Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Ok I know I am gonna come off sounding arrogant by saying this but I am an above average looking lesbian whose in love with an overweight girl and I work as a fashion stylist/designer while my girlfriend is in the banking industry. We're about as different as day and night but somehow we manage to find each other.
Lately my girlfriend has been accusing me of being an attention whore, she thinks my fashion sensibilities and the way I look is asking for unnecessary attention. Honestly I feel this is coming from her own insecurities about me because she is overweight (which was never the issue for me). I feel this is completely unjustified as I have been the way I have been for as long as I've had this career (10 years). I am not sure how I can pacify her while maintaining what is essentially myself.
Also as this relationship grows longer while there are happy times, I sense an underlying fear in her. Her insecurities are being more and more apparent to me and its becoming very tiring to pacify her. Small things set her off. When I ask her if she is too tired to come over to my place she assumes that I don't want to see her. Or when I suddenly change my plans to have dinner with my family she accuses me of not telling her what's going on in my life.
On top of all that our arguements are becoming more frequent over very small minute things that just leads to old wounds and eventually she would throw the break up card at me. Whether she meant it or she was just testing me I don't know.
I understand why she would feel this way but I also think its getting out of hand. On top of that I have to swallow my pride about her strange 'friendship' with another girl which I have posted a weeks back asking for advice.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Healthy_Relationships/advice/18003233-more-than-friendly-friend
Now I know I sound like I am vilifying her as some crazy insecure gf but I know I fell in love with her for good reasons. She's completely different from all the other girls I dated before (my exes were all art school types or people in the alternative scene). She just seemed like that sort that was good for me and gave me the attention I needed to feel loved. And I know she's got a good head on her shoulders in that she has a goal in life.
I feel rather emotionally drained and I have been contemplating leaving her even tho I do love her. Its just that I've had too many long dragged out painful relationships and I'm not ready to be committed to another one only to waste my heart away. How can I make her feel safe and still remain as me?
Thank you for reading. :)
Lately my girlfriend has been accusing me of being an attention whore, she thinks my fashion sensibilities and the way I look is asking for unnecessary attention. Honestly I feel this is coming from her own insecurities about me because she is overweight (which was never the issue for me). I feel this is completely unjustified as I have been the way I have been for as long as I've had this career (10 years). I am not sure how I can pacify her while maintaining what is essentially myself.
Also as this relationship grows longer while there are happy times, I sense an underlying fear in her. Her insecurities are being more and more apparent to me and its becoming very tiring to pacify her. Small things set her off. When I ask her if she is too tired to come over to my place she assumes that I don't want to see her. Or when I suddenly change my plans to have dinner with my family she accuses me of not telling her what's going on in my life.
On top of all that our arguements are becoming more frequent over very small minute things that just leads to old wounds and eventually she would throw the break up card at me. Whether she meant it or she was just testing me I don't know.
I understand why she would feel this way but I also think its getting out of hand. On top of that I have to swallow my pride about her strange 'friendship' with another girl which I have posted a weeks back asking for advice.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Healthy_Relationships/advice/18003233-more-than-friendly-friend
Now I know I sound like I am vilifying her as some crazy insecure gf but I know I fell in love with her for good reasons. She's completely different from all the other girls I dated before (my exes were all art school types or people in the alternative scene). She just seemed like that sort that was good for me and gave me the attention I needed to feel loved. And I know she's got a good head on her shoulders in that she has a goal in life.
I feel rather emotionally drained and I have been contemplating leaving her even tho I do love her. Its just that I've had too many long dragged out painful relationships and I'm not ready to be committed to another one only to waste my heart away. How can I make her feel safe and still remain as me?
Thank you for reading. :)
Some people dont know how to do it because they may remember th feeling they got from a certain event but they cant remember, analyze and express anything about the event(s) itself.
You may have to ask her questions and she needs to answer them yes or no to get to the bottom of this, otherwise i dont see an other option besides therapy..
Two people in a new relationship. Person 1 has someone flirt with her at a public venue, doesnt respond, but clearly likes it. Person 2 had an ex who was a player and a cheater. Person 2 sees this event and has some memories surface that put her in a bad mood, she spins all kinds of crap in her head for days and starts getting aggravated every time she sees someone calling or flirting with person 1. So instead of talking about it openly person 1 is always pissed off and wants constant validation thay she is the only one.
I think you know the answer to that question
so I wonder what your statement is behind the question
what is it you just want to claim?
and what request is it you want to make?
I would sit her down and make it very clear to her that you love her and aren't going anywhere.
Perhaps you can also encourage her to lose weight and she will feel better about her self.
I have already sat down and talked to her several times about this matter. It would always end with me thinking she gets it but then a few days later she would start insinuating that I am being an attention whore or that I have intentions to cheat....
So i really don't know what to do anymore. *sigh*
for most of my teen and adult life I was very attractive an have the kick ass personality to go with it .. but it wasnt till the last few yrs ive gained weight that I realized how much better looking I was then...example.
the first guy I dated n lost my virginity to ( bad in terms of age difference I was 14 him 24) ... but we "dated" till I was about 30. I dont know how I managed the level of maturity I did with him..because somehow even when he dated other women..called me and told me about hus sex experiences with them..I always listened , said nothing...then hung up n cried. I didnt feel I was good enough for him..I wasnt as attractive as the others...bla blah....well he texted me this evening..n I asked him if he had sex with one of my old friends ( he mentioned in a pic she postd on fb that it was from the time frame he met her at my house) .so I wondered...anyway..he asked y I wanted to know n I told him I was jealous..he said he had no idea I wanted to "be" with him...I told him he made me cry n I never told him...he said I should have opened my mouth he thought I didnt want to committ to him...
sorrry rambling...but it made me wonder. he is married now ( finally settled down lol) with a kid...n it made me wonder what might have been . he was a big part of my life
point of my ramble is this
self esteem issues are tough..they exist sometimes for no good reason and no amount of compliments ot reassurances can make the issue die...she has to work on her self. she is the one who makes her self believe shes not good enough. n u can talk till ur blue in the face she will still have that fear ull find someone better suited for u
therapy is a good start. n read her my ramble. tell her she could in fact be losing out on something that might be beautiful because her self loathing is making her paranoid.
well dont be that harsh..u get what I mean
good luck
:-) :-)
Sounds like she's trying to drag you down to her ugly, fat, unattractive level, because she wants to create her clone. Don't worry about pacifyng her; dress and look as attractive as you wish, to attract someone else, who is more worthy of your attention!
Whatever this turns out to this woman will eventually see, more, that you are proof she is a lovable person.
Have you given much emphasis, in talking, to your admiration of her levelheadedness?
Beauty is skin deep. Those who know us well..look beyond.
good luck . :) . . Caleb
AND, .. Maybe this is a phase things have to go through.
(The Chinese word for crisis has "opportunity" as part of the notion. When a tight time comes, that is a time especially fraught with possibility for growth.)
my best,
Caleb
Why would you call someones partner fat, ugly and unattractive - and say that theyre not worthy of the OPs attention?