have you talked to him about this. You are scared. Get a therapist that will guide you through what you are feeling. You are sabotaging yourself. Hugs.

I would just try to have a calm conversation about what was going through your mind… were you worried about him? Were you worried about what he was doing? Just get really in touch with your feelings and thoughts and communicate with him.

Thanks everyone. We have definitely had this conversation in a calm look ng way many times. He has made incremental improvements, and so have I. I'm going to start reading my Al Anon book again, and book a session with my therapist and life coach.

What I need is an agreed upon set of boundaries that we both agree on and don't backstep on.

Is he an alcoholic? Or is it that you have family, previous relationships involving alcoholics? I’m just curious where the Al Anon comes in.

UPDATE: I wanted to respond to your title of feeling shame. When we feel shame, it means we are thinking something bad about ourselves. I do not want to increase your feelings of shame. I simply can't tell if the problem is real in that your partner is an alcoholic or not. I am not putting you down or saying anything bad about you.

It sounds like first you panicked and got super upset and then you got remorseful and are blaming yourself. I can't tell if this is an emotional disorder in you or in him. This might be something to talk to your therapist about especially if you have a pattern of this type of emotional meltdown and paranoia. Life coaches can't do clinical therapy by law but this person might help you in some way.

Does he drink too much? Your mention of Al Anon makes me think so???
Is the 4 beers HIS count or shown on a receipt?

My alcoholic ex said he drank 6 drinks a night. I was going to Al Anon and I knew this was probably double that because alcoholics lie in the midst of this disease. So if your dude is an alcoholic, I am going to assume 4 is really 8 unless there is a receipt or you can see the charges on his debit card bank account. If he is not technically an alcoholic and 4 is the truth, this is still a lot of beer at one sitting. Like perhaps binge drinking.

You take this as you being paranoid and overly reactive. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. You did overreact it sounds like, all of this texting could have waited until morning. (EDIT: but if he is a person who drinks too much, all this overreaction may be wisdom trying to get an edge in.) Now it sounds like you feel shame or confusion. Now you have totally pulled back into thinking this was your emotional spin out and he has no problems with alcohol. Maybe it is both?

PLUS, you are trying to control his drinking by having mutually set upon boundaries. Ain't going to happen. Stop trying to control him. If he drinks too much, be realistic. If your emotions are out of control, talk to your therapist about an assessment for this. Gain clarity, a clear mind, and then move forward. But YOUR boundaries aren't going to solve the problem.

Right. If your husband is an alcoholic, being upset with him and drawing a line in the sand is absolutely valid.

If he’s an alcoholic, your boundary is the only boundary.

Yes I'm an alcoholic and I never stopped at 4 .... I wouldn't bother counting and would just give some random low (but believeable) number if someone asked.

BUT if someone is truly an alcoholic, even one is too many. It is all or nothing...either you are sober and abstaining or you aren't. Alcoholics don't drink in moderation.

You may be ashamed in thinking that you overreacted but ask yourself why? Is he an alcoholic that isn't supposed to be drinking at all or did you truly overreact and there is really no problem?

If there is no problem, move past it by communicating with everyone involved. People make mistakes and I think we can all remember a time we've overreacted.

If he's truly an alcoholic and shouldn't be drinking, then I don't think you're overreacting at all.

I was wondering if your husband is an alcoholic as well?

Thanks so much everyone! What a wise supportive community.

So the question as to is he an alcoholic: I flip flop..sometimes I think yes, but definitely moderately, and sometimes no.

We have been to 2-3 AA meetings together and I definitely did not relate to the stories in the room. Leaning they were way worse, and my partner is super high functioning, and will go weeks without drinking. Sometimes months.

I have booked my therapist. We have chatted before that it seems more like low impulse control + recreational use of alcohol, and sometimes cocaine (like once a month?), And usually once he does get high it's to stay home and make music, or chat on the phone with friends or family, or go to his brother's house.

We rarely fight when he drinks, and these days when we do have little arguments, he is so good at diffusing them - whereas in the past he would lose his temper.

