Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My other half and I are on rocky ground. We have been for awhile, but are attempting to regain our footing. We have been together for almost seven years and have built a life together.
A while back I used his phone to check something on a group we were both on on Facebook. While scrolling on the screen I accidentally hit the message button and the inbox messages popped down and I saw he had one from a girl I will call Michelle.
I can't stand Michelle. I never could. She's the sort of girl who burns through booze, drugs and men like there is no tomorrow. She and my SO worked together and they got along. She did things like draw smiley faces on his work boots, and tuck her number on a bit of paper in his wallet. The final straw was at our house warming party when I walked into the room to see her resting her hand on his leg. He claims it was all innocent. Which to me means either he's an idiot or he didn't want me to stop it.
I have NEVER told him who he could of couldn't be friends with. I have never gotten jealous when he goes over to a female coworkers to have a few beers, or when he goes to the pub after work for a beer and sits and talks to another girl etc etc etc. But for some reason this Michelle really got to me. I told him how I felt, but didn't tell him he had to stop being around her. I was hoping he would respect and love me enough to scale back on his own accord.
She moved away. I thought yay!!! Then all over that stupid accidental tap I find out he's been talking to her for awhile now. I also have NEVER snooped through his phone, his email, his Facebook. Nothing. And I know it's wrong, and curiosity killed the cat, but I have been checking up on their convo on his Facebook every now and then.
He has been saying things like 'I see your still looking good and partying hard' and she asked about me and our daughter and he just told her that he had no idea where our relationship was at but he really didn't care. And to make matters worse, this girl, whom I can't stand, has not sent back a single inappropriate message that could make me mad at her as well. Minus where she said she want's to move back here....ugh.
I'm really hurt. I thought we were trying to work it out, and I find out he has taken all his upset at me and starting talking with the only girl I have ever had an issue with. And they were not close pals before, so it's not like she is a prime choice as a confidant. And I don't know how to bring it up.
It makes me want to check all his emails and other messages. Check his phone. I haven't, because I feel skeevy enough knowing that I invaded his privacy to look at this one convo. But I know that in order to continue attempting to fix it, I need to bring it up. Wich means admitting I violated his trust, and that's hard for me to swallow! That I did that, but it's harder to admit it.
I don't want criticism. I don't want people to go off on a tirade and bash me. I just want some HELPFUL advice. Thanks.
A while back I used his phone to check something on a group we were both on on Facebook. While scrolling on the screen I accidentally hit the message button and the inbox messages popped down and I saw he had one from a girl I will call Michelle.
I can't stand Michelle. I never could. She's the sort of girl who burns through booze, drugs and men like there is no tomorrow. She and my SO worked together and they got along. She did things like draw smiley faces on his work boots, and tuck her number on a bit of paper in his wallet. The final straw was at our house warming party when I walked into the room to see her resting her hand on his leg. He claims it was all innocent. Which to me means either he's an idiot or he didn't want me to stop it.
I have NEVER told him who he could of couldn't be friends with. I have never gotten jealous when he goes over to a female coworkers to have a few beers, or when he goes to the pub after work for a beer and sits and talks to another girl etc etc etc. But for some reason this Michelle really got to me. I told him how I felt, but didn't tell him he had to stop being around her. I was hoping he would respect and love me enough to scale back on his own accord.
She moved away. I thought yay!!! Then all over that stupid accidental tap I find out he's been talking to her for awhile now. I also have NEVER snooped through his phone, his email, his Facebook. Nothing. And I know it's wrong, and curiosity killed the cat, but I have been checking up on their convo on his Facebook every now and then.
He has been saying things like 'I see your still looking good and partying hard' and she asked about me and our daughter and he just told her that he had no idea where our relationship was at but he really didn't care. And to make matters worse, this girl, whom I can't stand, has not sent back a single inappropriate message that could make me mad at her as well. Minus where she said she want's to move back here....ugh.
I'm really hurt. I thought we were trying to work it out, and I find out he has taken all his upset at me and starting talking with the only girl I have ever had an issue with. And they were not close pals before, so it's not like she is a prime choice as a confidant. And I don't know how to bring it up.
It makes me want to check all his emails and other messages. Check his phone. I haven't, because I feel skeevy enough knowing that I invaded his privacy to look at this one convo. But I know that in order to continue attempting to fix it, I need to bring it up. Wich means admitting I violated his trust, and that's hard for me to swallow! That I did that, but it's harder to admit it.
I don't want criticism. I don't want people to go off on a tirade and bash me. I just want some HELPFUL advice. Thanks.
I totally understand your desire to check on him, but from my experience the problem is not really the girl, but , like you said, your relationship being on unstable ground. I think that checking on him is only going to dig deeper under the foundation of your relationship.
You probably feel insecure and worried because if whatever issues you have. If he is going to do something , you can't stop him. If it is not her, it will be someone else..
I don't have any advice on how to fix the problems in your relationship, because , of course, only you and your guy know what is going on , but I believe most of your energy should go towards resolving the troubles, rather than reading his conversations.
You can easily tell how a man feels about you by the way he touches you, by what your time together is like , by the way he looks at you, by his body language.
I truly hope that you two can work it out and focus on each other.
I know it is really hard, but breaking the trust boundaries can be irreversible. If he finds out you are doing this he may never forgive the violation of his privacy.
However, if you told him that this girl's behavior made you feel uncomfortable and there is still communication happening constantly I would talk to him again and tell him that his energy should be spent on repairing the relationship you have .
I hope thigs work out and all will be well
The way he behaves makes me think he isn't as serious about this as I am. I am currently trying to figure out how to get into relationship counselling and the cost of it, because he agreed to that.
