Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I don't feel that I have ever had a healthy relationship, but I don't know why. My parents were fine, not perfect, but they did the best they could. No abuse in my childhood. So I can't look to that for answers.
I got pregnant at 15, had a baby at 16. Boyfriend left me (of course) and I had another baby with someone else at 18. He physically, verbally, emotionally and mentally battered me. That was one of the worst relationships I have ever had, it messed me up in so many ways. He did a lot of horrible things in our relationship.
Shortly after that relationship is when I met my husband and we were both recovering from bad relationships. He was going through a divorce and I had just left my ex. I thought this new guy was perfect for me. After we officially started dating though, he had an issue with his ex that kind of messed with his head. He broke up with me because he said he didn't know what he wanted. Then he got invited on a trip by another girl and left the country for a month to be with this other girl. It broke my heart because I was still in love with him. He came back and said he realized he wanted to be with me, but he kept in touch with the other girl for quite a while. The whole thing really hurt.
We ended up getting married on the spur of the moment. He didn't do anything romantic to propose, just kind of suggested the idea and I said okay, so 2 days later we got married. I always wished he would have done something memorable, but he makes me feel horrible if I bring that up, so I don't talk about it.
Anyway, I feel like he has always kind of been hanging on to other people. Like I said, he was going through a divorce when we met, so he still wanted to be with his ex. Then he got over that and got together with me only to leave me to be with someone else. Then we get back together and he tries to get back together with another girl. It just seems he is always looking somewhere else.
I feel I have to have some responsibility in this. If he is looking elsewhere, it is probably because I lack something he needs.
I feel ridiculous a lot of the time. I care about stupid things that apparently I shouldn't even be worried about... Romance is apparently a stupid thing to hope for. I didn't realize this. For example, this morning when we said goodbye, he hugged me and kissed my neck and that meant the world to me. He doesn't usually do things like that, and I loved it. But I would feel ridiculous if I told HIM it meant so much to me. Putting emphasis on it would ruin it. I don't know how to not care about those things...
So, I guess that is my question. How do you stop caring? Not that I want to not care about my husband, just the things he does. How do I stop caring about how he looks at me or how he touches me or what he says to me? I don't know how to do that? What does a grown-up, healthy adult marriage relationship look like? Is it really just husband going to work and wife taking care of the house and that is the "love" we have for each other? Is that marriage? Like, you just get married and that means a mutual decision that one person will handle this part of life and this person will handle that part of life and that means a happy marriage? What is supposed to exist between two people in a marriage? Seriously, I am confused. I obviously have no concept of a healthy relationship, so I don't really know what is expected of me in a marriage or what I should expect realistically of my husband.
I got pregnant at 15, had a baby at 16. Boyfriend left me (of course) and I had another baby with someone else at 18. He physically, verbally, emotionally and mentally battered me. That was one of the worst relationships I have ever had, it messed me up in so many ways. He did a lot of horrible things in our relationship.
Shortly after that relationship is when I met my husband and we were both recovering from bad relationships. He was going through a divorce and I had just left my ex. I thought this new guy was perfect for me. After we officially started dating though, he had an issue with his ex that kind of messed with his head. He broke up with me because he said he didn't know what he wanted. Then he got invited on a trip by another girl and left the country for a month to be with this other girl. It broke my heart because I was still in love with him. He came back and said he realized he wanted to be with me, but he kept in touch with the other girl for quite a while. The whole thing really hurt.
We ended up getting married on the spur of the moment. He didn't do anything romantic to propose, just kind of suggested the idea and I said okay, so 2 days later we got married. I always wished he would have done something memorable, but he makes me feel horrible if I bring that up, so I don't talk about it.
Anyway, I feel like he has always kind of been hanging on to other people. Like I said, he was going through a divorce when we met, so he still wanted to be with his ex. Then he got over that and got together with me only to leave me to be with someone else. Then we get back together and he tries to get back together with another girl. It just seems he is always looking somewhere else.
I feel I have to have some responsibility in this. If he is looking elsewhere, it is probably because I lack something he needs.
I feel ridiculous a lot of the time. I care about stupid things that apparently I shouldn't even be worried about... Romance is apparently a stupid thing to hope for. I didn't realize this. For example, this morning when we said goodbye, he hugged me and kissed my neck and that meant the world to me. He doesn't usually do things like that, and I loved it. But I would feel ridiculous if I told HIM it meant so much to me. Putting emphasis on it would ruin it. I don't know how to not care about those things...
So, I guess that is my question. How do you stop caring? Not that I want to not care about my husband, just the things he does. How do I stop caring about how he looks at me or how he touches me or what he says to me? I don't know how to do that? What does a grown-up, healthy adult marriage relationship look like? Is it really just husband going to work and wife taking care of the house and that is the "love" we have for each other? Is that marriage? Like, you just get married and that means a mutual decision that one person will handle this part of life and this person will handle that part of life and that means a happy marriage? What is supposed to exist between two people in a marriage? Seriously, I am confused. I obviously have no concept of a healthy relationship, so I don't really know what is expected of me in a marriage or what I should expect realistically of my husband.
If he avoids the small talk which l don't believe this is, then does he speak when its needed on even more worrying topics? Feeling loved and cared for by being hugged and touched, hand holding and flowers is almost like a man speaking 'girl talk' to me, its what most of us need to feel secure and happy on one level without it we do wonder who's hand is he holding if it isn't ours.
