Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi friends,
I've never posted a question here, but it's time.
The short version is this: I've been best friends with a man for 15 years. We'd meet for coffee at Borders and talk about challenges in life, laugh at ourselves...
He's now left his (2nd) wife of 10 years. (She wants separateness in the marriage- separate friends, social lives, houses. But she is lovely too.) He and I have been flirting and dreaming of being together for a year or so, but neither of us acted on it. It would have been wrong.
Now we've been swept up in each others' arms. We tried to be careful about going slowly, etc, but...
My question is this: I trust this man implicitly. I can share anything at all with him, and ask anything too. I know him really, really well. We have similar hopes, senses of humor, hurts, levels of honesty, interests- you name it. Our backgrounds are different though- I am lower middle class, and he was raised pretty wealthy.
He has earned my trust- but I am still feeling wiggly about the relationship: he's just 8 weeks or so into a separation. He tells me that he loves me. He also says, once in a while- through tears- that his greatest fear is that he'll let me go.
I know that it's very early for him to be moving forward. But we are long friends. ***What do you think? Am I going to end up with a rebound affair and lose my 15 year best friend, or is this a real relationship because we are already so close? ****
Thanks! Cecilia
I've never posted a question here, but it's time.
The short version is this: I've been best friends with a man for 15 years. We'd meet for coffee at Borders and talk about challenges in life, laugh at ourselves...
He's now left his (2nd) wife of 10 years. (She wants separateness in the marriage- separate friends, social lives, houses. But she is lovely too.) He and I have been flirting and dreaming of being together for a year or so, but neither of us acted on it. It would have been wrong.
Now we've been swept up in each others' arms. We tried to be careful about going slowly, etc, but...
My question is this: I trust this man implicitly. I can share anything at all with him, and ask anything too. I know him really, really well. We have similar hopes, senses of humor, hurts, levels of honesty, interests- you name it. Our backgrounds are different though- I am lower middle class, and he was raised pretty wealthy.
He has earned my trust- but I am still feeling wiggly about the relationship: he's just 8 weeks or so into a separation. He tells me that he loves me. He also says, once in a while- through tears- that his greatest fear is that he'll let me go.
I know that it's very early for him to be moving forward. But we are long friends. ***What do you think? Am I going to end up with a rebound affair and lose my 15 year best friend, or is this a real relationship because we are already so close? ****
Thanks! Cecilia
You don't want this friendship to end because of well meaning feelings. I believe you do feel it may be too soon. At this time you want to be his friend but not get hurt in the process. Now that you've been physical I suggest you watch out for your heart. Understand that the physical part of your relationship may be what he needs right now but you should maintain your concerns about it being a more perminent situation. Be careful. It's easy to be with a close friend sometimes. They understand you and won't judge. If it's true then it will be there when his heart feels better.
We tried to give it time, and it didn't work- rather- I didn't stick to a boundary that we both put up there.
I do know better. But now that the door has been opened it is so much harder to shut it.... The physical door is easier to close than the heart door. Are you guys advising to shut down the physical part, to continue, but to guard my heart from free-falling into him, or both?
It's so much easier to see clearly when you are looking at someone else's life and not your own.... I reeeeeally, really appreciate this!!!
: ) Cecilia
We talk a whole lot, and he is both honest and kind and we both say the things that need to be said.
Thanks. I am going to go slowly on the inside, at least, and keep the communication going. I think that I'll only lose my friendship with him if I walk away from it.
: ) You guys rock. Cecilia
If you want you can read my journal....
Ive got mixed feelings as well, mine is not as complicated as yours, but maybe you can relate.
Good luck. It's a confusing time for both of us.
Be careful; you're rebounding. So many of us have been there. You may want to try spending sometime healing from your marriage a little more.
If he fears "letting you go", that is exactly what will happen. I say enjoy the moment and try not to get too attached with delusions of lifelong happiness with this man. Give your whole heart to him today, but be prepared to let go if and when he does. Maybe it'll go the distance. Maybe he'll leave tomorrow. Enjoy today!