Healthy Relationships Support Group
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hi everyone
ive recently come to the realisation that my way of thinking/ feeling and dealing in my marriage and relationship is toxic.
i have always been a control freak and suffer a lot with anxiety. My husband and I have been together since high school (so 20years this year) and at first you could easily put my emotional outbursts and behaviour towards being very jealous and insecure. But lately I didn’t realise it has been sleeping through to everything.... I was chatting to a girl friend about it and explaining it as I constantly CHOOSE him.
So instead of going out with friends or even to do an exercise class in the evening- I choose him
instead of going out to the movies- I’d choose him
etc etc
but we have very little babysitting available to us and virtually no family to help so we hardly do anything alone or in much adult company. We do HEAPS as a family and we are VERY close- there hasn’t been hardly any nights we haven’t all done a night routine of putting our girls to bed etc etc
so.... what I am trying to get at is- I KNOW this is highly ridiculous because it’s very hard to maintain and now that I am a bit older and my girls are older, I’m feeling VERY isolated. I always make excuses when I’ve been invited somewhere that’s not with my partner to the point now I don’t get asked. I feel like I have to choose him like I want him to always choose me. But I’m not stupid either- I get it shouldn’t be a choice but because my frame of mind has been doing and saying the same thing over and over again for so many years, I even get really low when he has to go to work. When he comes home a bit later etc- like he’s chosen work over being with me and the girls - I know it’s not like that but I just don’t know how to stop my thoughts and then what seems to be the problem is my reaction.
I want ant him to go out with his mates on a guy night but I literally couldn’t breathe when he suggested it... like- why wouldn’t he want to spend that free time with me and friends? I know I need to get out too but I want to feel comfortable and confident and actually ENJOY myself.
please help me, I don’t want any nasty comments as like I said- I know it’s smothering and wrong but it’s just grown more and more intense and so now I can see the downside to it and I am willing to try Andy change but it’s not easy. I think the worst and I hate being alone. It would feel like the longest night just watching the clock and imagining all the girls he can see and the fun he would be having- like it’s a double edged sword, I want him to go out and enjoy but then I feel he enjoys it too much he may make it regular and we are so close because we do like spending time together and don’t always feel the need to have a break etc etc like that’s our special bond too.....
i hope ole all this makes sense- sorry for the long blah blah blah but it helps even getting it all off my chest
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Once a week, the two of you take turns going out with friends/people/just to be alone outside of the family.
So maybe pick Friday nights. So Fri from the time he'd get off of work, until midnight...that's either his time to go out with friends, or yours.
From the other side, that's his chance to have time alone with his kids?
IDK...just a suggestion.
It may not be easy at first however it may just make both of your lives more well rounded and rewarding
Spending time with good friends would be nice for both of you..... I love spending time with my girlfriends
Perhaps at first just limit the time for 2-3 hours
Your husband spending time with his friends in no way diminishes how he feels about you and your family .... It will just add more dimensions to both of your lives..... I think it can be really rewarding for you
Big hug.....I wish you well......xo
Small steps...
Appreciate all ur encouragement x
I hope all works out. Post an update.
Make a conscious effort to have girl time with your gfs. Give him the right to guy time with his friends. When my ex and I got married, I let him have his guy time even though I knew it involved going to the clubs and seeing other women around. But guess what? There are other women around all over.
I eventually found myself being isolated by him away from any friends I would have. Making excuses for why I couldn't go to the point they stopped asking also. But it was still okay for him to call me within an hour before 'going out with the guys' that they invited him out. I didn't care. I figured if there was a place he would rather be than with me, then go. I'm adult enough I can start my life over again.
As the years progressed, I became isolated. Making it easier for him to keep me from any thoughts of ever being possible to live a life without him financially or socially. If I thought about getting a job just to give myself extra cash without having to ask him or just be around adults, he would ask me why? We didn't need to and shut it down.
Finally during an argument he threatened me with divorce and how did I think I would ever support myself and the kids. I realized right then and there, he was right and it terrified me. Two weeks later I got a job and filed for divorce.
I don't doubt to this day, he thought he would be able to keep me with him by crippling me financially.