Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hello... Thank you for taking the time to read my story..
My name is Erica, and I'm 32 years old. I've been married for 11 years, together for 12 with my husband, and we have 2 children under the age of 10.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder, which I have been getting treatment for, for the past 20 years. I see a Psychiatrist every 4-6 months who monitors my medication, and I also see a Therapist every 2 weeks. Though I have conquered a lot of my fears, I still struggle every day.
I'm extremely unhappy in my marriage, and I have been for years. We married young- I was 21, he was 20. Not the smartest idea, but at the time, I thought that I was in love.
My husband has been unfaithful to me, a few times (many years ago) while on the Internet. I'm sure I don't need to provide details, so all I will say is that he engaged in sexual conversation, and sexual acts with our webcam. He would make me luxurious bubble baths- candles, music, etc.. and while I would be bathing, he would be in the other room... Cheating. The whole time I thought that he was doing it to be sweet, but it was more so he could keep track of where I was. I discovered he was cheating one day when I had a sick feeling in my stomach (trust your gut, people). I looked on his email/instant messaging account and discovered his dirty little secrets. As far as I know he hasn't cheated since then, but for all I know he still could be.
My husband makes me feel worthless. He calls me names, teases me, pushes me away when I go to give him a hug or kiss, and puts me down in front of our friends and family. Our sex life is basically non-existent.. He only comes to me for sex when he needs it, and it's not good sex.. It's rushed, and selfish. His needs are met, and he could care less if mine are. There is no communication between us. He doesn't talk. No, really, he DOESN'T TALK. I have sat with him, MANY times, to talk to him about our marriage problems, but he doesn't respond. He'll continue to watch television, or just ignore me. He never tells me that he loves me. And he never, EVER apologizes.
Because of my anxiety, and my husband's controlling ways, I am very dependent on him. I don't have money of my own, or a car, and I'm honestly frightened to drive. I feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards since marrying him. He does all the driving, he controls the money, he controls EVERYTHING. He has road rage. and a bad temper and has been known to slam his fists on objects when frustrated.
He loves his children, and he does fun activities with them, but he has a short temper when they act up, and he isn't emotionally connected with them. I never hear him say, "I love you" or, "I'm proud of you", etc. He is like their "buddy" rather than their Father.
I'm a stay-at-home Mom, and I work on the weekends to bring in a little extra income. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed. But most of all, I'm so incredibly lonely. My family doesn't know how I feel about my marriage, and most of my friends don't either. I know I am not in a position to leave- I have no money, no place to go, no car... No self esteem. I've gained a lot of weight during the past few years because I am very depressed. I eat, and I eat, and I eat to soothe my pain. I get by because of my children. I love them, and caring for them brings me joy.
I feel like I am standing on my last leg. I am too ashamed to let people know how awful my marriage really is.. So I put on a show in public- all smiles, all positivity. I'm getting to the point where I can't do that anymore. I just don't have it in me.
I don't know what to do anymore........
My name is Erica, and I'm 32 years old. I've been married for 11 years, together for 12 with my husband, and we have 2 children under the age of 10.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder, which I have been getting treatment for, for the past 20 years. I see a Psychiatrist every 4-6 months who monitors my medication, and I also see a Therapist every 2 weeks. Though I have conquered a lot of my fears, I still struggle every day.
I'm extremely unhappy in my marriage, and I have been for years. We married young- I was 21, he was 20. Not the smartest idea, but at the time, I thought that I was in love.
My husband has been unfaithful to me, a few times (many years ago) while on the Internet. I'm sure I don't need to provide details, so all I will say is that he engaged in sexual conversation, and sexual acts with our webcam. He would make me luxurious bubble baths- candles, music, etc.. and while I would be bathing, he would be in the other room... Cheating. The whole time I thought that he was doing it to be sweet, but it was more so he could keep track of where I was. I discovered he was cheating one day when I had a sick feeling in my stomach (trust your gut, people). I looked on his email/instant messaging account and discovered his dirty little secrets. As far as I know he hasn't cheated since then, but for all I know he still could be.
