Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am having a really hard time deciding the right path for me in my relationship. As I analyze the reasons why I am unhappy and the decision to move on, I feel selfish.
This man's need for love and affection is so overwhelming that I feel like I am suffocating when I spend time with him now. He needs the intimacy every moment we are together, whether my daughter is in the room or not. He needs to be told that he is loved, and vice versa (that he loves me) everytime we talk, every text, every phone call, every FB comment, it has to have those three words and a few other mushy gushy words too. I dont like it anymore. We can say I love you after a phone conversation, and in a text message, but it doesnt have to be in every message as we communicate back and forth. I feel selfish, because he gets upset and his feelings hurt when I forget to tell him I love him or if I tell him its too much. Every moment we are together we have to be touching in some form. I feel like I am being cold and heartless and inconsiderate to not want this, when I feel maybe I should be grateful that there is someone who is loving and caring about me, and tries not to do anything that will hurt my feelings though he isnt always successful. When he knows something has bothered me, he does what he can to fix it, and I am grateful and see what he does, but I feel suffocated, and feel this 4 year relationship is going no where.
I also feel selfish because I dont want to be with him anymore when I know he will never be able to provide for my daughter or me. He lives in a house that is paid for, and doesnt pay the expenses, such as cable, phone, and power. The only thing he pays for is his food, and gas, and credit card bills. I dont ever see him stepping up to be a provider, is it selfish and petty of me to want a provider? I mean, I have a career, and I work hard at it, and bring home a paycheck, I will still do this, but I dont want to be with a partner who cant be a provider too. I feel if this would ever make it to a union (and it wont because while he says he wants to marry me, he cant buy a ring and doesnt have a decent house for us to live in) Is it selfish and petty of me to want someone who can meet me in the middle when it comes to supporting a family???
I dont want to do it, I dont want to be in this relationship anymore. I am not happy, but in my heart of hearts I feel like I am being the selfish petty person to want more for myself. Why do I feel like I need to sacrifice my happiness to be with someone who loves me and cares about me, but has needs that are overwhelming, and cant be a provider? Why do I feel like the petty jerk who is being the bad person because I want to call it quits after being in a four year relationship that has not gone anywhere, and will not go anywhere... I am in tears now, I dont want to do it anymore. Please tell me I am not wrong in this, because I feel like I am wrong. But why does it feel so wrong to be with him, when am I not happy anymore. Is it okay to move one when you feel like there is just nothing there, is it ok to go? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong and being selfish?
This man's need for love and affection is so overwhelming that I feel like I am suffocating when I spend time with him now. He needs the intimacy every moment we are together, whether my daughter is in the room or not. He needs to be told that he is loved, and vice versa (that he loves me) everytime we talk, every text, every phone call, every FB comment, it has to have those three words and a few other mushy gushy words too. I dont like it anymore. We can say I love you after a phone conversation, and in a text message, but it doesnt have to be in every message as we communicate back and forth. I feel selfish, because he gets upset and his feelings hurt when I forget to tell him I love him or if I tell him its too much. Every moment we are together we have to be touching in some form. I feel like I am being cold and heartless and inconsiderate to not want this, when I feel maybe I should be grateful that there is someone who is loving and caring about me, and tries not to do anything that will hurt my feelings though he isnt always successful. When he knows something has bothered me, he does what he can to fix it, and I am grateful and see what he does, but I feel suffocated, and feel this 4 year relationship is going no where.
I also feel selfish because I dont want to be with him anymore when I know he will never be able to provide for my daughter or me. He lives in a house that is paid for, and doesnt pay the expenses, such as cable, phone, and power. The only thing he pays for is his food, and gas, and credit card bills. I dont ever see him stepping up to be a provider, is it selfish and petty of me to want a provider? I mean, I have a career, and I work hard at it, and bring home a paycheck, I will still do this, but I dont want to be with a partner who cant be a provider too. I feel if this would ever make it to a union (and it wont because while he says he wants to marry me, he cant buy a ring and doesnt have a decent house for us to live in) Is it selfish and petty of me to want someone who can meet me in the middle when it comes to supporting a family???
I dont want to do it, I dont want to be in this relationship anymore. I am not happy, but in my heart of hearts I feel like I am being the selfish petty person to want more for myself. Why do I feel like I need to sacrifice my happiness to be with someone who loves me and cares about me, but has needs that are overwhelming, and cant be a provider? Why do I feel like the petty jerk who is being the bad person because I want to call it quits after being in a four year relationship that has not gone anywhere, and will not go anywhere... I am in tears now, I dont want to do it anymore. Please tell me I am not wrong in this, because I feel like I am wrong. But why does it feel so wrong to be with him, when am I not happy anymore. Is it okay to move one when you feel like there is just nothing there, is it ok to go? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong and being selfish?
Like any relationship a couple has to be willing to make changes and compromises to overcome obstacles however I believe that both people involved need to feel happy, content and comfortable with all these changes. If that is not happening then I firmly believe the relationship will fail and the sad part of it is so many tend to stay miserable until they are able to pluck up the courage to move on.
At any rate do not feel ashamed just because you want and like to express your feelings differently and want something more in your life to make you feel complete. We are all different individuals with different wants and needs and I firmly believe that if you neglect or ignore these things you will never be happy. Anyway to me it sounds like a lot of the problem here is that you do not want to hurt him and that is understandable. But I also feel by what you have described in your post that he may not be the right guy for you.
