Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I am sorry for posting this in 2 different groups, but I didnt know if the breakup one or this one was better, and I'm desperate for some input because I don't know what to do. So to make a long story short as I possibly can make it, my woman and mother of my 7 year old son broke up with me and left me last July of 18. We were together 8 years and had a very rocky and toxic relationship. We were also somewhat codependent. So 4 months into the breakup I started texting/emailing her some pretty threatning and nasty stuff. (I let my pain and emotions get the best of me.) So in late November the police showed up at my house with a warrant for harrassment. I spent all the holidays in jail and was given my time served in early February. Being locked up actually gave me time to reflect on myself and put my life in perspective. I have been doing positive things since then and have kept 100% no contact with her (my mom handles the communication). I exercise, meditate, have a spiritual life and I am feeling the best and healthiest and have the most self confidence I have had in years. I even got a new job and honestly feel better about my life and myself than I ever thought possible......So a week ago my mom tells me my ex wants me to contact her about some medical insurance for our son. I'm apprehensive, but I do it. She asks me to come by her place and look over a few insurance quotes and to give my input on them. Well not long into it, she starts getting very emotional and going in to how much she missed me, how much her life sucked without me, how she missed us being a family, ect. So we end up sleeping together and she begs me to stay the night and just "hold her". So the next day comes and she texts me that we need to start as friends, take things slow and she pretty much says she had been drinking that night and it was like an "oops, my bad" type of thing. So she wants us to still be friends and hangout and coparent and whatever, but now I have a sea of emotions that have opened up that took me months to get past .I was doing just fine before she initiated all of this. Now I dont know what to say or do. We have already got in several little arguments in this past week. I still have feelings for her and don't know if I can do the friend thing. I don't know if she really wants more. It feels like a disaster waiting to happen. But if I cut off contact I will miss her again and wonder what could have happened. And I miss seeing my son all the time. I am so screwed up over this. I need some outside thoughts on this.....please.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
I like using intermediaries when I am caught in family disputes, whether as a combatant or a civilian caught in the cross-fire. There is nothing like a family feud to get tensions running so hard that the trigger fingers are twitching on all sides. Going through an intermediary, such as one of my therapy supporters, police, CPS, lawyers, etc., seems to calm the communications mightily. One of my therapy supporters is my preference, but preferences don't often count in a war zone.
Gentle support while you find what works for you, Allscrewed. Sort freely. Sort often. Welcome aboard.
For what it's worth:
I often cross-post here and elsewhere when I am working my tougher problems. I believe it is good to get a variety of feedback on those bad girls and I *just* keep shaking the trees until a palatable nut falls out.
It sounds as though you have made a great attempt to remove some toxicity from your life. And that you have seen the light. I think that the best thing you can do is continue to better yourself for your child. If your ex is drinking and making those sorts of choices, they probably aren't really the best for either you. It just enables the emotional and mentally frustrating rollercoaster to continue. Don't fall back into those bad habits.
Now there's a history with you being incarcerated and it would be awful if this happened again...
I agree with arfie to start with an intermediary to protect yourself .....
if you can manage it I would get into some therapy in order to start doing some things differently this time
I wouldn't get back into this relationship without getting help first.... If you have a faith a leader of the faith may be able to offer some counselling if you can't afford a therapist....
I doubt without getting help for 'both' of you that much will change and your child will be in the middle
I wish you well..... xo
Don’t dismiss your instincts and reservations. Get in counseling for yourself, and anything to do with her or your child, work with the court, intermediary, etc. Protect yourself.
Here are a few helpful suggestions based on my own life!
Relationships are where we grow emotionally so that sea of emotions that keeps coming up are doing so for a reason. They need to be healed!
In order to heal them you need to practice forgiveness of your past, of yourself and others. You need to let go of any resentments and anger that are still festering inside. If you don't do it now....it will all come up at a later date and it won't be pretty! I have a great prayer for that:
"""Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me.
Let me not see it as a sign of sin and deat, nor use it for destruction.
Teach me how NOT to make it an obstacle to Peace,
But let You use it for me to facilitate it's coming. """
Take things one day at a time, focus on the present because the present is the only time you can change, The past is gone forever (Let it go) and the future has yet to come.
Practice unconditional love at all times, be a compassionate listener, and don't judge others and I can guarantee, you will both have a very happy life together!
God Bless.