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I don't feel needed in my relationship

Mills
Mills

Hi, I've never done anything like this before but thought I'd try it and see if anyone reads this or replies. 


My boyfriend and I have been  together nearly two and a half years there have been ups and downs as you'd find in any relationship but for a few months it's become increasingly negative than positive. We both went to the same school and now college and we don't live too far away from one another. However, throughout our relationship he's become more distant, less romantic and less 'bothered' with me. 


We might see each other once or twice a week, maybe for a few minutes at the end of the college day. He's seems less and less interested in me and more focused on music and getting better at playing the guitar and bass (which I completely respect and am happy that he's found what he wants to pursue in life). When I see him I feel negative feelings such as feeling sad, lonely, detached, distant and that we're more like strangers than a couple. 


There's no romance and we don't make enough time for each other as we should, I am home almost all evenings and don't go out as much as someone my age should do -he knows I'm home alot. It doesn't help that I can't drive so then I'd be able to go over to his but he does drive and when we do see each other i don't know what to say/do as there isn't that close emotional element and so I don't feel relaxed with him. We tend to do the same things like watch TV there isn't much sustained conversation between us and this makes me feel really bad and worse.


The first year of us being together was the best year of my life I was completely in love with him and wanted to be with him all the time, do things together and go to places and enjoy each others company. However now it has changed, maybe we don't trust each other enough or don't open up and involve each other in one another's lives as much as we should. I've contemplated about breaking up but that makes me feel worse, I feel scared of losing him and am not entirely sure what I want. Perhaps I have been too demanding/not made as much an effort to arrange seeing each other. Even when  I do ask if he wants to do something or get together there always seems to be something that's making him busy. It would be nice to see him more and made to feel like he does want to see me and be around me as much as I want to with him. 


This sounds horrible but sometimes I find it hard to say 'I love you' to him - sort of like a choking feeling. I wish he'd open up more and tell me how he feels and what his thoughts are/what's on his mind rather than the quietness that there is. It's obviously important when in a relationship that you do have time to yourselves and space to do what you want to do and work on yourself rather than being held down by your partner/the relationship but this is too much space and separation.


I'm sorry if this has gone on for quite a while but if anyone can offer me any advice at all I'd really appreciate it and already it feels so much better getting these worries off my chest. 

Emerald0743
Emerald0743
Dont feel bad
it sounds to me like your relationship is dwindiling out that happened to me before and its ok i think my situation was about the same time frame too and i think my relationship was gone probably 6 months before i ended it what i did was go out more and experience life and it made it easier for me to let go and move on maybe thats what you need go out more have fun meet people when your done you will know it sounds like your almost there but your just too lonely like i was and you just need that little nudge
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Mills..... You've written that there's no romance .... That says a lot.... I would simply say that we need to talk and we both need to lay our cards on the table re our relationship.... There is something big missing from what you've written here
I know it hurts however spending anymore time on a relationship that isn't there for you is simply wasting more time..... I think you need to talk with him openly and honestly .... Another hug.....xo
Mills
Mills
Thank you for both of your replies, it's really encouraging and supportive. I've taken what you've said into account. It is important that I do talk to him honestly and openly about this and hopefully reach the most healthiest solution rather than being part of a negative relationship. Knowing that others have been in situations like these is reassuring. I think you're right, there's loads of people to meet, fun to have and a life to enjoy. Thank you!
Joelostinlife
Joelostinlife
Guys are great for not opening up. I'm an expert at it! ha Still even married, it does not get better. You fight the downhill battle, you give up on others, Somewhere, sometimes you try to do something for yourself. Something to get you hope and reason to live, or lucky enough to maybe even love again. Time ages us and memories, Once memories are gone, I'm gone. Communicate all you can while you still can. Try to see if those reasons for love at one time are still valid for love again. As for me its not. I just trot thru it all. Going on single trip vacation soon, can't waitl
rmb
rmb
You are both at an age where you are growing and changing and so that can make people grow apart. It's no one's fault. It just happens.
Mills
Mills
It is harder when I don't have much experience relationship wise and with guys too, but also having your own problems and downfalls thrown in the mix to deal with doesn't help. I don't want to give up on him and as you said Joelostinlife communication is important and I'll try to make it better. If we do naturally change and go in different directions then I'll accept that but hopefully there is still a future for us together.
rmb
rmb
It's important to communicate for sure but it concerns me when you say you will try to make it better. This sounds like you are putting a burden on yourself to right the ship. You are 18 years old with so many experiences and all kinds of relationships in front of you. Just please don't find yourself trying to be the fixer if it's clear the relationship has run it's course. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I know it does. It is painful when a relationship ends, any relationship. Sometimes though we have to be the leader in a situation and let ourselves and our partner off the hook when it's clear it's not working for either of us.
Mills
Mills
I understand what you're saying but it isn't clear yet if the relationship has run its course. My boyfriend does give off mixed messages alot of the time. For instance when we do meet he'll smile and hug/kiss me and be happy to see me. When we're not together we rarely continuously text or have a conversation online. He's quite a distant person and so I'm not sure where I stand, if we should continue like this and I accept that he's distant because i love him. Even though he no longer seems willing to give up his extra time and be with me. People see having a relationship differently I guess and I don't ever want to seem needy or clingy to him.
rmb
rmb
No I get that. I was never one to feel I had to be in constant communication either. And I do think you need to be open and honest with him. The thing that strikes me is no mention of him making time for you, not all the time since he's busy but any real quality time where you feel close and connected to each other, like couples feel. That's all I'm saying. There is not being clingy or needy and then there is just being grateful for the crumbs. Take care to not slip into the latter.
Mills
Mills
Thank you for giving me your advice. It's made me look at it in a different perspective. Would you say that I shouldn't settle for just the crumbs or be thankful that it's something and not nothing at all? For now I'll just let it carry on as there's exams to focus on.
rmb
rmb
Me personally, I wouldn't settle for anyone's crumbs. I'd rather be alone than feel like I'm just sort of hanging on. But, it does depend on the relationship. I mean, if you both mutually agree that how the relationship is right now works for you both, and you're both happy and content, then it's all good. But if you feel like you're not connecting any longer and you think that there's something missing and that there's no real solid relationship there, that he's not really making any kind of effort, I think you have to talk to him about that to figure out if you're both into the relationship any longer. And if not, then what?

I think you sound completely reasonable, that you don't expect to be together all the time, that you're willing to give space and time. Just be sure you're not settling if what he does provide doesn't feel good to you, emotionally. And I think waiting until you're ready to really evaluate it and talk to him is a good idea. I think it's smart to take time to collect your thoughts and assess your feelings. Seriously, you sound like you're very together.
Mills
Mills
Thank you for saying that, I agree with what you're saying about not settling for anyone's crumbs, deciding if that connection is still there. When it's a better time and less stressful I'll sit down with him and have a good talk.
Thank you for all the advice you've given me!
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