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Im sorry this is a long story, but I need some major help..i have nowhere to turn. There is more to this story then what I put, but this is the most recent..
Me and my husband have been married 22 yrs.
I thought we had a great marriage until a year ago we started hanging out with a single girl friend. All three of us had a great time together. She is a single mom and her ex husband wants nothing to do with her kids. She would ask us (mainly my husband) to help with little things here and there. She lost her house last fall, so we helped her move and then she would send out messages and ask him to come over and help fix little things in her apartment. I would sometimes go over there and help, but it was more towards him.
So I really thought nothing of it when she started texting my husband and asking him questions regarding baseball things for her son. Well, one day she was over and i grabbed her phone and i noticed that her and his textes were more than just messages. They was (to me) sexy emoji things. I didn't want to go into it while she was there, so I asked him about it. he just said it was friends messing around. I asked him to stop it. Well....he didn't. I found out through our phone bill that they were texting on a daily basis. I asked him about it. He said that she really needed someone to talk to about her son. He is having some major issues. I said ok, I believed him. I just asked him to keep me posted on how things were going and if they start talking again. Now this friend was still coming over to our house and hanging out. There was a few times that their flirting really bothered me to where I thought something was going on..i just kept it to myself. But something just didnt feel right.
Well....a few months pass and he started to act kinda different. i didn't know what was up, but I just had a feeling something between these two was going on. So I asked him. He said they hadn't talked for a while. but my gut kept telling me he was lying. One day I decided to look at his phone. I noticed that there was a picture of this friend in his sent text file. I asked him about it. He said that they were talking again and he sent her this picture to be funny. It was a picture of me and her at a concert. he cropped me out of the picture to be funny. I just lost it. I asked him again why was he texting her behind my back. Of course he didn't know what to say. He just said that they are JUST Friends talking, and that her son was really being bad. Doing bad things and she just needed a friend. She asked him NOT to tell me what was going on with her son. I still couldnt understand why he was texting her behind my back. I asked him to tell her that if she needs to talk, to talk with me too. Not just him.
About a month ago she texted him to see if he could help her with going to her store unit to get something. At that time she told him that her son quit the 8th grade baseball team. So I know she was having issues with him again. So about a week later I asked him if they had been talking and he told me no. Now to make things worse, we are going through some money problems. So for about 2 weeks, we have not been too talkative to each other because he was angry with me about the money issues. Again, i just knew something wasn't right. On Thursday of last week he worked 2nd shift. He had to work this shift because he was training on a new machine. So on Friday I decided to look at his phone again. My gut was telling me something was up. I found that they had been emailing each other through his work email. He forgot to deleted from his phone. As I was reading the email I was shaking sooooo bad. It said that they wanted to get together that night after work for dinner. But he couldnt because of the time frame. It also said I miss you. I have no idea who did the I miss you first. I was so hurt that they were doing this. AGAIN going behind my back and also planning on meeting for dinner and not tell me. When I asked him about this he was shocked that it was still on his phone. He thought he deleted it. My heart is still hurt. He told me that he didnt really know why he was doing this. he just needed someone to talk to and she was a good person to do that. He has felt so alone for that last month or so because of our issues.
I dont know how to feel about this whole thing. I really feel that something is going on more then what he is telling me. He tells me that they are ONLY friends. He likes to put We are all friends, but I havent felt like SHE has been a true friend to me. I dont want to see her for a while. I want nothing to do with her. But he asks me yesterday if he is allowed to talk to her and if WE are going to stop being friends with her totally. I just dont know what to do
So my question is, AM I being a terrible person about not wanting to be friends any more? Am I being a bad wife because he has a good friend that he talks to that is a woman and I dont want them to talk?
I have been struggling with this for a year..i just dont know if I AM THE bad guy or are they?????
I just need some advice..i really dont have anyone to talk to.
M
Me and my husband have been married 22 yrs.
