Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Honestly, I'm about to give up on this whole 'saving our relationship' thing. I don't know how much longer I can handle his self centered attitude. Tonight was just another straw, and I don't know how many more I can take!
Ok. So here's the thing. My fiancee likes to occasionally partake in some social drinking after work, usually on payday Fridays. He goes to a local pub that is within walking distance of our home. No problem. He also goes out on weekends and may have a beer or two. Or if he is helping his dad do some big chore, like they chopped down a tree the other week, he may have a beer after.
But then some of my friends invited me out to a pub tonight. I have a 7 month old daughter and I have not been out in almost a year and a half. And he tells me that he is going out, so I can't. No, 'well honey, I go out every weekend..it should be your turn'. Just flat out no.
So I got upset, then he tells me I can go out when he gets home at midnite if I want. But I have to be up with our daughter at 7. And he precedes to tell me that I am not allowed to drink. Since when does he have the right to tell me what I can or cannot do?
In the 4 years we have been together I have not been drunk once. He has been drunk numerous times. I have never had an alcohol dependancy. I like to occasionally have a beer or two, but I do not drink to get drunk. I don't like the feeling.
But here he is, telling me what I am allowed to do and what I am not allowed to do. When did this start? Has he been doing this all along and I just noticed it? I'm really upset. About alot of things.
About the fact that he just surpassed my plans because he wanted to go watch the UFC. He watches EVERY UFC. That he gave me rules for going out! That he is making me get up with our daughter because he knows that then I won't drink because she comes first and taht way he can tell himself that I chose not to drink, or in the case of tonight, not to go at all.
He's so self centered! Lately it's all about him, and only him. He buys new clothes, then when I ask for a new bra he tells me we don't have the money. When we go grocery shopping I am not allowed to buy things I like unless he likes them too. I have not been out with my friends, other then my best friend for the occasional coffee, alone. He gets angry when I ask for help around the house. I watch extra kids(I am on maternity leave) to bring in more money because he said we needed it.
How did I let him bully me so bad? And how to I get him to see what hes doing?
I'm trying so hard to make this work. So hard. I gave up everything that was me to make him happy, and it was the biggest mistake in my life. Now I feel like his property.
I cook what he likes, I clean so he has a clean house, I take in kids so that we have more money, I miss out on so much so that he can go do what he wants.
I don't even know me anymore. He once made a comment that he would let me go do things if there were things that I even did. And he's right. I don't do anything anymore. I used to run in the mornings, I don't do that anymore...I used to paint, I stopped because the paint supplies were to much and he needed money for his things, I love to read, and I still do that...but it feels like a forced escape. He bought me an e-reader for xmas, but I'm not allowed to buy books...I have to only download the free ones. And I can't buy paperbacks anymore because he was tired of seeing them everywhere. My bills, my credit cards that I came into the relationship with, get paid last...and taht's only if he deems there is enough money left to pay them.
He has had a transplant, and we need to have a savings at all times in case he relapses. But I just don't understand this all.
I don't want to leave him. And I know, that's what everyone is going to tell me. But I do love him, and you can't choose who you love. I'm slowly coming to the resolve that I will stay with him for now.
But when my maternity is up I am going to get my own bank account. And I am going to put a third of all my income into that account. And if we can work it out, great, we have some vacation money. If we can't.....well then my daughter and I have an escape fund.
It's 5 more months before I go back to work though....am I even going to make it that long?
Ok. So here's the thing. My fiancee likes to occasionally partake in some social drinking after work, usually on payday Fridays. He goes to a local pub that is within walking distance of our home. No problem. He also goes out on weekends and may have a beer or two. Or if he is helping his dad do some big chore, like they chopped down a tree the other week, he may have a beer after.
But then some of my friends invited me out to a pub tonight. I have a 7 month old daughter and I have not been out in almost a year and a half. And he tells me that he is going out, so I can't. No, 'well honey, I go out every weekend..it should be your turn'. Just flat out no.
So I got upset, then he tells me I can go out when he gets home at midnite if I want. But I have to be up with our daughter at 7. And he precedes to tell me that I am not allowed to drink. Since when does he have the right to tell me what I can or cannot do?
