Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Investment

rampage
rampage

I feel that I am the only one in my relationship who invests in both of us spending time together. My husband doesn't spend quality time with me, when he is with me he is either with a laptop in his hand or spends time doing DIY or going out with other people. He never arranges time for us to do something together or to talk to me. I feel truly alone and sad, when I try to talk to him about it, he doesn't make any effort about it or try to understand where I am coming from in my point of view. Its as though I am no longer his priority or focus in life, and I am very unhappy with that situation. I feel the best thing to do is to focus on myself and spend time with other people rather than with him, because when I say anything or express anything it doesn't seem to go anywhere or matter. 

arfie
arfie
I like your plan, Rampage. It's worked for me (mostly) for 38 years and has taken me some much more interesting places than sitting in the living room waiting for hubby to notice me. Some of those places were so interesting that hubs decided to follow. Those were GREAT vacations.
MrCellophane
MrCellophane
I'm going to have to disagree with your passive aggressive plan to use reverse psychology to fix your husband. Obviously something has to change, but rarely is not communicating a good way to foster communication.

Have you ever tried having a conversation with someone where they speak one language, and you speak another? That's basically what you and your husband have been doing. If you are saying "I'M LONELY AND SAD!" in Portuguese and you're husband doesn't understand that language, your message will not be understood no matter how many times you say it.

You two need a translator. That's where therapy and counseling would probably be really helpful. I suspect he is trying to communicate something to you as well, but you don't speak Hungarian.
rmb
rmb
Well I think it’s actually ok to take a step back, focus on yourself and spend time with others as a means to reset so you don’t feel so frustrated, so you can get some clarity and reflect on the situation. Sometimes I actually can’t have a meaningful conversation with my spouse about my feelings or even hear him when I’m upset about something until I’ve had time to reflect on the problem and have had a chance to look at things a bit more objectively.
zeezee
zeezee
I agree with the others' responses. Go get yourself busy with friends or find your passion in something, but don't do it to get back at him. Because you invested so much of your time on your husband, you find it demotivating that you're not getting as much in return. But sometimes, that's just how some men are! I hate putting it that way but that's just it. My husband is the same way too. He would leave it up to me to do all the planning and all he would do is to get us there or be present. It doesn't make him love you less though, he just suck at doing what you wish he would. Accept it as his weakness and focus on his good qualities :)

PS: I enjoy most of my time out with my friends without my husband. In a way, it's refreshing and I think it's healthy to break away from him and just have some 'me' time. And yes, I do miss him when I'm away from him!
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