Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time.. How do you think it got to this stage?
I imagine both of you have some difficult past to deal with. It always spills into relationship it seems.

Are you physically affectionate at all? Holding hands, hugging, etc?

She was abused as a child. Until we moved in together these was no signs that it affected her. As soon as we moved in everything changed. There is no intimacy. She understands its an issue we both want our relationship to work. I couldn't imagine my life without her. But i feel like I've got a roommate not even my best friend any more.... its frustrating... we've been arguing about it for years now. It is finally to the point i think that she realizes that she'll eventually lose me if she doesn't Take steps to change... im emotionally exhausted... it gets tiring to beg for a partner to be one. There is more to life than making sure the bills are paid...

Try to just relax, enjoy talking with her and snuggling with her...without any hope of hanky-panky. Maybe she'll get comfortable in the idea eventually.

I will say this: Living together 7 days a week brings out the demon, and maybe she's scared of your demon.

Not sure what your trying to say "afraid of my demon." This is the only issue we have between us... we love each other and don't act abusive towards each other. She is a very strong minded women and he she doesn't mind telling me. It is done lovely not to speak ill of her. I came here looking for some positive support. I have gone on a different groups for partners for abuse victims and found it mostly filled with very little hope... we have no plans on giving up on each other. Maybe i was looking for advise in the wrong place.

Does it always have to be intimacy? I mean, if that's exactly what you're looking for, then I don't know what to tell you

Wow. Intimacy is not always sex. We don't have either. I was looking for some sort of hope form this group. I joined here to get that and understanding. Seems there is neither. Good luck to you all. I need to find hope. Not hopelessness or to feel attacked because i want a normal part of a relationship. Thanks a bunch. Im leaving this site.

What I meant was maybe sex stirs up some kind of demon in her due to her past unhealthy sexual experiences, but since you're not around anymore to read this...bye...and good luck.

BTW, I for one am not attacking you, I'm merely probing to ascertain the problem. Does she flinch when you touch her? Are you as argumentative with her as you are with us? Is she argumentative with you too? That might have something to do with this intimacy problem. Anger might be getting in the way of intimacy.

In which case, if you're looking for hope, then try to calm down, relax, and hope will find you.

You are likely involved with a person who has a lot of baggage .
I dont know all the details but i can only assume that her trauma was severe enough to mistrust every person around her. People with this kind of trauma are usully more afraid of those they love than those they do not, and the more she loves you, the more withdrawn she may become. This would make sense why things are getting worse. Besides that, i dont know how secure and comfortable she is in being a lesbian. If she has some internal conflict about this, i m sure it is contributing to the problem.
The second issue believe it or not is you. I don't know you, but i have a hunch that you have also sustained some serious trauma in your life and it makes you more aware and more sensitive to rejection by the person you love, so the more rejection your gf shows you, the more it hurts.
I believe in many cases , people who had childhood trauma or shitty parents, take perceived rejection much closer to heart than people who have been shown love and care as kids. Adult rejection digs into all these little places in your heart that you try not to re-visit and then all of them ache at once, because the person you love just reminded you how much it sucked when you were little and it makes one feel really really helpless and hopeless.
I don't have an answer on how to fix this. I think it is reasonable to expect your partner to show you affection, emotion, physical touching.
If you truly love each other , counseling may be the only way and as long as you both agree that each of you have issues that cause a common relationship problem, things will eventually resolve.
If not, you deserve to be happy with someone else.

I am pretty sure sex comes after marriage. I am not saying that is a common pattern today, but it could have some relevance on her closeness to you. I am not sure why you are not married, having been together this long, but have to wonder if part of the issue is her feeling like you don't love her enough to make her an honest woman and do things in the way God has intended. You need to speak to thee Counselor and that is God and if you both draw near to Him, He will give you all of your desires if they are His will, I am not trying to judge, I have had my fair share of interludes as well, but having given my life to God, I have found out that intimacy comes on many levels, not just sex, respect is a great show of love.

HisSinger, did you happen to read anything else in this thread?
It is like nothing else exists outside outside of your world.
This woman was abused as a child and if God could solve everything, there would not be doctors, psychiatrists and medications.

Orphanannie... so sorry you didn't find support. sometimes it feels better to hear how others experience the same loneliness/rejection -especially while living with your partner. I have had this loss in my marriage. It can feel hopeless and so sad to have lost something, and scary as you fear about a future of endless disconnection or fear making painful decisions like separation.

New book called "Love Cycles" might help in that it explains normal cycles of relationships and this is a normal one (even if trauma issues not "normal"). The hopeful part is that intimacy (not necessarily sex) often returns. Ted talk "Mating in Captivity" is really good, helping us see maybe we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and partners.

I know couples counseling is also really really really helpful -- any therapy is useful for any individual, because a therapist has total sympathy/support for the client -- YOU -- and helps you understand (not BLAME) yourself and teaches you tools for coping.

One thought -- I used to avoid intimacy because I feared the expectation of sex (which I didn't have energy for). I wonder if you had a "no sex expectation" couch cuddle with a movie, if that is possible. I also know there is therapy that focuses almost exclusively on rebuilding intimacy rather than going through family histories...

Staying happy and coping with daily struggle is just plain hard and often so lonely. I feel your pain.