My husband makes me feel worthless. He calls me names, teases me, pushes me away when I go to give him a hug or kiss, and puts me down in front of our friends and family. Our sex life is basically non-existent.. He only comes to me for sex when he needs it, and it's not good sex.. It's rushed, and selfish. His needs are met, and he could care less if mine are. There is no communication between us. He doesn't talk. No, really, he DOESN'T TALK. I have sat with him, MANY times, to talk to him about our marriage problems, but he doesn't respond. He'll continue to watch television, or just ignore me. He never tells me that he loves me. And he never, EVER apologizes.
Because of my anxiety, and my husband's controlling ways, I am very dependent on him. I don't have money of my own, or a car, and I'm honestly frightened to drive. I feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards since marrying him. He does all the driving, he controls the money, he controls EVERYTHING. He has road rage. and a bad temper and has been known to slam his fists on objects when frustrated.
He loves his children, and he does fun activities with them, but he has a short temper when they act up, and he isn't emotionally connected with them. I never hear him say, "I love you" or, "I'm proud of you", etc. He is like their "buddy" rather than their Father.
I'm a stay-at-home Mom, and I work on the weekends to bring in a little extra income. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed. But most of all, I'm so incredibly lonely. My family doesn't know how I feel about my marriage, and most of my friends don't either. I know I am not in a position to leave- I have no money, no place to go, no car... No self esteem. I've gained a lot of weight during the past few years because I am very depressed. I eat, and I eat, and I eat to soothe my pain. I get by because of my children. I love them, and caring for them brings me joy.
I feel like I am standing on my last leg. I am too ashamed to let people know how awful my marriage really is.. So I put on a show in public- all smiles, all positivity. I'm getting to the point where I can't do that anymore. I just don't have it in me.
I don't know what to do anymore........
The thing I find most troubling about your post is when you say he pushes you away when you try to hug him.
Why are you trying to hug someone who treats you this way?
You may as well be trying to hug a fence post for all of the emotional fulfillment you will be getting out of him.
If leaving isn't an option for you right now, I hope that you will find the strength to start taking care of yourself. If you can only take baby steps to self care. Stress can be handled in positive ways. Go for walks with the kids, clean out closets.. any little thing you can find that is going to make you feel proud of yourself.
When faced with butt heads in this world, too many people turn to self destructive ways to deal with the stress. Be a Warrior! Be strong! Find a friend who will take you out on little driving lessons to gain your confidence. Maybe one of your co workers could be a friend to you?
wishing you the best!
Exercise, eat healthier foods, get more sleep.
Realizing you are not alone helps. There is a board here called Physical and Emotional Abuse that has some very good people who give excellent advice and support.
The thing is... You do NOT have to live this way.
I know divorce is the last thing anyone wants to go through, but sometimes when the wheels are set in motion the stagnant marriage can survive and improve. If not, you can start your life over.
Many people who had their parents stay married " for the kids" would agree that it was not the best choice. Kids want to see their parents happy. When kids are little they don't necessarily understand the full extent of what's going on but they can feel our unhappiness, this is why I think it would be good for you to take some action and change something.
It is really scary to even think about starting life on your own, but it is good for a few reasons - your husband may finally wake up and see that you are not forever and he must treasure you and work on your relationship, and the second aspect is that it will teach your children not to put up with BS when they are starting out themselves. Last thing we want is our kids following our footsteps in that respect.
Teach them that if a relationship is not favorable right from the start, they don't have to stay in it just for the sake of being perceived as patient and dedicated.
I think you need to confide in a family member or close friend, possibly even a coworker. Get a support group for yourself. People will help you. Divorcing later in life doesn't make it any easier for the kids. I actually think it is harder for them. They lived with the disfunctional marriage, picked up the bad traits watching and then be more aware of the divorce when they are older.
There are some good sites on here...one is Divorce after twenty years. I know you haven't been together for twenty years but the women over on that site are active on it and so knowledgable.
I wish you luck and I am glad you were brave enough to write on here.
He does not deserve you, and yes you have anxiety so what. You need to think about you and do what's best for you.
Good luck stay strong !!!