Are you able to tell him something like : " I know that we have some problems in our relationship and I worry that the difficulties we are having may lead to infidelity on your part. By infidelity I mean : having an intimate conversation with a woman on line , going out with a woman without me knowing, having sex of any kind.
I want to see you happy, I want to see US happy together, it would help me greatly if you could tell me your thoughts on what I just told you. I would rather know the truth than worry about hypothetical problems. "
But if he does tell you the truth, be prepared to receive it in an appropriate way. Don't criticize him, otherwise he won't open up again.
Good luck !
And he gave you a reason- he did not set boundaries with an openly flirty person. And this kicker really got me:
"she asked about me and our daughter and he just told her that he had no idea where our relationship was at but he really didn't care".
WOW. If I was you, I would begin ending the relationship with him without even explaining it to him. You don't have to tell him what you found out. You can just say you need to separate.
Yes you have a daughter, but it's the "I don't care where we are" part-- this doesn't even sound like someone using the old "She doesn't understand me" line. This sounds like someone who has zero investment in the relationship, which makes him an unlikely candidate for counseling.
I would be steaming if someone said they didn't even care when another person asked about our relationship. If it was in the context of you both just having had a fight, maybe that would be one thing- like he was just spouting off and made a thoughtless remark. However, if he conveys that lack of investment a lot, well... that's really not a good sign.
He could be 'trying to work it out' because maybe the divorce would break him financially. I would point blank ask him how sincere he is about working it out- don't even mention all of this stuff.
Just ask him straightforward "Do you really want to make this work? I'm just curious if you do." And if you sense any waffling or dishonesty, I'd begin consulting a lawyer.
Anyone that is doing any kind of rebound stuff is not exactly trying too hard to work it out.
Its sad because I can pin point many of the turning points in our relationship. One is when I had a baby, changed for the worse. One is when I asked him if he still wanted to marry me and he shrugged and said I don't know, BIG change for the worse (I cried for months over that), when we decided it would be best if I worked from home, change for the worse.
But I really want this too work. I think it's true, that you can't help who you love. But I can help try to keep my relationship on a positive track.
If it doesn't work, I will leave. As hard as it will be....emotionally and financially (as I gave up making a decent wage to stay at home and now make pennies to his dollar). I just don't want to call it quits without doing everything I possibly can!
There are people who will barge you less. Ask around some more.
As Dr. Phil says that you have to work your way in the relationship and do everything you can or work you way out and atleast you know you both tried.
I think perhaps you have ignored his clues along the way. He said he wan't sure about marriage when you asked and also I wonder if he is just staying for your daughter and doesn't have the heart to actually leave.
I'm not in your shoes I am just speculating.
Work at finding a reasonable counselor and decide if this can work for the both of you. You have to be open with all communication and he has to be in this as well.
my point was "but will HE try to keep it on track?" It takes two and if you are going to shell out big bucks for the effort, he better give a sh*t first.
It just sounds like so many red flags here. I'm very sorry, but I've been around this type of person who is halfway out the door but too weak to leave and lets the other person know they don't care. It eats away at your self-esteem.
I would find someone who will love you back. You can't control who you love, but you don't have to marry someone who doesn't really care about the relationship.
You deserve better than that. He sounds like his pattern is one of very low investment but he's just hanging around for some reason. Perhaps it's the baby.
This just doesn't look good to me.
I would ask yourself what are you gaining from this, what is he giving you emotionally that you can't get from someone else? Is he really that great?
One day I look in the mirror and say 'you gottta go' and then the next day it's 'well maybe your exaggerating'. I've never been so wishy washy in my life!
I'm not gaining anything anymore....he basically treats me like his mother and nothing more. Hell, he treats his mother better!
I just want to help him and myself I guess. I know he needs help, he's a miserable ass lately. And I know PART of it, not all, is his medication. He had a kidney transplant when he was 19 and lately they have been playing with his meds and it's causing his hormone levels and what not to be all over the place. But this is the second time in our relationship they have done this and the first time wasn't this bad. Plus, in the last year he has lost ALOT of weight, where as I have gained weight since having our daughter and gaining a more sedate life. I'm trying to lose it, I exercise, I eat better, but around my stomach just does not want to go! When we met he was hefty and Iwas thin and I loved him anyways. But now that he's thin it bothers him that I'm heavy....and that bothers me.
Basically our main issues are
1. my size compared to his size
2. my income compared to his income
3. his refusal to help around the house in pretty much any manner
4. we can't talk without arguing anymore
I really want to see a counseller before I call it quits, since it seems like the very last thing I could try for our relationship. Like I said, I don't really understand why I'm being so wishy washy, maybe because of all I've invested in it....maybe I'm scared, no I am scared, of being a single parent...maybe I don't think I can do it alone anymore. I'm not really sure.
I spend 17 years in an abusive relationship. I was a stay home mom to 2 young kids. I got out of there, and I am now a single parent who works part time, and I'd never consider going back! And I don't have any family close by, either. So if you do decide to go that route someday, know that you CAN.
I totally get being wishy-washy- I am myself and I have to do the break up. It's hard to break up. And single parenthood does sound daunting, but you could find someone again, you never know. But if you keep clinging to him, you won't.
I'm just so against having someone who is using you as a Plan B, like Awesome said, because I have had that happen to me more than once and I have had to call at least 2 guys on it and it is so destructive for your self-respect to feel like you have to beg for someone to like you. It's damaging and if I could do it all over again I would run run run like the wind. It messed me up a lot more than I realized at the time.
Years ago I did counseling through Catholic Social Services and it was much cheaper.
Good Luck to you.