I thought we had a great marriage until a year ago we started hanging out with a single girl friend. All three of us had a great time together. She is a single mom and her ex husband wants nothing to do with her kids. She would ask us (mainly my husband) to help with little things here and there. She lost her house last fall, so we helped her move and then she would send out messages and ask him to come over and help fix little things in her apartment. I would sometimes go over there and help, but it was more towards him.
So I really thought nothing of it when she started texting my husband and asking him questions regarding baseball things for her son. Well, one day she was over and i grabbed her phone and i noticed that her and his textes were more than just messages. They was (to me) sexy emoji things. I didn't want to go into it while she was there, so I asked him about it. he just said it was friends messing around. I asked him to stop it. Well....he didn't. I found out through our phone bill that they were texting on a daily basis. I asked him about it. He said that she really needed someone to talk to about her son. He is having some major issues. I said ok, I believed him. I just asked him to keep me posted on how things were going and if they start talking again. Now this friend was still coming over to our house and hanging out. There was a few times that their flirting really bothered me to where I thought something was going on..i just kept it to myself. But something just didnt feel right.
Well....a few months pass and he started to act kinda different. i didn't know what was up, but I just had a feeling something between these two was going on. So I asked him. He said they hadn't talked for a while. but my gut kept telling me he was lying. One day I decided to look at his phone. I noticed that there was a picture of this friend in his sent text file. I asked him about it. He said that they were talking again and he sent her this picture to be funny. It was a picture of me and her at a concert. he cropped me out of the picture to be funny. I just lost it. I asked him again why was he texting her behind my back. Of course he didn't know what to say. He just said that they are JUST Friends talking, and that her son was really being bad. Doing bad things and she just needed a friend. She asked him NOT to tell me what was going on with her son. I still couldnt understand why he was texting her behind my back. I asked him to tell her that if she needs to talk, to talk with me too. Not just him.
About a month ago she texted him to see if he could help her with going to her store unit to get something. At that time she told him that her son quit the 8th grade baseball team. So I know she was having issues with him again. So about a week later I asked him if they had been talking and he told me no. Now to make things worse, we are going through some money problems. So for about 2 weeks, we have not been too talkative to each other because he was angry with me about the money issues. Again, i just knew something wasn't right. On Thursday of last week he worked 2nd shift. He had to work this shift because he was training on a new machine. So on Friday I decided to look at his phone again. My gut was telling me something was up. I found that they had been emailing each other through his work email. He forgot to deleted from his phone. As I was reading the email I was shaking sooooo bad. It said that they wanted to get together that night after work for dinner. But he couldnt because of the time frame. It also said I miss you. I have no idea who did the I miss you first. I was so hurt that they were doing this. AGAIN going behind my back and also planning on meeting for dinner and not tell me. When I asked him about this he was shocked that it was still on his phone. He thought he deleted it. My heart is still hurt. He told me that he didnt really know why he was doing this. he just needed someone to talk to and she was a good person to do that. He has felt so alone for that last month or so because of our issues.
I dont know how to feel about this whole thing. I really feel that something is going on more then what he is telling me. He tells me that they are ONLY friends. He likes to put We are all friends, but I havent felt like SHE has been a true friend to me. I dont want to see her for a while. I want nothing to do with her. But he asks me yesterday if he is allowed to talk to her and if WE are going to stop being friends with her totally. I just dont know what to do
So my question is, AM I being a terrible person about not wanting to be friends any more? Am I being a bad wife because he has a good friend that he talks to that is a woman and I dont want them to talk?
I have been struggling with this for a year..i just dont know if I AM THE bad guy or are they?????
I just need some advice..i really dont have anyone to talk to.
M
She is after your husband and he is allowing it.
If she really needed a friend she would be friends with YOU.
The whole thing stinks.
I would confront them both at the same time.
