Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,961 Members
13,641 Posts
2 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Healthy Relationships Support Group

Is It Worth Fighting Alone?

LostRose
LostRose

Hello everyone, I am new to this and I feel so lost right now. I am trying to deal with the reality that my wife no longer wants to be with me. I made mistakes by pushing her away. I made her think I didn't want her. I owned up to all of the things I have done. I started opening up to her, being there for her in every way, working on my own personal issues of insecurities within myself. I have gone out of my way to uncover root problems that make me distant and cold. I am guilty of making her feel unwanted. I never hit her, cheated on her, or let her do without, but I hurt her by pushing her away. It has been a month now, and I still have held it together, and worked on myself. Every day she gets more distant. She openly says she will not be with me. She smiles at things then acts like everything is fine when I am emotionally wrecked. I asked her how it is so easy for her to let me go. She said it isn't easy it only seems like it is. I try to give her space. I try to make it right. I remind her that she is wanted very much. Nothing seems to matter. Every day she grows more distant than before. It seems almost as if she finds some sort of pleasure in seeing me hurting now. I admitted my mistakes, and have taken full responsibility for them. Every single second I work on improving myself to allow myself to be more open. It is hard to keep this up because she keeps rejecting me and my efforts. I cannot handle her crushing me like this. I have come so far on my personal journey. I just want to know if it is worth fighting for someone who doesn't want you anymore. I want her, this I know. I ask her if she could ever love me again and she just says she doesn't know. I found out she has vented to other people about me, and that she started being friends with someone who was very disrespectful to me in the past. She has said some very mean things about me and to me. When I asked her why she was being mean to me she said she wasn't but if I wanted she could be. This hurts so much because I truly love this person. I love her very much. I know I made mistakes, but do I truly deserve this? Am I out of my mind to want to fight for her? I feel like we belong together. I wish I could make sense of this. I hear people go on and on about how they would love it if the person they loved tried to make things right and showed that they really do care. Here I am trying... Any thoughts? I just want the love of my life to want me again. How can you possibly make someone who claimed to always love and want you keep their word?

AgentSmith
AgentSmith
On one hand, you claim to take full responsibility for pushing her away. But then you end your post by blaming her for not keeping her word that'd she'd always love you. That's not really how love works. You can only push someone so far before they eventually give up. Maybe she already reached that point. It's not surprising that she went to others to talk about her marital problems when you, admittedly, were not there for her. It's great that you're starting to take some responsibility for your behavior but I don't think you're fully accepting the consequences of your behavior. A lot of your post sounds like you're blaming her and resenting her. And I'm sure she's not perfect either but you can only deal with your part. Work on you and don't worry about the rest. If she comes around, great.
rmb
rmb
Over the course of a month you've made a complete 18o and think now all should be right in her world? That is just not realistic. She will need more time to sort out her feelings and determine if she can trust that you've changed and whether it's enough for her.

It probably took a long time for things to go south in your relationship, so it stands to reason it could take time to build it back up.

Be proud of yourself for making changes but I agree with AgentSmith, to keep working on yourself. Time will tell how things willl play out.
koolman
koolman
She may or may not want you again. The main thing is to untangle this web of making your whole reason for existence making her want you. Once you become more self-sufficient, mentally and emotionally healthy, able to look upon her from a more logical perspective, I think she'll RESPECT you more. Right now, you're tangled up in a web of thinking you can control her. That is not love. And she's responding in an appropriately hostile fashion, because she doesn't want to be controlled and manipulated. When you truly love something, you set it free. I know you're lonely and this hurts like hell, but you need to untangle this web of the desire to control her that is in your gut. Be there for her merely for gentle guidance and support if she needs it.
koolman
koolman
The short answer to your question: NO.
rmb
rmb
Also, it wasn't clear to.me when I first read this if you were literally no longer together, or you were still together but she was considering ending it. If you are no longer together and she ended it and seems disinterested in reconciliation, I would try to accept that.
racinggirl
racinggirl
I agree with everyone else. I have been on the other end of this. Your story sounds very similar. My ex only decided to work on himself, after I left. After 3 years, he contacted me to let me know that he was better now.... Like another poster stated, how would I know that? And like she said, it took a long time of fighting to make our marriage work while I was being hurt, before I gave up because I couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes once you get to that point where you have fought the fight with everything you can, and you still lose... you get to a point where the damage is done. Nothing can change that. You can forgive, but not forget. I was truly happy that he had changed, and bettered himself- but the truth is, even though we had a love like no other, I'm not sure I could ever trust that this was 100% real, and that he wouldn't go back to the way he was. Your wife may feel the same, and may not believe you 100% especially since its only been a month. I mean geez- think about it like this; you are getting tired of fighting for her affection after only a month... Imagine how she feels, fighting for you for so long. You have to realize that after so long, your light burns out. I hope I'm wrong, for your sake... but I do wish you the best. Good Luck
Lenoire
Lenoire
What happened between you and your wife, for you to all of a sudden, in your marriage, decide to push her away, become distant with her, and make her believe you didn't want her, for a month? Am I missing something? There seems to be a chunk missing here. You say you've owned up to all of the things that you've done, what are these things you mention?
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • GreenEyes727

    Caricatures

    Posted by: GreenEyes727
    Last Reply: Tired
    6
    Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
  • GreenEyes727

    Truths

    Posted by: GreenEyes727
    Last Reply: GreenEyes727
    14
    We all have 24 hours in a day.  How we spend these hours is important.  Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do.  Gonna have to work on that.Your turn.  Tell me another truth.