In the 4 years we have been together I have not been drunk once. He has been drunk numerous times. I have never had an alcohol dependancy. I like to occasionally have a beer or two, but I do not drink to get drunk. I don't like the feeling.
But here he is, telling me what I am allowed to do and what I am not allowed to do. When did this start? Has he been doing this all along and I just noticed it? I'm really upset. About alot of things.
About the fact that he just surpassed my plans because he wanted to go watch the UFC. He watches EVERY UFC. That he gave me rules for going out! That he is making me get up with our daughter because he knows that then I won't drink because she comes first and taht way he can tell himself that I chose not to drink, or in the case of tonight, not to go at all.
He's so self centered! Lately it's all about him, and only him. He buys new clothes, then when I ask for a new bra he tells me we don't have the money. When we go grocery shopping I am not allowed to buy things I like unless he likes them too. I have not been out with my friends, other then my best friend for the occasional coffee, alone. He gets angry when I ask for help around the house. I watch extra kids(I am on maternity leave) to bring in more money because he said we needed it.
How did I let him bully me so bad? And how to I get him to see what hes doing?
I'm trying so hard to make this work. So hard. I gave up everything that was me to make him happy, and it was the biggest mistake in my life. Now I feel like his property.
I cook what he likes, I clean so he has a clean house, I take in kids so that we have more money, I miss out on so much so that he can go do what he wants.
I don't even know me anymore. He once made a comment that he would let me go do things if there were things that I even did. And he's right. I don't do anything anymore. I used to run in the mornings, I don't do that anymore...I used to paint, I stopped because the paint supplies were to much and he needed money for his things, I love to read, and I still do that...but it feels like a forced escape. He bought me an e-reader for xmas, but I'm not allowed to buy books...I have to only download the free ones. And I can't buy paperbacks anymore because he was tired of seeing them everywhere. My bills, my credit cards that I came into the relationship with, get paid last...and taht's only if he deems there is enough money left to pay them.
He has had a transplant, and we need to have a savings at all times in case he relapses. But I just don't understand this all.
I don't want to leave him. And I know, that's what everyone is going to tell me. But I do love him, and you can't choose who you love. I'm slowly coming to the resolve that I will stay with him for now.
But when my maternity is up I am going to get my own bank account. And I am going to put a third of all my income into that account. And if we can work it out, great, we have some vacation money. If we can't.....well then my daughter and I have an escape fund.
It's 5 more months before I go back to work though....am I even going to make it that long?
Anyway he may be paying the bills but it sure sounds like to me you are paying a mighty big price for food and shelter. It might be time for you to take some steps in finding out what type of assistance you can get so you can have a better life. I would also advise you to talk to a counselor to see why you feel it is necessary to continue to stay with someone like this as you may find it is a whole lot more then just love and feeling like you have no other place to go or no one else to turn to. You should also consider talking to a debit counselor which is free by the way so they can advise you on the best way to consolidate your debt after all you can't depend on your b/f to pay off that debt so it would be better to find out how you can clear it up on your own.
Anyway these are just some things for you to consider doing. Like I said before if you allow this sort of treatment to continue the worse it will get. Good Luck to you:)
Imagine living like this for the next 60 years.
I think you need to demand some changes. You need to regain control over the parts of you that you've lost. You are allowed to be a whole person even from inside a relationship. If he isn't OK with that, then you need to ask yourself how long you'll be OK not being a whole person.
I'm not saying the relationship is doomed. He may surprise you. But, you absolutely need to consider what is best for you and your daughter because it doesn't sound like he is.
Good luck!
Hugs,
Quin
If you want to buy something he doesn't like, 'tough'. If you want to go out one night, hire a sitter. Demand to pay the bills for a few months. Cook meals you like; and if he doesn't like what you cooked, have a McDonald's hamburger or soup warming up for him. Buy an eBook once a month. Get your supplies and start painting again. Take the baby out on a walk every day.
If you're going to stay in this man's world you are going to have to take back your life.
He may be a bit shocked and confront you about your new strength/changes; but if you don't stand your ground and get yourself back, you will deeply, deeply regret it. Remember, you are becoming someone HE is creating ~ and you are no longer the same woman he married. How long do you think this will last?
Please give your situation some real thought. This can't go on forever and you know it.
((sending you strength and insight))
Okay ~ Jumping off my soap box.