Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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It Never Works In The End

rainBowsLoveMe
rainBowsLoveMe
I don't know if I should write something so personal on here, but I really just feel like getting this all out on somewhere where he won't see, other than just writing it in a book and I guess in a way I want people to see it. My ex is an asshole. We were so nice together for a year ago, then he broke up with me after dating for 6months after I gave him my virginity. I didn't talk to him for 5months until I broke down in the end and contacted him. I had so much resentment it was a horrible emotional roller coaster trying to "fix" things. Even after I don't know how long of talking, I still can't come close to getting over it, or somewhat forgiving him. It hurts too much. It was such a betrayal of my trust and love for him. I told myself that I would never become one of those statistics and that I would give myself to someone that I love and trust, but the complete opposite happened.... It was such a horrible experience for me. I still cry about it after a year that's how much it hurts. I think I blame myself for the emotional turmoil when trying to fix our "relationship", but it's not my fault.... I didn't cause this... I didn't cause my depression, my withdrawal from him, he did by betraying me, but everytime I try and leave, I either get sucked in by my own self or him. I don't want it anymore. I'm almost never happy now. I've been miserable ever since we've been broken up. I don't want to lose him, but a relationship I think is completely out of the Q. He recently went out of town and because I haven't contacted him(I stopped paying for a cellphone like over 4months now I think)and now he's making me feel guilty. "Alright... it's okay I understand. I read through your hugs and it's making sense now... I really needed to talk and you didn't even try and you're hung up on other things. Hope things go well for you" That's what he told me. He always does this hot and cold shit and I'm completely tired of it. I'm reaching that point, as you can tell by what he says, where I just don't care to talk to him anymore because I'll play the clingy person, but he won't respond because "he's busy", but then when I don't chat him up then it's "oh my god, I wanna talk to you so bad. why aren't you talking to me." No. I don't play fucking head games. Not anymore. Sorry this was so long.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It sounds like he's either confused about what he wants or he's being manipulative. I'd say the best thing to do would be to confront him about all this straight up, ask him why he's acting this way. You're right about not blaming yourself for this, because it isn't your fault. I'm really sorry that you are suffering this much because of someone else. I know how you feel about wanting to lose your virginity to "the one", but I hope you are not forcing yourself to believe he is the one simply because you lost your virginity to him. It's much more important to be with someone who truly cares about you than to be with the person you lost your virginity to.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, as I'm not trying to be.

There's a school of thinking that says others may cause us pain but is our own actions that perpetuate our suffering. (it's a part of acceptance and commitment therapy). I see this in you. No, I'm not blaming you, however you keep going back to a jerk. Because of this I do believe you play a part in your own pain.

You keep going back to him, thinking that he's going to change. The truth is that he's probably not. It seems that you can't accept that he's not the night in shining armor to whom you lost your virginity. I don't know why, but society perpetuates this myth that sex is so fantastic and that your first time is going to be magical and that females should give this "gift" to someone truly special. Well, it rarely works out that way, and when it doesn't, we feel a huge let down. Yes, sex can be great, but it's not the end all and be all of life.

Long/short, get rid of this jerk as keeping him around is delaying your healing. Once you can accept the reality of things, moving on will be a bit easier.
roseBud23
roseBud23
dear rainBows, it sounds like you've got a very onesided relationship, one where you've been completley supportive and the person has been playing the manipulitive passive agressive one. In the end "he's just not that into you" rings true. I'm sorry for the betrayal of trust and turmoil this selfish person has put you through. In the end you wont win in this non-exsiting relationship you've invested so much in. I know how much it hurts to admit you've invested so much and gotten zero in return but realizing it now is healthier and better for you in the long run. Cut your losses and allow yourself to break free of this distructive pattern. He's not worthy of you, and will never change or realize how much you've invested is worth anything to him. Just because he's a horrible person of course, not because you're not worthy of it. You are! You are worthy of a person being there for you, of someone who feels deeply for you and wants you at his side just because (not just because he's expecting something of you). Remember you teach peaople how to treat you... cut this person out of your life and teach him that you will not allow for him to treat you this way anymore.

Good luck to you, and many hugs.
koolman
koolman
Work on yourself. Exercise. Read, as you're doing here. Put your head and heart somewhere new.
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