It feels like a really fine line between recreational use and alcoholism. As someone in this thread already said, I am going to focus on my own emotional response because yes I cannot control him.

My parents were addicts so I definitely have a strong emotional trauma trigger there.

At the end of the day I think I have nothing to lose by focusing on my own resiliency and emotional balance. My marriage is something I dreamed about for years and I'm so happy. We are also business partners.

So I wrote that I have shame because I see myself as someone who can manage trauma triggers in a healthier way than threatening to kick him out and then follow up as well as text all of his friends and family.

I guess time will tell what needs to change in the long run, but for now I'm just going to focus on my own responses. And he agreed that this week he did drink too much and also wants to go sober for a few weeks.

One "Al Anon one day at a time" book has a lot of wisdom. I find myself applying it to relationships in business, and friendships. Back in the day I went there because therapy was becoming expensive and Al-Anon is free. I stopped going to the meetings because I received cross talk and felt like my boundaries were not being respected in the room. Also, the stories were so much worse that I didn't really relate. So the book is a good resource for me.

I think most things are on a spectrum, not Black or white, and I'm living in that in between zone with my partner. Though I do see a LOT of progress compared to when we met 4 years ago.

Thanks everyone.

Thanks for sharing more. My dad was an alcoholic. My mom had a problem handling alcohol at times, like two drinks could easily make her a complete mess but she was not an alcoholic. She was more into pills when I was young but stopped that once I was a teenager. Addiction is prevalent on both sides of my extended families.

So I understand completely how having a family history triggers a lot of things with a partner’s use, even if they aren’t addicts or alcoholics. I remember the first New Years Eve together with my now husband about three months into our relationship. He got completely smashed, just so sloppy and over the top. Did not expect that from him; I had to help him back to our hotel room, put him to bed and I was in a panic thinking, I can’t be with someone like this. It kicked up so much stuff from my childhood that it sent me into a complete emotional tailspin The next morning I really laid into him how this is messed up, how much it reminded me of my dad, that I expect better and I’ll never be with someone who acts like this. I was pissed. Was I over the top? No I don’t think so. He needed to know this was a deal breaker for me. I don’t regret anything I said nor how I said it. It was me laying down what I expect for myself in a relationship . That was 20 years ago and he has not done anything like that since. We go out and have a few drinks but that’s the extent of it.

I just say that to remind you that even if he is not an alcoholic, it’s ok to tell him what you need and expect from him. I’m down with letting people do their own thing. But not at my own expense, whatever I decide that expense is.

Keep getting support, and finding what your boundaries are. It’s ok to work on you, absolutely. Don’t get caught up though in him being high functioning, usually drinking at home, or other people are worse. I don’t know if your husband is an alcoholic or not. But none of the above is an accurate way to measure against whether he’s an alcoholic or not.

Anyway, good luck and take care of yourself!

Does he only drink when he goes out? Does he do it home? 4 beers is not a big deal. If other drugs are involved than I can see where his 4 beers may seem like 12. The cochise use would really concern me.

I am trying to understand if he really is an alcoholic or just out having fun with his friends? How is he at social functions that you go too? Can he drink responsibly?

I went to an AA meeting well over 10 years ago with an ex for support for him. Wow that was an experience, and the stories. It was very hard for me to be there and see/hear this.

If you and him can talk, and he us open to expressing his emotions etc. It may help the both of you.

My ex's drinking has gotten bad of recently. I feel really bad and wish I can help him, but he chose to leave and go to a negative environment. He has admitted he has been drinking alot. We have a child together. We are doing couples counseling and it has been helping, and I think if he had a more positive environment he would be happier. Try counseling if you both agree.

Please consider this, what if your emotional meltdown or outburst or what we call it is really your wise mind speaking to you. What if your subconscious mind that flipped out, is actually trying to get you to see things with more clarity and without the fear of facing what you need to face? If you no longer minimize what the spouse does as far as drugs and alcohol, maybe your emotional mind won’t have to take over. We say you were emotional but what if it wasn’t something to be ashamed of but rather to see as courage and wisdom. You keep putting this on yourself as wrong, but I am not sure that’s accurate or helpful to the situation. I wish you well.