopes that someone will think the same way we do, because it's lonely out there, and we all need "help mates"...BUT, I do agree that an undercurrent of love, and certain flexibility, adaptability, is needed, because even when life doesn't go the way WE want it to, we have to trust that love prevails, and, as long as we're warm and loving, we can roll with whatever life dishes out. Tough even to find that warmth sometimes, though...