Crazy questions will filter into our heads so don't feel you are any different, l personally couldn't be with a man who couldn't be tender, surprise me with a kiss or a rose etc... Your hubby seems little lost when it comes to relationships now and l wonder if he holds th thought that he may have rushed into a 2nd marriage too soon. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you but that he's scared of being hurt again so is running away, wanting to keep contact with the other woman not wanting to get too cose to you so you can never hurt him so deeply.
But where does that leave you, trying to change for him....scared to speak about emotional needs....possibly wondering too if he rushed into this marriage through guilt of leaving you for another woman....scared to be alone? If it was a friend telling you this story of her life what advice would you give her, because if you are with a man who won't allow you to speak through fear he'll leave or storm off l'd say you are living on very shaky ground and that your seemingly unhealthy marriage may not last without the much needed talk.
I also think you have every right to explore your feelings and perspective about his emotional distance and perhaps some ways that he was not able to as sensitive or romantic at the time in the past, or even currently.
I think discussing this with your therapist first, for guidance, tips, insight, and support, is a good thing. And then later discussing this with your husband will be good.
There's no owner's manual for marriage. The next best thing is couples therapy. I would consult a personal therapist first, because they will let you know how to bring up couples therapy with your husband in a way that won't intimidate him. Maybe that same therapist could do the couples therapy if they have the adequate training. Otherwise they could recommend someone else.
The fact that you are starting to seek assistance out of care for your relationship with your husband is a sign of healthiness.
Romance is not a stupid thing to hope for. Putting emphasis on it does not ruin it. For some people I imagine it's part of the heat of the love flame.
Please, I hope you will consult a marriage therapist/couples therapist and get the ball rolling for better times. It will take his involvement too, but it has to start somewhere. Be proud of the fact that you care and are apt to learn how to improve the relationship for each of you. I think that is a desirable trait in a mate.
He may possibly be somewhat hesitant or resitant at first, but after he comes to understand better, then you will both be on the same page working towards similar goals in therapy. He might even surprise you and be all for it from day one.
Sometimes us guys need a woman to help us to help her. Seems like he may have some issues which confuse him and re-establishing your vows and love and romance and partnernership could be an exciting renaissance to experience. It's certainly worth asserting and nurturing and sometimes even fighting for.
However: to stop the part of you that "cares" is to block the part of you that "knows" or "intuits" or "feels"
If you do this you put your self in real danger, danger of manipulation, abuse, allowing yourself to be a victim, unhappiness; stuckness and general unpleasantness - DONT do it to yourself.
If you are dissatisfied - there is a reason for it - be it your own stuff, his stuff or a mixture of both - but it warrants attention and addressing.
Like mudpuddle sugested - counselling is a FANTASTIC idea and one that you should dive head on into ASAP. Even if you cant get him to join you do it on your own - you becoming healthy and empowered will pave the way for clear thinking and the ability to manifest the positive changes and life you desire and deserve.
Good luck huny.
Ps a great book is "the dance of connection" by harriet learner.
By cutting off all emotions.
How do I stop caring about how he looks at me or how he touches me or what he says to me?
By cutting love out of your life.
What does a grown-up, healthy adult marriage relationship look like?
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Healthy_Relationships/forum/6750992-healthy-relationship
Like, you just get married and that means a mutual decision that one person will handle this part of life and this person will handle that part of life and that means a happy marriage?
There is no happy marriage if one of the partners is unhappy in it... or feels like they want/deserve/desire more...
What is supposed to exist between two people in a marriage?
I'd say mutual understanding, desire to please the other, and desire to be pleased by the other...
The first step, in my mind, for an healthy relationship, would it be love or frindship relationships, is to know what you want out of it. What you can accept, what you can't. You obviously are able to accept that he's working, but not that he's not more sensitive...
Once you defined your boundaries (what you accept), you have to stick to them. These boundaries are the way you allow people to treat you, they are how you want people to treat you.
Someone with no boundaries will never have an healthy relationship with anyone because they are ready to accept everything.
They often have low self esteem also...
An healthy relationship is one in which we feel good, not one in which we are willing to sacrifice everything that makes us what we are because we know the other would prefer us to be another way. It's ok to change, though, if we feel like we want to, not because we feel pressure for us to change...
Hope it helps!
I've decided that my husband knows what I want. I've made it loud and clear what I am looking for from him and telling him over and over isn't helping. I may still have my down days and feel hurt over it if he doesn't love me the way I am most responsive to, but for the next little while at least, I just can't stress about it anymore. My heart was breaking all the time and I can't live like that. So, I'll just give it some time and we'll see where it goes in the next few months.
Thanks again everyone! I feel very welcomed here... :)
In my very young years I was even with someone who physically abused me. I never loved him but was married to him because I became pregnant at 17 and had a baby at 18 and that was not acceptable 41 years ago unless you were married.
So my point in all this is find yourself first. Work on what makes you happy and don't settle for left-overs. Being alone is not bad at all. Sure it can get lonely at times but I've been lonelier in a miserable relationship. Growing up doesn't happen overnight and there will be very hard times you will encounter but the results are so much sweeter than trying to figure how to make someone else happy.
Like your husband, my former husband had no idea how to love a woman but yet we still stayed together for many years and when you mentioned the kiss on the neck I identified the feelings you shared with us. That too would have meant a lot to me.
it sounds like your husband doesn't know how to be happy alone and uses women to prop him up.
Good luck to you. You sound like a woman who is discovering who she is.