Letting go of control terrifies me. I don't trust others to do what is best for me, which is really crazy seeing as I seem to be my worse enemy. I think life would be freer and happier if I could let go some. Life struggle I guess. Thanks for sharing Koolman.

Hi Cool,

I think control happens in the absence of real respect and appreciation, which are actually learned skills, thoughts, and behaviors. If we don't learn it young from capable people, relationships of all kinds are going to be very difficult. Control is about fear alone and has only destructive elements and behavior. Like obligation, guilt, shame, all with deep fear at the core. Control is about intense fear that happened long before a relationship ever started. Control is about the fear of being hurt again and making sure one does not allow it to happen again. All this is my opinion and experience of course. .

It is scary, and I need to let go of alot of stuff and realize I cann't control everything..

@ Ruidoso78 ~ letting go of control terrifies me as well. I'm trying to learn how to do that with my boyfriend right now - I have always been in control of everything in my life (since I was 16) and I've been very successful and have managed myself well ~ but I must learn that I cannot control him - is a relationship even real & honest with all the control issues?

I found out through the journey of my last 12 year thing, that I was alot more controling than I realized. I knew I had the tendencies, but as I matured and learned, I used my 'giving' nature to control what I wanted from a mate. I also learned, that there are very complex, diverse ways to 'control', and if it's not stopped, it will snowball into something quite dark and inescapable.

My control method was to become the 'be all end all'. I accomplished great feats that no other could possibly do! I was the best friend, the maternal flame, the best cook, house keeper, greatest problem solver, a juggler of all tasks, the ulimate in planner, organizer,...blah, blah, blah.
If I was 'perfect' and did 'everything right in my lovers eyes' I deserved Love. I want their love, I will have their love, and this is how I control 'everything' to get it. This was in fact a form of very complex manipulation that backfires into a deep codependency. And from what I've learned, the more intelligent you are, the more intense your fear will be of not being loved, and it appears in adult life as codependency.

Others are more outward when they control. Criticism, Expectations, Pulling away physical contact/being emotionally unavailable, Ignoring, Saying things to others about you as if you aren't there, watching your every move, asking your every thought, ...oh this list goes on and on. This behavior is a bit less complex and is driven by the Ego. These folks 'will have what they want ~ when they want it, regardless of the loss.'

Then, there's the covert controller. The 'together one' ..'balanced one' who never really lets themselves be fully exposed. They hide their feelings with great mastery and can do this for ..years. And, years. There mate never really knows what they're thinking and that's how they like it. This controller will Not Let their true feelings out unless they have been carefully analyzed and every angle of their thoughts/feelings and decisions (in their mind) are totally accounted for. They do whatever needed, to make sure their mate see's them on a high, high pedestal. This is a rational, logical machine, and will eventually destroy any humanity that could exist between partners.

IMO, the control game we play is the control game we learned...a long, long time ago.

Controllers have to do some real introspection and realize they have to put away 'the game'. It''s not meant to work, because it's not honoring the human spirit. All the time and energy used to control an environment and the poor souls pulled inside it,....ends with a dry, quiet emptiness. The joy of learning, being real, being emotional, taking risks, loving someone in true spirit and nature ..is controlled, so the pure goodness and beauty of humanity dies.

Controllers are so busy 'needing to feel secure and loved' they actually miss out on experiencing what it's like to Really Know another human being. Eventually, suffocating themselves and becoming estranged from the person they gave their heart to.

What kind of life is that? That we can't be open and accepting of the heart we hold? Instead of seeing the actual person we're with, being their friend and greatest support of their life, we are busy trying to control them and our environment ?

I've allowed myself a few opportunities recently to let go of my control issue (Fear) and just 'be' with someone. It was such a relief, such a burden was taken off my shoulders.
I actually 'saw' who I was with and I was able to see their beauty and flaws; intelligence and maturity; their values and morals. Instead of holding up a restrictive mirror to them.. I held up easy-going Clarity. Removing my need for control (letting go of fear), allowed me to see exactly who I was with and appreciate them fully.
I had the clarity to say either, "This person is beautiful, but not for me." or, "This person Rocks for exactly who they are."

