Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I had kind of a rough weekend in the relationship field. I went out with this guy I like for the 5th time on Friday. I've been pretty pumped about hanging out with him because I had a really bad breakup in August and was feeling pretty bleak there for awhile. This new guy kind of took me by surprise and I've really enjoyed spending time with him.
I'm just not sure how he's been feeling. The last few times we've hung out, it's just been getting drinks, which we probably both had too much of. I did sleep with him after the third date, but we've gone out a couple times past that and it seemed fine. It's frustrating to figure out where in a new relationship you're okay to start sleeping with each other. Some say the third date is fine, others say it's too early, and still others say that holding out for TOO long will make the guy lose interest because he doesn't think you're into him.
I asked if he wanted to hang out on Saturday, but he was at a game with his family. I took a chance and invited him to lunch with my friends on Sunday, but he said he had church and then dinner with his family (which is fine, I understand that.) He hasnt said anything since declining both times. I know it's new and we don't need to be talking all day, every day or spending every day together, but I feel a little brushed off.
I went out with friends on Saturday and I ran into my ex, the bad breakup one. He was with another girl. I kind of panicked and just got the hell out of there, which I regret. I should have just held my ground and not allowed myself to be run out of the place. I'm seeing someone else, how surprised or hurt should I really be that he's doing the same. I was really rattled and had a hard time calming down.
On top of that, I go to work this morning and I see a different ex walking around my office building. No idea what he was even doing there, we're in two completely different professional fields. I ducked my head and hoped he didn't see me. I broke things off with him years ago and he's never really forgiven me for that.
I think I've just been really overwhelmed the last few days. I want something to work out with the one guy but I'm not sure we're on the same page, ran into my ex that hurt me more than anyone else ever has, and then run into someone that I may have done the exact same thing to. I've been feeling a little lonely and rejected all weekend and I thought I had gotten past all those emotions awhile back. Uughhhhh, what a mess.
I'm just not sure how he's been feeling. The last few times we've hung out, it's just been getting drinks, which we probably both had too much of. I did sleep with him after the third date, but we've gone out a couple times past that and it seemed fine. It's frustrating to figure out where in a new relationship you're okay to start sleeping with each other. Some say the third date is fine, others say it's too early, and still others say that holding out for TOO long will make the guy lose interest because he doesn't think you're into him.
I asked if he wanted to hang out on Saturday, but he was at a game with his family. I took a chance and invited him to lunch with my friends on Sunday, but he said he had church and then dinner with his family (which is fine, I understand that.) He hasnt said anything since declining both times. I know it's new and we don't need to be talking all day, every day or spending every day together, but I feel a little brushed off.
I went out with friends on Saturday and I ran into my ex, the bad breakup one. He was with another girl. I kind of panicked and just got the hell out of there, which I regret. I should have just held my ground and not allowed myself to be run out of the place. I'm seeing someone else, how surprised or hurt should I really be that he's doing the same. I was really rattled and had a hard time calming down.
On top of that, I go to work this morning and I see a different ex walking around my office building. No idea what he was even doing there, we're in two completely different professional fields. I ducked my head and hoped he didn't see me. I broke things off with him years ago and he's never really forgiven me for that.
I think I've just been really overwhelmed the last few days. I want something to work out with the one guy but I'm not sure we're on the same page, ran into my ex that hurt me more than anyone else ever has, and then run into someone that I may have done the exact same thing to. I've been feeling a little lonely and rejected all weekend and I thought I had gotten past all those emotions awhile back. Uughhhhh, what a mess.
" If you don't want this, it's your loss"
I wouldn't call or make any effort from this guy. It's time for him to make all the effort. If he does contact you, make sure you don't have sex again at the next meeting unless it's what YOU really want, because you want some sex, not because in any way shape or form you think sex will get you a "relationship"
I'm giving you the same advice I give to my daughter ( who is in her first year of college)
As women we have made progress in knocking down the double standard. progress, but it is still there. If you want to have sex for the physical sensation just like a man, then by all means do it, but be prepared for that little voice from your soul that will be very hurt when the guy doesn't want some more. Being just a booty call is soul crushing no matter how progressive we want to be and might pretend to be.
I don't want to read you've "ducked your head" for anyone! Practice self care. work out, eat right and do your best, till you can say " there is no shame in my game" and really believe it.
Don't ask yourself "Do they like me" You're not "worth more" if some random dude wants more dates. What is it about HIM that you really like? Is he really that special? or are you just feeling rejected?
sending positive "vibes" your way.
are you dating casually or looking for something serious?
If the guy is dating you casually he will not come around your family and friends and you probably should do the same.
If you see a potential for a relationship, let him know that you like him more than just a casual hook up and don't sleep with him until you are sure that both of you feel the same.
Either way, things need to be discussed. There is nothing wrong with asking questions
I really like the guy because after the first two dates, I was amazed at how often I laughed with him. Humor is such a key thing for me and it was like I didn't stop smiling for absolute hours on end. Considering I almost blew the guy off to start with made it all the more surprising.
You say you had sex with him on the third date. Nowadays a lot of people don't even wait that long, so I'm not criticizing your morality. But as soon as you have sex with a man, you secrete those "bonding" hormones. You want love. He may have thought the sex was premature. It may have been more than he expected at this early stage. But you did sleep with him already. The "power" has shifted to him. You care more, most likely, than he does. Men do not commit easily, in my experience. And once sex begins, it can become the focus of their interest.
Next time, let a man WOO you a little longer. Get to know him better. See what he will offer you in the way of commitment. Let it come from him first.
"Most women "jinx" a budding relationship by expecting things to move too fast toward commitment. And men can "jinx" a relationship by expecting sex too soon and then relegating the woman to a booty call."
I find there is a lot of truth to this, and it doesn't just apply to intimate relationships, but to many types of relationships where one wants to move quicker than the other for purported reasons.
ShastaSue's perspective about practicing some self care is paramount, at all times. If at any point you are feeling like someone you're interested in doesn't reciprocate your feelings, it's time to go back to square one to recognize and reiterate one's self worth.
When one has to adjust their modus operandi because of someone else's actions or lack thereof, it's time to reassess why they are feeling that way, and what landed you there.
Regarding seeing your two exes, it may be the universe telling you that perhaps you are not as ready as you think, and have some issues that you need to resolve.
Regarding the sleeping with him thing, do you mean to say you had intercourse, or did you just have some intimate fun and stayed the night? Either way, no one is going to judge you, but at the end of the day, you have to be the one who makes the decision as to what is and is not acceptable or comfortable for you.
Don't do anything that you think will advance your situation with someone unless it's completely what you want to do. If he's going to run because you haven't put the whole roast out on the platter, then so be it, he wasn't right for you.
Don't second guess yourself, or him, people have busy lives and they aren't thinking about you as much as they are concerned with themselves. So as long as you are taking care of yourself and your needs, the rest should fall into place, if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.
I wish you well.
i'm told I am "old fashioned", but hey, I've been around the block once or twice. lol If you are looking for a serious relationship, I advise taking more time to get to know the person. Rather than 2 or 3 dates, consider 2 or 3 months. I know when we want something we want it overnight, but it's worth the wait, and you'll see if he maintains the same personality.
Also, if a man loses interest in you because you didn't have sex with him right away, that is all he wanted in the first place!!!! So that is why I firmly believe waiting to have sex with a person is the right thing to do. You can wean out the creeps that all they want to do is tell you lies, and tales just to get in your pants.
I hope you have better luck with relationships.