Your feelings should be your husband's number 1 responsibility, not her's. He should be concentrating on his family and making things better between you both. It feels a lot better being someone's hero (not having to deal with their own issues) and can easily make someone want to step out of their own marriage and live this fantasy life.
I would nip this ASAP. I would call this girl and have a face to face conversation with her. Tell her to stop immediately contacting your husband for her problems. Then tell your husband he is to stop having any kind of relationship with her. You may want to go to counseling. If he refuses you have your answer. I'd go to the infidelity board to have your eyes opened more.
This is not good for your marriage and you are not imagining things. What he is doing to you is called gas lighting you, confusing you to second guess what you know is to be correct. If he has to lie and be sneaky than he is cheating. Cheating doesn't have to be physical but it normally leads to that.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this but the sooner you do the better chance you can save your marriage.
Ask him: If he wants to stay married, or if he wants out, to go be with this "friend". If he wants out, let him, both of you file the divorce paperwork and collect that alimony money. This sneaking around is childish. Be an adult, man!
If I were in your shoes, I would insist he cease ALL communications with her immediately if he wants to repair your marriage. Also, I would speak to her as a "friend" and tell her kindly it is completely inappropriate to speak to another woman's husband in the manner in which she has and that you suggest she find her own man to do her bidding because yours is unavailable to her. If he is not willing to do this and/or she refuses to quit contacting him, I would guess you have your answer at that point. He should not be valuing the feelings of a "friend" higher than those of his wife. If he does, it's most assured it's more than just an innocent friendship.
There was a guy I went to H.S. with who was messaging me on Facebook a couple years ago. I *thought* it was completely innocent and responded friendly but definitely NOT in a flirting manner...I had NO feelings for this man at all. My fiance happened to see the messages (which I wasn't hiding) and felt the guy had ulterior motives. He requested I stop speaking to him. Because I had no attachments to this man whatsoever, even though he was a friend (on Facebook only) I unfriended him and blocked him because that is what my fiance asked me to do. I had no qualms doing so...this guy meant nothing to me...I wouldn't risk my relationship for this friend.
I guess what I'm getting at with that is, if he is *only* friends with her, he will have no problem severing the relationship for you. If, however, he is more than friends (physical or not), he will probably pay all sorts of lip service as to why he can't...it would be "mean," friends don't do that, etc. That's just bull. This woman can go find her own man to fix her house or parent her kid...it's not your husband's kid after all.
So sorry you're going through this. I hope your husband comes to his senses and you are able to repair your marriage and regain your trust in him. However, if it doesn't play out this way, I hope you are able to find the strength you need to do whatever you feel is right for yourself.
(((HUGS)))
I am so sorry :-(
See a counselor for yourself and try to get your husband to go to marriage counseling with you.
You have asked him to stop this many times, and he just pushes it further and continues to lie. Don't give him any more chances. Talk to a lawyer immediately. Since you are having money problems already, I would file for divorce immediately and get those joint accounts frozen. You don't want him to be able to give her money. If you are not employed or not making enough to support yourself, your lawyer can get temporary maintenance and/or child support for you when you file.
Personally, I never text other women's husbands, unless it's something quick about carpooling for the kids. I would never email or text anything that I wouldn't want the wives to see. I would never take it to the level this woman has shamelessly gone to. So her ex is gone, he should be paying child support and that is not your problem. You are not the bad guy, they are.
I'm in a similar situation, except I'm "the female friend" YES - throw rocks at me....whatever, I don't care). There's nothing going on between us except we hang out.
You are within your relationship rights to stop the "friendship". If you aren't comfortable, than stop.
Do you want to stay married? I understand about 22 years being a long time as mine was 24 years.
Honestly it sounds like the brink of an affair or possibly already has happened. Can you stay married to a cheater? I couldn't.
Even though you may want to forgive him and work on your marriage, it sounds stressful and he has repeatedly lied. You have to make the choice if this behavior is acceptable to you. He's obviously not going to change, you've asked him several times. You might be happier without him. Good luck.