Control can be compared to chains. Control is a chain we voluntarily place around ourselves and are suffocating on other hearts. There is a Key to unlock the chains, we just have to want to work hard and seek out the lock that binds them.
Ah-h-h.. Freedom!!!!

(Great topic)
High Five Koolman

Well said, Ms Teri! Upon serious reflection this past year, I have come to realize that I have been a controller. I now recognize it as an issue in my previous marriage, and am sometimes struggling with it in my parenting. But, the good thing is, I now know...I see it...I can change it. I didn't realize the extent of it until I met someone new. As he asked me questions about my past, I realized that I have really missed out on a lot of typical life experiences because I refused to let go and just have fun. He identified the control issue right away, but I blindly had not. Happily, he is adventurous and always seeking new experiences with me in every way. He told me he gets joy out of seeing me try something new, even if he's already done that. He challenges me to let go and honestly, I love it! There are times when I am so scared and just don't feel ready, but he's got my back and my trust. Because I am letting go, putting my trust and faith in someone else, I finally feel like I am starting to live!

Great info, gals! Keep it coming! Fellas too!

This really is a great thread? The solution for controlling, of course, is letting go, just as the title of the thread states. For those of us raised in and controlled by controllers, terror of the unknown or worse can be the result of just thinking about letting others and ourselves just live and let live. So what about all that fear? How do we develop the skills to let go and not take the behavior of others on as our responsibility? How do we stop the struggle to stay in control at all costs?

There are some great articles and insight on the Internet about how to 'let go of control'. Check it out.

I think for me personally, I need to learn how to simply control myself and totally, completely let go of trying to control my environment and others. I have 3 failed LTR's under my belt, and I have repeated the same behavior in all of them. By the time each relationship came to a close, I was completely exhausted and used up. This last one LTR just about killed me, so enough.

Time to trust myself and love myself again. Time to try a new outlook. Time to let this new energy project outward; let life happen without stress, and allow compatible, intelligent, healthy, mature people into my life. Time to be human and live amongst the humans!

Oh ya, that is a toughie for me too. Letting go of control = letting go of anger and disappointment. It has its benefits I say. It has gotten better for me to let go a little. Now if I could just let go completely!

They (and you know who "they" are) say "let go...and let God." What is God? Love. Therefore, let go and trust that love, that warmth, will prevail. May not be the KIND of love you seek, but it's love nonetheless. Sometimes it's nothing more than the warmth of the sun, but it's God's love.

I think so many of us simply need to learn how to relax more often, and more deeply. We're so caught up in the hustle of making money and chasing our physical and material desires that we forget how to relax, or relaxation feels "boring" or "not sexy" to some of us somehow.

I took a nap yesterday in my car between photographing a wedding at sunrise and photographing an extremely rushed, stressful 8-hour wedding last night, and it was divine. It was a direct communion with God. Such warmth and love...that already resides deep within me.

And it placed life in perspective when I saw the bride and groom stressing about how their "dream wedding" got rained out, rather than adapting and making it an "indoor event". Stupid how people spend so much money (and I'm grateful to be taking some of their money) on one day, when they're kinda missing the point: Roll with life, and accept that life, and marriage, is not perfect. We have to adapt.

But it sucks that they paid for "stuff" that they didn't get a chance to use, and won't get their money back (like a golf cart to take them out to a fountain where they wanted to look so glammed up and dolled up for their wedding pictures).

Guess which wedding I preferred? The ceremony-only wedding at sunrise. Didn't pay as much as the big one, but a few more of the little ones will make up the difference. Was two people standing on the beach in front of God's canopy, a beautiful sunrise, presided by an officiant. This is really what a wedding is all about: Two people proclaiming their love for one another and making an eternal commitment before God. Distilled down, it's the purest proclamation of committed love.

Being in control is ok for certain things, but not everything. She was so used to being that way that it went too far, and now it screwed up our marriage. She wouldn't even try to talk to a marriage counsler, it was her way or no way most of the time. I won't live with someone like that again. That's twice now, but no more. You would think that I'd learn from the first marriage, but when you're lonely and want to be with someone, you don't think of things clearly.

Yep!

Good luck finding solace in the human scene! Try to be one with God. Then you won't be so lonely.

Interesting post Koolman. Are you one with God?