Be fair to him and yourself and explore your feelings deeply and then make the decision that will be best for you. Because I tell ya if you are not happy he won't be happy either in the long run. Wishing you the very best:)
Right now, I have asked him for space. I havent seen him in two weeks with the exception of dinner the thursday before last. That entire time he either had to be holding my hand or rubbing my leg. I love affection, and giving affection, but whenever we are together he needs it 24/7. The entire time we are together, we either have to be hugging, kissing, or snuggling and the one moment I pull away or back off, then he is pouting for the rest of the evening because I have hurt his feelings. I am ready to move on, I am done, but he tells me I am heartless and cold and uncaring if I quit on the relationship, and as much as I should accept that and move on, it bothers me. I want him to see that we just arent right for each other, that we arent compatible, but he says I am the most selfish person he knows. I just feel really cofused right now.
No, you're not wrong or selfish to want these things! If anything, you're not wrong to simply want a bit more intellectual stimulation and humor in your mate, which this man, while I'm sure he's very cute, has none. The "wounded love puppy" thing is simply not interesting. The man needs to take a step back and look at himself from the outside. I'm sure he'll laugh at how ridiculous he is.
For you, describe your dream man in words. Provider, sense of humor, intelligent, tall, dark and handsome (perhaps?), into me and only me, but has a career going on that he finds interesting as well.
Describing what you want is one step closer to getting it. Then stack that image up against this man.
I apologize if this comes across hard but in my situation, you are displaying a lot of things too close to my wifes.
If there is another person in the picture, you need to get rid of him and work on your self, and then you will be able to work on the problems here.
again ignore this comment if you want but i just feel there is more than your telling.
Check out http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors.
I think you will see many of the behaviors exhibited by your BF. This is not a healthy relationship. I would get out while you still can.
As far as there being more to the story, of course there is. I was trying to avoid typing a long and drawn out post, but in regards to your post, I guess one is needed. Like I said, we have been together four years, and dont live together. About 9 months into our relationship he cheated on me. He flew another woman into town and had her spend a four day weekend with him. I confronted him and her about this on that weekend, and he denied that we were involved in front of her. She said he told me it was over a long time ago. That was when I should have ended it. He ended it, and a month later came back saying he was sorry, and it was a huge mistake, that he was just going through a tough time and didnt know how to cope. So I got back with him, and the trust was broken. Along the way he had several slip ups, and even wouldnt end the friendship with the woman he cheated on me with. He didnt do so until a year later, when we had been together almost two years. He works only part time. I tried to do a lot for him. I help him get his certification so he could find a job (I PAID $600 for it even helped him with the test). He hasnt done anything with it and still works part time. He has no desire to step up and do things I would think a man who wants to marry a woman would want to do. His father pays for all of his utilities (even though this man is 32 years old). He had a really rocky spot where he wasnt willing to give up his body building lifestyle, and I gave him money once to help with groceriesThe BIGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, because every week he would complain about how broke he was to see if he could guilt me into giving him money. He even wanted us to go grocery shopping together so I would foot the bill for his food too. So yeah, I have done a lot for this man and giving him my unconditional love and doing all I could to help him out, but I do think I cant do it anymore. I am exhausted. I feel used up, and drained, and now he is hurt because when I go to see him on the weekends (yes, I always go to see him, he doesnt come to me) I kiss him 15 seconds instead of 5 minutes, I get awkward when he grabs a boob or sticks his hand down my shirt or pants in front of my daughter, and from the time I am at my house until the time I go home it has to be constant sexual intimacy. I dont want to do it anymore, I feel like every time I go over there it is stress of if his feelings are going to be hurt because I pull away when his hand goes somewhere that isnt appropriate for 10 year old. And constantly being told I am not filling his basic emotional/physical needs because I dont want physical contact the entire time I am there and that makes me cold and uncaring. I hold his hand when I am there, cuddle with him on the couch, kiss him, come behind him and hug him, tell him I love him etc. I give him the emotional affections he desires, and its not enough. I have also filled his sexual needs both days I am there on the weekends too. I feel bad because I should want to be with him, and love him and care about him, but the past has caused me to pull away, and I feel selfish for not wanting to do it anymore. But thanks guy, because you put it into perspective for me. I am trying to work on self love and loving me, and I think the best action to give me that self love is leaving. I just feel guilty because he is alone and has pushed everyone away with his neediness, and I am just another person giving up on him.
I was is a relationship like this once. I lost myself because I had to be EVERYTHING he needed; my needs didn't matter. His needs were ALWAYS more important than mine. NO COMPROMISE. I constantly was walking on egg shells and had a knot in my stomach. I was miserable.
He doesn't respect you, so please, respect yourself and get out. You ask if it is okay to move on because you don't want to be with him and are so unhappy. What would you tell your daughter if she came to you with the same questions?
Because he manipulates. He has had 4 years to train you to think this way. Besides, anything that goes against his wishes is wrong, selfish, mean.
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/292025/journal/1966900
You will NEVER be enough in his eyes and it will only get worse. Read that journal and many more of mine if you want a glimpse of what life is like after 16 years with a man like that.
((hugs))
The part about him grabbing you when your daughter is around is reason enough all by itself! He is the Selfish one, not you. The fact that you ask him to change his behaviour and he refuses is huge!
It will only get worse.