Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I guess I am struggling with an issue and I need a guys perspective to hopefully put it in perspective for me.
Would you ever remove a female 'friend' out of your life if it made the person you were with feel uncomfortable and cause them to worry. Lets say you have been in a relationship with the women for over four years and actually want to marry her. If you saw that it bothered her and made her feel uneasy and disrespected, would you automatically remove the female friend yourself with out her asking you to? Or, would you wait until she finally got exasperated and asked you to remove this friend from your life?
The reason I ask is because my significant other has been friends with a female since before we got together. He actually wanted to be with her, but she wasnt interested in him in that way, but loved the attention she got from him. In the beginning of our relationship it caused some problems. I have let him know that her behavior is inappropriate, but he does nothing to let her know that. She acts like he is single and she can say and do whatever she pleases to him, even though she knows he is in a relationship. When her life is good, she disappears for a while, but when its bad and she gets lonely, that is when she comes a knocking. Even though she is married now, her behaviour is still very inappropriate, and I can tell it comes and goes with the ups and downs of her marriage.
I am at the point, I would like her completely out of his life... friends no more. I havent asked him to do this, I was kind of hoping he would show me that I mean more to him and anything that rationally bothered me he would want to fix.
So I guess that is why I am asking, guys... if your lady was uncomfortable with an overflirtatious, and inappropriate behaviours coming from a female friend, what would you do? Would you tell her there is nothing to worry about and get over it, or would you tell the female friend what she does is inappropriate and to remain your friend she needs to tone it down, or would you remove the female friend from you life? Remember now, this woman that you are with you have told is the only one that matters, is the love of your life, and you want to marry her and her have your babies.
Would you ever remove a female 'friend' out of your life if it made the person you were with feel uncomfortable and cause them to worry. Lets say you have been in a relationship with the women for over four years and actually want to marry her. If you saw that it bothered her and made her feel uneasy and disrespected, would you automatically remove the female friend yourself with out her asking you to? Or, would you wait until she finally got exasperated and asked you to remove this friend from your life?
The reason I ask is because my significant other has been friends with a female since before we got together. He actually wanted to be with her, but she wasnt interested in him in that way, but loved the attention she got from him. In the beginning of our relationship it caused some problems. I have let him know that her behavior is inappropriate, but he does nothing to let her know that. She acts like he is single and she can say and do whatever she pleases to him, even though she knows he is in a relationship. When her life is good, she disappears for a while, but when its bad and she gets lonely, that is when she comes a knocking. Even though she is married now, her behaviour is still very inappropriate, and I can tell it comes and goes with the ups and downs of her marriage.
I am at the point, I would like her completely out of his life... friends no more. I havent asked him to do this, I was kind of hoping he would show me that I mean more to him and anything that rationally bothered me he would want to fix.
So I guess that is why I am asking, guys... if your lady was uncomfortable with an overflirtatious, and inappropriate behaviours coming from a female friend, what would you do? Would you tell her there is nothing to worry about and get over it, or would you tell the female friend what she does is inappropriate and to remain your friend she needs to tone it down, or would you remove the female friend from you life? Remember now, this woman that you are with you have told is the only one that matters, is the love of your life, and you want to marry her and her have your babies.
What exactly is worrying you? Okay, she's being overly flirty etc. So? If your partner doesn't respond and is satisfied with you, is a bit of flirting from her going to do any harm, especially if it's the way she interacts with men in general (which maybe a problem in itself, but her problem not his/yours)? (Of course, it's a somewhat different story if he joins in and ups the ante.)
Maybe if he ignores the flirting, or actively backs off when she does it, it'll reduce. If she ONLY gets his attention when she doesn't flirt she may learn that flirting doesn't get what she wants and back off. Basically stopping rewarding "bad" behaviour and starting rewarding (only) "good" behaviours works well a lot of the time.
You can't change others. You can't change her and you can't change your bf. HE can choose to change his responses / behaviours as above. SHE may choose to change in response (or may not). You can only change yourself,
What is it about this situation that you find threatening? Why? What can you do to increase your own feelings of security, safety and confidence in your relationship and as an individual?
This is a great book for any marriage or relationship. It may be helpful to you right now.
The section helps you figure out if a problem:
- Is not that important,
- Is important but can be lived with; or
- Is important and must be dealt with.
So far, you seem to feel that this is a problem that is important, and must be dealt with.
The issue is that if it is a problem that must be dealt with and your partner refuses to make the effort (like yours is), then you have a real problem of two people with very different approaches and understanding of what they feel is acceptable.
If you are at an impass over something that is a deal breaker, than the relationship will not be successful in the long run.
Can you really continue into a marriage knowing that, because he refuses to accept your stance on this that he is going to refuse to honor your request. Can you really continue knowing that you will be faced with his continued inappropriate relationship with this woman for the next 20+ years?
It seems to me that he needs to make a choice. But please don't throw down an ultimatum. Think about the situation. Read the Gottman book if you can (you can usually get it from your library). Try to help him understand what you see and how you truly feel.
Weigh your pros and cons, Explore your feelings on what you truly want in a relationship and don't settle for anything less then that. Make sure you feel secure that whomever you are involved with loves you as much as you love them and is willing to compromise, set up boundaries that you both feel comfortable with and actually do the action rather then just say the words. If you are not getting that it might be a good idea to move on from this relationship.
I have seen girls treat their bf's the same way you are being treated right now and unless changes can be made the relationships are never happy ones.
Anyway just my thoughts. I hope that by exploring your feelings more deeply you will find the answer to what you should do next. Wishing you the very best:)